HAS

HAS MY BOY! Ok I know, lame and gay, but it's very exciting for me. Although admittedly offputting that he's watching me type this. Which is funny because the other day I was thinking how great this very thing would BE clearly I am psychic. I know, no punctuation, no coherent thought and no real effort put into this one - tis the season. Happy Christmas all!

Also, we decorated the tree a couple of hours ago (how atrociously slack of us). It looks about as merry as a bunch of plastic covered in tinsel and lights can possibly look. Which is very.

EDIT: Hello, this is Anna's "boy". I have a name, and it is Gav. It's quite a nice name, certainly it is in the view of my parents, who gave it to me, but Anna thinks that "boy" suffices, despite my being several years her senior. I picked her up along with my Ferrari Testerossa and custom made golf clubs (NOTE: not true. Rumours of a mid life crisis are exaggerated).

Aaaanyway, here I sit in the house of her family. I got to meet two of her eighteen sisters and her brother, they're all apparently what Roast Beef would describe as "good people, pretty much". We did indeed decorate the tree, which I actually found rather touching.

I've behaved myself so far. I haven't done a sick on the floor!!!!!

Plans for Festivus

It's amazing how much I've missed in the short time I've been away. All the drama continued without me, only (according to my sources) worse because I wasn't there to calm everyone down! I completely believe it. But I say that without a trace of arrogance, because if I was really that great I'd have taught them to be sensible for themselves. Never mind, I'm sure they'll sort it out, and everyone will be talking to everyone else again in no time.

In case I don't have time to update the blog over the coming few days, this is the plan: my boy comes down to the Isle of Wight tomorrow afternoon, we will go for a meal with my friends from school on Saturday, we'll head up to his family on Sunday, spend Christmas there, go up to his friends for New Year's, then I'll come back here and then return to Plymouth. I'd much rather not go back to Plymouth.
Not because it sucks, just because I still don't belong there. Meh, never mind.

Still! Thank goodness I'm seeing my boy soon, been missing him like CRAZY. It has been... 2 1/2 weeks? My gosh. That's not really very long, although it certainly feels it. Long distance relationships are hard... it would only be worth it for him.

Interesting Thing Of The Day: The procrastination flowchart.

Thankful

In light of the extreme negativity of my last post, I thought I'd make a point of telling everyone what I'm grateful for.

My home



My friends


My family



How utterly gorgeous the world can be



Art and creativity!



My boy.

There are plenty of other things to be thankful for this Christmas, but these are a few of my favourites. They are precious and wonderful to me.

My room

My home has always been messy. Like, really, REALLY messy. And my room was no exception until I was meant to be revising for my A-levels. I had all that spare time and I didn't want to work, so I tidied my room. I made it beautiful, a haven from the chaos that is the world. I made it clean. The vacuum cleaner stayed in my room for months because I used it the most. I cleaned the window sill, the light switch, everything and I couldn't have been prouder of the result. My room's gorgeous; large, with a huge south-facing window. That was brilliant. My little brother and sister would hang out in my room, I'd have a beanbag and an inflatable chair out for them and some music playing.

Within the first four months of me temporarily living away from home, my parents decided to redecorate. Not as a nice surprise for me or anything, they were moving in. They pulled all my furniture into the middle of the room and pulled the wallpaper down. This was presumably stage one in some grand master plan that never happened.

So, I spent Christmas that year in the disaster area-slash-building site, unable to put my stuff away because everything was in the middle of the room.
Then I spent the summer holidays there.
Now this Christmas, nothing more has been done. And since nobody ever goes in there, it's dusty like you can't believe, so for the past few nights, instead of falling asleep peacefully, I've sneezed myself into a state of abject exhausted misery before finally getting some rest.

Sorry this has been such a whiny post. Yes, I do resent the fact that I don't have a sanctuary any more, but the truth is I had no right to expect my parents to keep it nice for me. As they keep reminding me, I can do what I want when I have my own home. Assuming that ever happens.

So, I'll just go and moan in the corner by myself, shall I? Splendid.

This is why nothing ever gets done.

Ahhhh. You know what, Baileys is probably the only thing that can replace a hug. It's as if it wraps my insides in its creamy arms and kisses me good night.

I started writing my essay! TRUE STORY! And the plan was really easy. Don't know if I'll be able to make 2000 words, but whatever... I'll do a good job. I'll just get back to work now.

As soon as I've filed my nails.

Beatboxer of the month

Because hobbies are like relationships - if your friend loves them, you gotta learn to live with them ;)



Ollie Trew aka Boris FX. Mad liprolls!

I should be working.

I have all the best intentions in the world to start any second now, I SWEAR, but sadly this has been the case for about a decade now.

I went to bed just after midnight last night, which for me is shockingly reasonable. I did lots of praying and tried to get an early night, but I kept being disturbed by rustling sounds in my room. It was a mouse; bigger than Jeffers and with darker fur. Thus commenced a mousehunt that would have been comedic if I wasn't so darn skilled. I ended up cornering him in my giant luggage bag , until he slipped out underneath my door. I couldn't find him after that; I suspect he went into Michelle's room - she's gone home for Christmas already.

but y'know, it was a lot cuter when it was just Jeffers - I'm considerably less keen on the concept of us having MICE.

I can't think of anything to write, which is tragic because I'm writing about having nothing to write in yet another transparent attempt to avoid work.

Oh well, tata all. Do stuff I wouldn't do and report back. x x

Bristol and such!

I was standing in Bristol in the pouring rain, in a circle of people I've met once or not at all (and one I know almost as well as myself), making odd noises with my mouth. And just as I started to get privately proud of my bass sounds (pretty deep for a lass, I think), I suddenly thought "I wonder what Nana would think of all this."
My mum's mother died years ago, when I was about eleven I think, and sometimes I regret that I never really knew her. Don't get me wrong, we weren't estranged; after my parents, she's probably the person my siblings and I spent most of our formative years with; but to be completely honest I didn't realise until I was about 12 that adults were more than just a complicated combination of times I got my way and times I didn't. As a result, my impression of her is one of a very genteel and caring woman whose house had Rules, and I haven't got the faintest idea what she would think of things.
I think she wouldn't approve that I keep dropping my T's. Even I don't approve of that.As for beatboxing, would she be completely baffled at what I saw in it, or would she want to know all about it? I wouldn't fancy trying to persuade her that it's ok to meet a group of strange men from the internet, but in this case (NOT in all cases, it is important to feel safe) I knew it was a good idea.I know she'd be thrilled about Gavin. she'd absolutely LOVE him, which is a wonderful thing to realise actually.
The beatboxing jam was amazing though, I'm so glad I went! I'd genuinely missed a few of those guys, and was very glad to meet the others, and i was NOT LAME and actually did some beatboxing (very quietly!) which is Most Pleasing and earned me a pack of peanut M&Ms that I shared. Bribery FTW.
The rest of the night consisted mainly of pubbing with the lads, cuddling my boy, hurting my poor little ankle, deciding going back to Plymouth would be ass, and going to Cardiff instead. So I actually came back on Sunday. Four hours of travel, two changes, over an hour on a packed bus, and then I had to walk back to the house on the aforementioned poor little ankle.
The best thing about this weekend is that no matter what happens from here, I have memories that I know are going to bring me a lot of joy and will stay with me forever.

Jeffers, my Boy, and Technical Difficulties

The sky broadband at our student house, unreliable at the best of times, finally broke completely last week. We're trying to get it sorted; unfortunately, this makes no difference to me since my laptop's finally given up for good. It's been hopelessly crash-tastic for a long time, and my techy did the decent thing and put it out of its misery. ;)

Thank God for university computers.

So it's been a wonderful few days! My boy came down for the weekend, we went to see Pendulum, we explored Plymouth looking for a cinema (trickier than you'd think when the maps don't have a You Are Here), watched TV with my housemates, made (burned) lasagne, ate jelly and ice cream (two colours of jelly, OGM!) and went to Mutley Baptist which earned a thumbs-up from Gavin.

I'll be seeing him again this weekend... my gosh, I'm terrified. It's a beatboxing jam in Bristol. WARGH. This is the first time I'll be meeting these guys in a situation where I might be reasonably expected to actually make some sounds with my actual mouth. :S STILL, what's the worst that could happen! ...

I evicted Jeffers on Friday. I didn't want to. Michelle came upstairs and said "ANNA I think Jeffers is in the recycling, I was wondering if you could..." So I obliged, went downstairs and moved cardboard boxes around until I found him tucked inside a Fab box (remember those? David's been buying loads of them lately). I then, VERY reluctantly, took the box outside, had one last look at his tiny whiskery adorableness, and sent him running off up the road.

Which I then proceeded to feel very very guilty about for two days, until Gav told me that he'd seen a mouse in the kitchen. I saw him yesterday too, Jeffers is officially still with us. (Ok, maybe it's another mouse, but this way I don't have to picture Jeffers dying of hypothermia in a coke can.)

Anyway! Hope everyone's ok, there should be more to come soon, although how soon I don't know. Don't suppose any of you have got a computer you don't need...?

2500 words

Doesn't sound like a lot, does it. But I'm sure you're all familiar with that soul-crushing sense of dismay you feel when you hit the word count button after entirely reworking and fleshing out your essay, only to find that it's gone up by a paltry 300 words. I know I am. And after that, I go over it again, desperately adding adjectives anywhere I can, changing "it's" to "it is", and other such desperate measures. Even in this blog post, I keep going back to add words every time I think of one.

I'll write a better post when I can. In the meantime, there's 760 words waiting for me that aren't going to write themselves.

Jeffers

I'm updating my blog for two reasons; firstly, it was requested; secondly, I was mere moments away from doing it anyway; and thirdly I have something vaguely interesting to write about. I know I said two, it doesn't matter, pay attention.

There is a mouse in our house. Somebody arbitrarily called him Geoffrey, but we all call him Jeffers now. He's been living here almost as long as we have, so it's got to the point where it would be awkward to ask him to move out, you know? He keeps himself to himself, is very rarely seen, mostly stays out of everyone's way; but occasionally someone will point excitedly towards the kitchen and leap out of their seat, attention suddenly diverted from Jeremy Kyle's pearls of wisdom, and say "I just saw Jeffers!"

I've only seen him once, a brief glimpse of his furry hindquarters disappearing behind the freezer.

He's truly a remarkable rodent. Lives on air, apparently, since there's absolutely no food kept at ground level and we're generally very tidy. (Unusual for a student house, but Ben is Very Neat, fortunately for us.)

The plan was originally to have him killed. Which is, of course, the rational thing to do with vermin. But this isn't vermin, it's Jeffers, and I readily confess that I'd quite like the little chap to stay around. Thankfully he went missing presumed dead for a few weeks after that idea was suggested. Oh yes; Jeffers is smart.
That's been downgraded to the idea of a humane trap now, which I'm much more keen on.

Tonight was the most he's ever been sighted; Michelle saw him vanish behind the fridge, and Ben and David were kind of gently poking things with spatulas to see if he was behind them. There was a rather fantastic moment when he showed himself and Ben yelped. I'm jealous, I want to meet him. I want to hold him the way I used to hold the voles and fieldmice and shrews we used to see back in the days of science camp (it wasn't as geeky as it sounds, mostly we lay around in hammocks or watching sunsets from the cliff-edge). Holding rodents is amazing because their little hearts beat so fast that they actually vibrate.

I don't know whether it's wise to tell my boy that we have a mouse this way. He's been round ours for the weekend before but I'd honestly forgotten about Jeffers, his appearances are that rare. But I took Dave texting me saying I should update my blog as a green light, so here it is. Honey, I'm really looking forward to seeing you this weekend, I hope you don't mind the mouse.

I'm not busy, but I should be

I was in Cardiff over the weekend, which I believe takes it to 29 days that we've spent together. <3 yay. Getting on with life, albeit with that strange nagging feeling that I should be doing something else, somewhere else. I have no idea what. Maybe it's homesickness. But in the meanwhile I'm ticking along quite nicely; eating unhealthily, not sleeping enough, or doing enough work, or praying enough or reading my Bible at all. So, yeah, I'm not miserable, but I could be doing a lot better at life in general. Series 3 of the Mighty Boosh starts tonight, woo! My laptop continues to infuriate me by blue-screening at random intervals, I fully intend to do something about it, after I've tidied my room and picked up those Pendulum tickets and bought a book with that book voucher and spent that HMV voucher and gone shopping and typed up my notes and read those course books and booked train tickets and updated the calendar... Amazing how full life can get when you're not good with time management. Oh crud, and it's Christmas soon, I have to buy presents and make cards and sort dates... Interesting thing of the day: this actually fooled me first time, I thought it was a joke. Optical illusions are neat.

Ending world hunger

... a word at a time! Guys, do this for me, it's fun-ducational ;) thanks to my boy for sending it (how well does he know me, hunh).

Found this draft saved on my profile!

From my very limited experience, I get the impression that the kind of person who is anarchistic enough to write on walls, doesn't like being watched while they do it.


They are the rebels, the people willing and able to speak out against this 'Big Brother is watching you' society. I think they have a point.

But every time I get a run-up at feeling revolutionary, someone steps in and gently reminds me to "give to Caesar what is Caesar's." I've clearly missed the point somewhere. Yes, I'm meant to be alive enough to kick against society. I should have the strength to use every last shred of liberty that I have. But at the same time... if someone forces me to walk with them for one mile, I should walk two.

I still can't entirely work it out, but the Bible's point of view seems to be that I should fight for the freedoms of others while being willing to surrender my own.

What makes you free?

If you were snatched up from wherever you are and dropped in an infinite featureless plain, would you technically be imprisoned?

Think about that for a second.

What if there was stuff on this plain, trees and such. Is it still a prison? If so, what makes it so?

Maybe it's prison when you can't get home... but then you can be imprisoned in your home. Maybe it's a prison when you can't get where you want to be. I'd feel trapped if I couldn't travel to my home or to Cardiff. Or to beatboxing events. You know what, the sooner my NUS student card comes through, the better - I'll get rail discounts, which apparently in my head equates to more freedom.

What makes you free? Would would count as a prison to you?

ITOTD: I could spend hours doing this.

All the small things

Walking home tonight, the sky was pale blue and covered in bright pink clouds. Now I was strictly anti-pink until quite recently, but I've now conceded that it has it's place, especially my hair and the sky.

It was breathtakingly beautiful, and I'm very sorry I didn't have my camera with me to show you guys, but what surprised me most was the fact that nobody else was looking. It was fairly easy to tell because it could only be seen when you cross the road, otherwise the view to the east was blocked, and absolutely nobody I passed so much as looked above eye-level.

This is something that used to amaze me when I sat on the kitchen roof back home. My bedroom had a huge window that led out onto it, so I'd go and sit there when I needed some alone time, and I knew I'd pass completely unseen as not a soul would think to look up, however many hours I stayed there.

I'm sure it happens to all of you too. Sometimes there are days when you seem to see things so much clearer than anybody else, but the next day you become one of the myopic masses again.

Still, it's put me in a fabulous mood, so I thought I'd share it with you lucky souls!

Johnny the rugby-tackling alzheimer's patient

Right, I've decided to be a bit more frequent with my blog updates. I don't feel that I've got that much to say, but as we all know it's the quantity and not the quality that counts.

I have spent most of my life with tragically low self-esteem. I was, socially, a wasteland throughout my childhood - hopeless with other kids, introverted, intelligent, and convinced that I was ugly. I am by no means unique in this respect. A lot of people start out that way.

The past few years have consisted of me discovering that I'm more than that. I learned how to win people over with the bare minimum of effort (hint: be interested in them!), I put the books down and started talking to people, and I found out that I'm not Quasimodo's ugly step-sister.

I'm missing my gap year like crazy. The combination of responsibility and freedom was perfect for me; the feeling of doing something practically to help, talking to people about their problems, leading discussion groups, it was just right to push me to the next stage. I grew in confidence over that year, no doubt about it.

And now, to cap it all off, I'm loved in a way I never expected and sure as hell never deserved.

I am having quite a wobbly start at university. I'm being shy and introverted, and because of the nature of my course I'm doing a lot of reading, and I'm scared to get into the church side of things and not really sure how to go about it. But I'm not going to lose sight of who I am now; change in character is a one-way process from my experience and I'm glad of that because I really, genuinely liked who I was in my gap year. I hope and pray to have the guts to be that person here in Plymouth.

Interesting thing of the day: Plug your webcam in!

Greek mythology and bicycle sex

This uni work is making me feel a lot like Sisyphus. Every time I feel like I'm getting somewhere, that rock just rolls right the way back down again... blargh.

Interesting thing of the day: bicycle sex is against the law, apparently. Strange world we live in.

My laptop makes me so angry >:[

*** Hardware Malfunction
Call your hardware vendor for support
NMI: Parity Check / Memory Parity error
*** the system has halted ***

Can anyone tell me
a) what this means
b) what can be done about it
and c) how to relax when it happens so that I don't kick it's bluescreening ass out onto the streets.

It's been doing this for a long time, the laptop's a couple of years old, and it's driving me mental. Blah.

Blaaaaaaaaargh.

I don't really know what to write. I haven't written any decent poems lately for the same reason; it seems that there's too much going on in my mind and I'm a bit scared to get it all down on paper. Or on a screen.

I haven't been well lately. I'm feeling absolutely fine, but my body's been freaking out. Various people have said that it's probably stress-induced from moving to university and I think they're right - but I seem to be ok again now. Here's hoping, anyway. My family, God bless them, sent me a little box of chocolates as a feel-better-soon present.

I spent a good few hours today feeling like the world's most useless Christian because of a comment someone had made... it really hurt, really made me feel like crap. I know for a fact it wasn't intended because the person who said it is an absolute star; he called me up to talk today and had me laughing by the end of the conversation. My gosh. I really am an emotional wreck when things aren't going well with God.

I'm really looking forward to this Friday - I'm heading up to Cardiff for the weekend to see my boy. At LAST. It's been WEEKS, I've missed him so much!

Interesting thing of the day: If you've never seen this, SHAME ON YOU.
(By the way, I link to youtube videos instead of embedding them in my blog because I prefer it. Opinions? Preferences?)

I remember now!

Ohhh yeah! I'm Anna! Born and raised on the Isle of Wight, good with people, slightly naive, idealistic. Child of God (so if you mess with me... ;) ). Very empathic, well-meaning but lazy, I love sunshine and my boys. I like words. I'm good with words.

If I'm in Plymouth, I have a reason to be here and a right to be here. These are the things I realised on the way home today. That's why I have once again started walking around like I own these streets.

They say university is about finding your identity, working out who you are. It seems a bit of a shame to get it over with in the first two months, so I'm sure I'll forget and remember who I am a fair few times before I'm done. Such is life. But I am SO GLAD to be more sure of myself. I swear, the second it clicked, I started walking differently. I walked like I owned the place on the Isle of Wight, but why should here be any different?

In the words of Churchill.... OhhhhYES.

I wouldn't change a single thing

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years
For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

- Kingdom Come, Coldplay.

This song is completely beautiful. I'd forgotten how much it touches me, I listened to it today nearly ten times in a row, singing along and meaning every single word with tears streaming down my face; because a) I'm a wuss, and b) that's often what happens when I make contact with God again after a drought.

This is very, very good news. I'm excited about what happens next. God bless guys.

Cheese-eating surrender monkeys

Well, you've got to really, haven't you.

Yes, I watched the rugby last night - England vs. the French. I was in the pub with my housemates absolutely loving it!

I'm still very much a beginner when it comes to watching rugby, I'm still learning what everything means and why the ref does what he does (although even the seasoned fans couldn't work him out last night!) and I'm really, really enjoying it!

Although it did leave me with the uncomfortable feeling that I now know what it looks like for a group of men to collectively lay an egg.

For those who don't know, we won, but it was a close-run thing. Between that and the 3-0 victory at the football, I'm starting to feel a warm and tingly sensation that I understand is called "national pride". Or maybe even patriotism. Gosh.

A public prayer.

God, I need your help. I need to make sense of this world. I need to know what the truth is, and most of all, I need you. It's not just for my benefit any more, it's for the people around me - I'm meant to be a shining light for you, and lately I haven't really been doing that. I don't feel guilty about it, I know guilt isn't a sensible response in a saved person, but I feel like I could be doing so much more.

I remember being so fired up with passion for You. Living for You was all that I wanted; it fulfilled me, gave me a purpose. Please just remind me what that means. Help me look in the right places, Lord, because I know I need You.

Like I say, it isn't just me any more. Thank you that I'm not alone in this; thank you for those who are a support to me, and I pray that you give me the strength and wisdom to be the same for them. Because I'm fully aware that being 'a basically nice person' isn't nearly enough.

Thank you for everything I've been through, good and bad, and I pray that I'm able to use it to help someone.

Love, your child, friend, and servant,
Anna.

Plymouth and Exeter with my boy

WOOHOO! What a fantastic weekend. I've missed my boy SO much, it was wonderful to see him again. Right from when I got hold of him at the station and we just stood there for a good few minutes just being so glad to be together again.

I made a complete hash of cooking on Friday night, fortunately my boy stepped in and saved me from myself. I almost violated rule 1!* Then we went out for drinks to a lovely little pub that I'm quite fond of, it's a proper one with lots of green and red and wood and things stuck on the walls. There was a band playing and I was extremely happy.

Saturday was totally fantastic, we took the train to Exeter to meet Tyte. (If you don't know who he is by now, please pay attention!) We were wandering around Exeter cathedral for a few minutes, marvelling at the masonry and stained glass windows and such (I don't marvel often, but it was totally marvelworthy). We had just gone outside again, and Gav was saying that we'd find him soon, and just as we kissed we hard someone yelling "OI! Stop that you two!"

We went to a brilliant little Italian restaurant, where I did my usual thing of not finishing my meal and feeling hideously guilty and annoyed because it was actually really nice. And it was so, so lovely to see him again, and to chat to him about everything. He had a wonderful weekend, bless him, which I was very glad to hear. Then we wandered around for a while in a desperate search for a pub that might conceivably be showing the rugby! (Oh yeah, I'm into the rugby now. So much more fun to watch than football.) We had obviously stumbled into a fairly upmarket area of Exeter because it was all coffee bars and such, but we eventually found a great pub to watch the game in. We beat Australia, this is because we are AWESOME.

On the way back, my boy taught me some beatboxing - because as involved as I am in the community, and as much as I love it, I'm still utterly rubbish and REALLY need to practise. It's astonishing how shy I was about beatboxing in front of Gav.

Then we took the train back to Plymouth (I left my Bees hat on the train, wahh). We then... did nothing... then on Sunday... we did some more nothing. Oh but there was cooking. Although Gav relegated me to washing up at one point because the kitchen was too small for two cooks... ;) that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

I was gutted to have to say goodbye, of course, but I'm feeling a lot better than I was this time two weeks ago. Having satisfied my cravings, I'm working out when I can next go up to Cardiff.

I went to the church that I was invited to on Sunday night, which was lovely and very very much needed. Today has been good, I've been wandering around beatboxing atrociously and enjoying it a lot.

*Gav made some rules for the Anners. Rule 1 is: no going on fire. Rule 2 is: Anners may has hugs. Rule 3: Gavs may also has hugs.

The big two - oh

Today is my birthday. I am 20, and no longer a teenager.

However, I still know nothing about mortgages, and I intentionally started this post with a false sense of significance just to worry you. It's ok! I'm still me and still relatively clueless.

Being newly away from home meant that things were a bit quiet, as I'd expected, so I went into today thinking things would be normal. Which they kind of weren't. Within minutes of waking up, I'd received an utterly amazing gift from my boy that I'm still finding my way around, had a thread started about me on humanbeatbox.com, and had received two birthday cards (one from my grandparents and one from my boy's parents - not one from mine though! ;) ). Granted, nobody really knows me yet, but everyone smiles and wishes you the best when it 'comes up in conversation' that it's your birthday.

My housemates have bought me a cake which we'll share as soon as everyone's in at the same time (est. February), which is SO lovely and unexpected! And Lanky Dave (I live with two Daves, a Ben, and Michelle) said he might buy me some Baileys - which, as some of you might know, is the only alcoholic drink that makes me smile on contact.

I had a lecture that was absolutely rubbish and ended half an hour early - she was supposed to be teaching us how to use a website that a) wasn't working and b) she didn't understand. So THAT was fun.

My seminar was pretty darn good! I contributed! Maybe a little too much, which isn't a good indicator really since I haven't read the whole of the Odyssey yet. When I have I'll probably be insufferable.

And in the evening I went to my Christian Union for the first time, which was very cool! It felt like such a relief to be back among Christians, which is a dangerous and damaging thing to feel and I expect you guys to make sure I don't isolate myself away from the real world. That said, it's amazingly encouraging to have a few names under my belt at the CU already, and someone has invited me to their church. Fab!

Then I came home and talked to my boy, which (as always) made me exceedingly happy. He's coming down in three days!! I miss him a lot less than I did this time last week. I was very emo about it all, but I appear to have survived the two-week mark intact. Thank God it's not much longer, I'll say that.

Interesting thing of the day: The Man Code.

An object lesson

God occasionally teaches me things through object lessons; metaphors with something that I can see, hear, or feel.

Once a few years ago, I had a truly terrible day and I was in the foulest mood ever. I was too thoroughly miserable to go home, so instead, I went to the park and sat down in the middle of a rarely-used football field and refused to leave until God spoke to me somehow.
After about an hour, I was getting tetchy. I'd been staring at everyone to cross that field, just waiting for an epiphany to strike, but none had. Finally, sat there on the grass, I noticed a man walking his dog. I watched for a while as the little dog followed her master closely, occasionally running off to explore but never going too far. It wasn't until they got closer that I noticed that the man kept talking to the dog, calling her. I went and sat on a bench at the edge of the park and waited for them to pass me. As they did, the man said to me, "I have to keep calling her, she's completely blind!"

I was really struck by that. I had been stressing so much over my future, worrying about the fact that I couldn't see what was coming in my life, and here was a real-life parable that seemed so clear to me. I felt that God was telling me not to worry that I couldn't see ahead, and that if I just follow His voice I'll be ok. I needed to hear that.

So today, a similar thing happened. You might know that I've been struggling lately. Well earlier, I was sat in the student union bar looking at the ceiling at a light, and the light was very slowly changing colour.
I read in Velvet Elvis the other day (a great book by Rob Bell) that colours fade in the memory. They tested it, and people always made colours brighter, more vivid, to try to match the hue that they'd seen only moments before. So when you stare at a fixed colour, it becomes less impressive.
That wasn't happening here; the constant colour changes - blue, aqua, green, yellow, red, purple, blue - kept every colour fresh and bright and new. And once again, my object lesson instincts kicked in. And I realised that my relationship with God is going to keep changing because it's alive. It's an active, dynamic thing. A relationship is never something you just Have, like an ornament in a glass case; and in God's case maybe the intention is to keep me engaging with Him rather than being passive. So maybe I should stop thinking of my spiritual life in terms of 'highs and lows', but instead be thankful for the beautiful, strobing, ever-new nature of what God is to me.

Interesting thing of the day: The moon landings were Faked! No, really!! I mean it!!!1one

A stranger in a strange land

I had one seminar on my timetable for today, and it turns out that was a mistake. So instead of going home and moping, I thought I'd go exploring. I did the same after my lecture yesterday, I found the train station so that I could get my boy next week without getting lost. Today I found the shops! Oh my gosh! I don't really like shopping, but after living in a student ghetto for a fortnight it was such a relief to be back in the real world.

I wandered around happily knowing that I could be myself, that I could talk to people without being nervous. That's who I really am. I'm a vaguely confident, happy person - but for some reason I can't be that at university. YET. I can't wait to start being myself again, it'll be such a relief!

It's been strange, actually worrying about what people think of me. It's affected everything I do, say, and even wear! That's not like me at all! Back home I wear what I damn well like because I know that I know what I'm doing. I know people and they know me. That's a very enviable position to be in, and I never realised that until now, when I'm completely anonymous and there's nobody I know. Fingers crossed that'll change soon.

Things have been a bit rocky with God lately, so any prayers would be so much appreciated. Life in general is a bit odd right now, just because there's so much that's new. But I'm hopeful, and positive, and I swear it's not just the fairtrade chocolate talking. Mmmm. Fairtrade chocolate makes you thinner! And boosts you IQ! And other such self-delusive lies.

(Is 'delusive' right? It should be.)

I want to thank you guys who read / comment here, you're all so incredibly supportive... it's wonderful to know that there are people who care. God bless you.

"I'm so useless", a rant.

I don't try things properly because I'm scared of failing. I've tried to learn so many instruments over the years, but I give up before I can have the chance to fail or succeed. I've never really worked hard to become good at anything.

Hmm, let's see. Over the years, I've tried to learn:
Guitar
Glockenspiel
Ocarina
Harmonica
Penny whistle
Magic tricks
Juggling
Poi
Piano
Fire staff
Painting
Drawing
Writing
Beatboxing

And the only ones I've achieved anything vaguely resembling success in are drawing and writing.

I'm basically not willing to put in the practise. I'm put to shame by the people who've got years of experience with their instrument, people who've got a real passion and commitment to something.

I'm not feeling very passionate and committed to much at the moment. Blargh. You caught me mid emo-moment, I do apologise.

Revolutionary musings

I promise, this is going to be my last health-related post for a little while.

I've been to the doc's and apparently it was just a simple infection, or tonsillitis, or the 'kissing disease' or something. But basically I survived, and unless it keeps happening there's nothing to worry about! Lovely.

In addition to which, I'm the right weight for my height, my blood pressure's fine, and I don't have diabetes. Good for me! (Although perhaps I shouldn't be pigging out on peanut m&m's in celebration? Never mind.)

I've been talking to a friend about politics, and changing the world, and homelessness and everything. I want to change the world. I believe it can be done. Furthermore, I believe it SHOULD be done, since I'm one of the few with the power and the inclination to kick up a fuss. But where do I start? Do I just donate £2 a month to the good cause of my choice? Do I turn up at marches and protest everything going?

I'm still finding my way, but don't let me use that as an excuse. I should be starting NOW.

University and the like

I feel better! And my laptop is working! And university seems ok! And the library here has half a million books which is enough to form L-space! And I'm listening to a track called Sweet Charity by Mr Bungle and generally feeling rather awesome.

Did you know, if you hardly eat for almost a week, it really wrecks up your body? Over the past few days, in addition to a painful throat, I've had the muscles in my legs burning with lactic acid, and my tongue actually turned black after a glass of red wine (I kid you not, that is NOT ok with me)! Still, I appear to be 100% better now, thank God. Sorry to bore you all with my health, I realise it loses some of the fascination when you're not undergoing it personally!

I went to a poetry reading the other day, it was very enjoyable. I love poetry, and poetry readings are pseudo-intellectual enough to flatter me into feeling cultured. So that was nice. I came out of it feeling very fired up about how much I'm going to improve throughout university, and thinking "I could so do that!"

Now I'm listening to a song about a cartoon stuffed otter called Philippe. And that is one reason why my boy rocks. Another is that I just spent almost an hour with him on the phone. Hooray!

Love to you all :) x x

The Pain, the Pain...

So basically, my throat is swollen or something, and it's very painful indeed to swallow. So I'm not eating or drinking properly. This has been the case for about 5 days now. My leg muscles are cramping, I think that's because of the whole not eating thing... it's not good, really. I'm going to be meeting everyone on my course at uni today, and I can barely talk.

I realise this has been a very whingey post, but... feel sorry for me!

I've got a doctor's appointment for Friday, luckily, so I've just got to sit it out.

Pathetic Excuses

I'M HERE I'M HERE!! Sorry sorry sorry! But I was in Cardiff! Then packing for university! Now I'm at university! And ill and miserable and terrified and starting tomorrow! And I got abducted by aliens and had to save the world as we know it from...

Orrrr maybe I'm making some of that up.

But yes, Cardiff! have to tell you, never in my life have I had a moment so entirely special as being blind-fed a surprise breakfast in bed of... Ben and Jerry's. Drool. Does my boy know me or what! But it's okay because we were super-healthy for the whole rest of the 5 days I was there. But yes, Ben and Jerry's, watching South Park, and other such awesome things... quite possibly the most wonderful morning I've had, ever, EVER. I love you honey.

I met more people up there, which was wonderful, and we had a proper grown-up style dinner party on the last evening! Iiiiii know! And I almost, almost beat him at a combat game. Went right down to the decider. I was kicking ASS to start with, but the element of surprise can't last forever!

So, despite the fury and panic of starting university, and despite the sheer UNFAIRNESS of getting ill JUST BEFORE freshers' fortnight (I'm in constant pain, it's not ideal), I'm making it through by remembering happier times.

Well, wish me luck for tomorrow, and please pray that I get better. Pain makes me very grouchy which is A Bad Thing for first impressions.

I shall try to be less almost weekly, FBL my dear! Apologies!

52

I've been agonising over finding accommodation for university for a while, so it was blissfully relieving to find the right place first try. I have a place to live! Brilliant! I am (I know) a very, very lucky girl.

I'm not superstitious about the number 52, my subconscious just always seems to pick it out of a lineup. I'm always noticing it on license plates, house numbers and so forth. On the train up to Cardiff, I sat in a random seat and later noticed it was number 52. My brain really needs to stop doing that!

It would be silly to claim that my life is ruled by coincidence. But it is interesting that, on my first day in Cardiff, I bumped into Dave. A few of you will know Dave; he's doing a gap year in Wales and just happened to be passing through the park while I was out with my boy. So that was nice, and I had hugs!

So, life continues strange but wonderful, long may the slightly baffling magic continue! More detail to come no doubt.

Starving myself

It's autumn, can you believe it... autumn already... on the plus side, the weather today was gorgeous so I'm harbouring hopeful delusions that summer was just delayed.

That's the sort of thing you can see happening though, isn't it? "An administrative problem has led to the Summer of 2007 being delayed by 3 months. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause." Fingers crossed.

Been a funny couple of days... I'm officially blonde now, not to mention the proud (and shocked) owner of a miniskirt, so there's some quite radical self-image-adjustment happening in this little mind of mine.

My little sister is having her first day at High School tomorrow... she's really nervous about it so I'm walking her in. My brother had his first day at college today, and I'm going to university soon... it's all change!

Oh man... I'm not very happy. I haven't prayed or read my bible in I don't know how long, and it's really affecting me. I spend about 50% of my life in this state, not doing nearly enough to keep myself spiritually healthy. Jesus said "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God"; and that's more than just a passing thought, it's an important truth. I've been starving myself, evidently. (So that's what the sensationalist post title was about, sorry!)

And on top of starving myself spiritually, I've been living off junk food because that's all that's in the house, so I'm generally feeling rather low.

Interesting thing of the day (and heaven knows you need one after reading my miserable moanings): A rad and random game!

Romance and mystery

I have a red rose and chocolates. If that's not stereotypical material love I don't know what is! I was incapable of sustaining conversation for ten minutes, and of finishing a sentence for five. It's perfect, absolutely beautiful, and easily the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me. <3

Some of you may remember that in the summer of '06 I became absolutely obsessed with an Alternate Reality Game known as the Lost Experience. Like, full-on obsessed. Even just now when my mum asked me what happened to Rachel Blake, I launched a full-on rant about how nobody knows, and Hanso is everywhere, and so forth. It blurred the lines between fiction and reality which was BRILLIANT. I was properly distraught when I found out there would be no sequel, it was completely inconclusive.

BUT.

All is not lost, if you'll pardon the pun; J. J. Abrams has a new project in the works, but nobody knows what... I've diving down the rabbit hole as we speak. If I don't make it back, just know that... I love you...

iBalls

Following the success of the iPhone and iPod, and on hearing that there may be an iCar in the works, I thought I'd brainstorm a few ideas for Apple's next project. You can thank me later, Steve.

The iBall - an eye transplant that can display your email on your eye - blink activated. Comes with thermal imaging display option. Plays music.

iKnow - brain implant with access to Google, Wikipedia, and a live news feed. Guaranteed pub quiz winner. Plays music.

iDo - a stylish white wedding ring with a small "diamond" display screen. Can be used to store important events in the calender, such as making dinner, ironing shirts, putting up shelves etc. Also available in pink and blue. Plays music.

And finally, the new iWant. Not sure what it does, but it's gonna be the next big thing and number one on every Christmas wishlist. Has lots of buttons. Plays music.

Oh, and Interesting Thing of the Day: Make your own superhero!

Evil Genius

I have had a revelation. Evil Geniuses, your generic bad-guy-bosses, are being paid by the hour. That's why they seem so colossally stupid! That's why:
They take so long to capture the hero, and once they do
They like to explain their plan first
They put them in a prolonged and easily-escapable situation
They mess around with exposition.

Can you imagine what would happen if they were paid for results? They'd shoot the hero straight away. Films would never make it past ten minutes long, and the entire movie culture would die. This is why I have decided that they're being paid by none other than Hollywood studio executives.

Suddenly it all falls into place...

Interesting thing of the day: A set-up worthy of the Evillest of Geniuses.

Meet the parents

It's an uncanny truth that whenever I meet up with my boy, we have at least one day of brilliant sunshine (which is no small thing, in a summer this relentlessly dismal.) Granted, we met in summer which doubtless carries an advantage, but it's nevertheless gratifying to remember all the moments we've spent together on warm days under blue skies. I'm pretty sure I photosynthesise too, so it feels very Right.

Every time I stand at a train station looking out for him, I get hideously nervous for a few seconds. When I spot him I tend to be glad to see him, terrified, and thoroughly knackered and bored of travelling - and this manifests itself in me walking hesitantly towards him with an awkward smile on my face. Every time. And every time, it's not until the mercifully immediate First Hug that the tension dissipates; then I'm just there, in his arms, almost oblivious to the busy surroundings.

Yes, it's going to be a soppy post. I'm in love, deal with it.

(At this point the author pauses, fingers motionless over the keyboard, as she tries to deal with the significance of what she just wrote. It's all too much for her poor little mind, so she thinks about ponies until it goes away.)

I went on Friday and met his parents, who are thoroughly lovely, and watched the Blues Brothers on the sofa with him. Never seen it before, it was good!

Best quote:
ELWOOD - It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
JAKE - Hit it!

On Saturday we went to Hull to attend his friend's album launch, which was obviously very important since Girlfriend Approval Papers were required, but I passed apparently so that's alright. ;) They had kitties! Who were all fluffy! It was a bit of a trek away but we managed alright, despite train delays and cock-ups. (I'm thinking of making a little wax train that I can stick needles in whenever there's a problem, but I know it would only take three trips before the thing would be so full of holes you could use it as a Matrix sequel.) But we made it back to Birmingham in the end for a proper family meal, which was properly fun. Always good to see your Significant Other with his family, isn't it. This time it was anyway.

After that, we went to the pub to see some of his boys! I got talking to one of them about God, who may have forgotten most of it. Luckily. I mean it's not really pub talk is it. Still, it was great getting to know the lads a bit, I did pretty well at being friendly but totally failed at the knowing stuff. They were talking about music and techie stuff, so I just stood there smiling vacantly and trying not to feel like a bimbo! (See? I would NEVER have used that word about myself before my hair turned blonde. It's affecting my self-image.)

Monday I came home, travelling went very well despite another train delay at the start.

The entire weekend was suffused with general huglyness and cuddletivity, and I can honestly say that I have never been so completely comfortable with someone as I am with him.

It's all looking good, guys! And although I did get a bit mournful in the car on the way to the station, I'm not feeling too lonely. It won't be long before I talk to him again. So... yay, and stuff.

This has been the smuggest post in history, hasn't it... I am sorry, people. But those of you who know me well know that this doesn't happen often (i.e. EVER) to me, and is thus a deal of the big kind.

Ok, ok, blatant gloating time is over. Love to y'all. x

Overthinking

So much paperwork, so little motivation. I'm just waiting for one thing, then I can get it all done. Hopefully.

Interesting thing of the day: spoof signs. Made me chuckle :)

Sometimes I say to people that if I were anyone else, I'd be jealous of me. I have a pretty awesome life. And occasionally I think about whether I might in fact be a bitter mid-40s businesswoman in the future who just paid people to invent the technology to write herself this childhood. And I'm just living that. And other times I wonder if maybe I think too much, and should just get on with it and stop being so introspective... meh. Such is life!

How are you, my beloved readership?

Reverse graffiti

What a day. Started out very well, with me actually managing to cheer someone up (gold star!), and swiftly degenerated into Issues in the afternoon. An old friend of mine got married this morning and very few people had any clue it was happening. Anyway!

Today's interesting thing: Reverse graffiti! Like writing 'clean me' on a dirty window, dust tagging is an awesome way of sending a message without a spray can. Here are some examples: car art and advertising. Yes it's graffiti, but is it vandalism? And how the heck do you prosecute someone for cleaning stuff?

My favourite reverse-graffiti story (nabbed from here):
"Brazilian Alexandre Orion turned one of Sao Paolo’s transport tunnels into a stunning mural last summer....

The authorities were certainly miffed but could find nothing to charge him with. They had no other recourse but to clean the tunnel — but only the parts Alexandre had already cleaned. The artist merely continued his campaign on the other side of traffic. The utterly flummoxed city officials then decided to take drastic action. Not only did they clean the entire tunnel but also every other tunnel in Sao Paulo."

Nice one X)

Good intentions

I'm not entirely sure why, but as I write this I'm half-watching one of those dire programmes where they put a group of gorgeous 20-somethings on an island to form couples and learn basic social skills.

Television really doesn't engage me any more. If I want to watch something, guaranteed you can find it online... semi-legally... so the only reason I actually turned it on was so that if there was a global disaster I wouldn't be the last to know. Seriously, it was just in case somewhere got bombed. Is that paranoia or a perfectly reasonable possibility?

Oh my GOSH I know what I should do, I should watch the Matrix! We've bought the 3rd one, Revolution, which I never did make sense of at the cinema. On the other hand if I want to work it out that's like 6 hours of it. Hahaha.

It's been one of those days so far, I'm so full of good intentions and so unable to do anything. I've got paperwork to do and phone calls to make but none of it's working enough for me to get something DONE. How annoying.

Never mind! Grin and bear it, at least I've got this weekend to look forward to...

Weeks

The problem with doing lots and wanting to write about it all is that I will never, NEVER write about it all. So instead here's a brief summary.

Three weeks ago: I spent the weekend with Gav in Cardiff. It was AMAZING. See my Flickr page if you want to see photos, there's a link on the left somewhere. Had a truly wonderful time. YAY.

Two weeks ago: Had a family reunion thing, we do that every year, it was great to see everyone again. Was especially nice to talk to Sarah, who's officially starting her own salon now which is awesome, and Ran whose sense of humour is exactly like Eddie Izzard (which is a Good Thing in my book).

Last week: Soul Survivor, it was good.

This week: PAPERWORK, forms forms forms X( I HATE it...

So, I've got the updates out of the way, now with any luck I can get on with blogging slightly more frequently!

The end of something...

So the gap year is over. To recap for anyone new, I've been doing a year of youth work for a Christian charity on the Isle of Wight... and that's over now.

Now technically it's not entirely the end, there's still Soul Survivor to go yet (and to be honest I'm pretty sure they'll rope me into stuff whenever I'm around!), but officially, this is it. So I'm moving out of my host family's home. I'm all packed and ready to go tomorrow... basically, this is me:


I know. Whimper.

Luckily though, my impeccable sense of timing has kicked in again. I remember when I left school, some people weren't ready to leave and some had reached their limit months ago... I was just getting fed up of school when it ended. And again, I'm just starting to feel that it's time to move on, and it is! How convenient.

So I'm sat on my bed listening to REM and trying not to be too emo about it all, because as much as I'm going to miss everyone and everything from this year (and I really, really am!), it is time to move on. I know. How wisdomous am I.

If anyone who's known me at all during the past year finds their way to this post, I want to thank you so much for making this experience so incredible. I honestly feel very blessed by the people I've been surrounded with and supported by. So thanks.

The Solace Tent

The Solace Tent has become a bit of a legend amongst festival-goers on my beloved island. There's two major festivals every year; the Isle of Wight Festival and the Bestival; and for these events and many others, a bunch of well-meaning do-gooders buy tickets specifically to sit in a tent feeding and talking to anyone who wanders in through the doors.

I have sadly not been lucky enough to help out at a festival, but the past weekend has been an event called Park Life, and I was in the Solace Tent doing free henna tattoos while others painted nails and braided hair. But the things that caught my attention most, strangely enough, were the graffiti tables. They're new in 2007, I believe, and these are some of the things written on them so far:

Remember to look B4 U leap; but still leap or you'll miss life!

You've been tango'd

:( another year 2 wait!

ITS ALL ABOUT THE NUMBER 8 (THINK ABOUT IT)

I smell the smelly smell of something that smells smelly!! -> festival goers!

:) smiles are free :)

Woohoo! I'm missing the rolling stones!

May this song be the soundtrack to all the times that you're uninspired, take heed & begin to realise, maybe someday you'll inspire others
ellie

BADGERS EVERYWHERE

You know it could be

I fell asleep in solace! and missed muse!

Love someone and never let them know

I found it pretty fascinating. This was just one table out of at least three, I was too busy trying to draw flowers and dragons and and hearts on various forearms to inspect the others. I think there's definitely a place for graffiti. It doesn't even have to be art. It doesn't even have to be important. Just something, from someone, sent into the world.

For more information about the Solace Tent, such as why they do what they do, check out their MySpace page :)

Quick update

Ok! Well, I've just had the most amazing weekend. I didn't go camping in the end, the weather was too bad, but for all that everything was utterly amazing. The beatboxing workshop went very well! Everybody had a great time. And Catalyst on Saturday was quality too.

For some reason, Sunday was as sunny and hot as you could hope for, which was a welcome relief from all the grey and rain we've been having. Seriously, what happened to summer?! Hahah anyway, so I am currently in a very good mood indeed. I'll post more when my brain can say more than "uhgahbuh".

Ignite

So, today started out with me being slightly irritated and concerned that I hadn't heard from Gav. I got fed up waiting around online when the weather was so beautiful, so I went outside with the intention of buying lunch and eating it in the park, reading the book he'd lent me.

Things didn't quite go to plan; I was only halfway into town when God suddenly reminded me of something I'd heard the day before about not letting the fire die. It hit home. You know, that way things sometimes do, when a little thing takes on such significance that you can't believe you missed it.

I have a vivid imagination, and it's been the case for a couple of years that I think of God's Spirit in me as a flame, flickering and wavering but always there. I started crying, right there, in the beautiful sunshine, on the way into town. I was overjoyed that God hadn't forgotten me, that I still had fire (however fragile) burning in me. That's when God started grabbing the reins of my day. He convinced me to go into the Christian bookshop, to buy a book I was recommended yesterday (something I very rarely do), and to go to a different part of the park than usual to eat.

I sat down on the grass, thoroughly happy with how everything was going, and started to read an inspirational poem in that book known as The Vision - while an orchestra that had set up opposite me played "I will follow him". I must have been reading and giggling at the sheer brilliance of it all for about half an hour. It was so perfect!

If there's one message I want you guys to take from this, it's that you must NEVER EVER let your fire fade. Be you, as beautifully and brilliantly as you can, because nobody else will ever do it as well. Live passionately, as if everything you do matters - because it really does. Love extravagantly and wholeheartedly. Whatever you do, commit everything in you to it. And I pray that I learn to do the same.

Brighton and drama

Hello! And welcome to IssueFest 2007, we'd thank you to leave your common sense at the door. Please take a seat, sit back, and enjoy the trauma...

The thing about keeping a blog is that there's two very conflicting motivations. On the one hand, I want to record everything for posterity and be completely honest with my audience. On the other, discretion is very much an issue.

Some people will tell you everything, will even conduct their lives via their blog. Others won't tell you where they work, or even their name, remaining completely anonymous. I tend to be fairly open as far as that stuff goes, and I only stop short of telling secrets that aren't mine.

Discretion and honesty is a difficult balance to keep in every walk of life. It seems that lately I've strayed too far towards keeping my mouth shut when perhaps I should be more up-front, and I may have hurt someone badly through that.

So I apologise for not being more detailed in my summary of where I've been, but the following I can tell you: the Brighton Battlejam was amazing, life's ups and downs continue like a boat on rough waters, and I remain (as ever) cautiously optimistic.

Just to clarify:

My beliefs are my own, I know my own mind, and you were NOT exactly the same as me when you were my age. RAAAARGH.

It is SO frustrating when you say the word 'Christian' and people instantly think they know better than you and know everything about you.

I put up with half an hour of being told that I was stupid, that my faith is all bullshit, and that I am brainwashed.

To reiterate: RAAAARGH.

In other news, would an "I will not sleep with you" t-shirt look arrogant? I think it probably would...

(By the way, it was open mic night, Chris sang Brown Eyed Girl again, wargh. Issues aplenty.)

Three times is a charm

When God tells you something three times in one day, you should listen.

As some of you know, I've been working this weekend with a group of Christians from Maidstone. We wrapped things up tonight with a worship session, and (just like at Catalyst on Friday) I began to cry. I just felt crap about myself. I know God treasures me and everything, and I know some would tell me different, but somewhere inside me there's still a twelve-year-old girl who's convinced she's ugly and worthless.

One of the visiting girls came to pray for me. She pulled out her bible and read Romans 8:15, which says

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

After that, she began to tell me how important it was to know what it means to be a daughter of God. Just then, another girl came over and said God had just shown her a picture of a little girl looking up at her daddy with an expression of trust and love on her face. She said how important it is that I trust God as my father, and that all I have to do is take His hand.

I've just got home, tired from a long couple of days (and quite a lot and emotionally wearing week), and trawling through the humanbeatbox.com forum, I came across Romans 8:15 again.

Maybe I'm just hormonal. I fully accept that this may be the case. But I think God might be trying to tell me something as well.

And as for the Maidstone guys: they were the kindest people you could imagine, truly warm and friendly, and we've all been very blessed to have them with us.

Unreasonably early

Well, it's yet another Monday morning and I'm up at the crack of dawn (by which I mean before 10. Be reasonable.) As some of you might know, I spend Mondays on the mainland doing a theology course called Deeper, in which I invariably lose concentration multiple times a minute and in which Matt falls asleep. We're going to resort to Red Bull today, which I've never tried before.

Seriously though, how am I supposed to stay focused?! 6 hours (including lunchbreak)of sitting behind a desk and listening to someone talk. Oh, and taking notes, just to keep it fun. The only upside is that it's all truly sound stuff that I love knowing, and the blame lies entirely with me that I don't make more of an effort. I should start going to bed earlier on Sundays.

Mondays are mad. I'm going to have to leave the house at half past 7 and I won't be back until about 11pm, because after travelling back from Southampton, I help at this thing called Soul Cafe. So it's all fun and games, everything winds to a close soon anyway, and then I'll realise how good I had it and how much I miss it. Such is life, eh ;)

Hope you're all ok, and I've got a favour to ask. Please tell me what sort of thing you'd like to read about here. I'd really love some feedback.

Another one?!

Hey guys! I know I've been blogging like a mad thing lately, not entirely sure why, but I haven't really felt like keeping a diary ever since I left it in the pub (I'm so clever.)

Anyway, this post is in recognition of the fact that I seem to have acquired a new reader!

Oh and this just in: Batman is a big gay.

Be church

I went to cell today for the first time in ages.

For those who don't know, cell group is like a bible study with socialising, theological and philosophical debate, and today cake as well.

I've missed those guys so much, they really made me realise what I was missing.

I haven't been doing too well lately. Ok I'm going to be brutally honest, I'm not super-depressed or anything, things have just been ... bad.

My mum's been diagnosed with diabetes, my dad's liver is failing, I haven't been eating properly, haven't been praying or reading my bible, haven't been to church in weeks...

And I only just realised there was a problem. But today I went to cell (with Lucy, who is back from 8 months in Africa and who is a complete blessing from God for all of us right now) and I just fell back on the network of support that, for some insane reason, I haven't been making the most of.

They're such wonderful people. And we're really secure as a group, and it really does feel like family.

So, sorry to everyone I've been weird at lately, most of it was because I was all lethargic from not eating, with any luck things will improve.

And I'd like to leave you with this thought: don't go to church, BE church. When your friends think of Christianity, they see you. Bear his name well.

Purdyful!

Look what I've found!

There are loads of stunning pictures here, check them out.

B t B t

Ok ok ok I know, terribly slack of me, but I'm here now and ready to bore you senseless with more beatbox-related shenanigans!

Last Friday (the 8th), I went up to London to witness the 2007 UK Beatboxing Championships. I got collected in Portsmouth by the incredibly sweet Fat Tony, who came and looked after me even though trains are evil, and whom I've been wanting to meet for ... oooh, weeks. Months. Once in London, we picked up Philippic (who is an absolute sweetie) and wandered around Angel Islington trying to find Grace (Bellatrix's friend). Bear with me, the names might get confusing, especially since everyone has two. We found Grace in the end, and went back to loitering outside the venue.

Y'see, everyone was going to arrive at 5, so we got there early. Quite early. Well, very. And we waited outside as people pointed and whispered (Tony was dressed as Russell Brand, it's a look that certainly gets a lot of attention!) After a while, BeatMuppet, YasSon, etc. all turned up from booking a room at the Generator (the hostel we were to spend the night in). Then everyone turned up.
Everyone.
All the people I had been so nervous of meeting, and a few it hadn't even occurred to me I might meet! Shlomo, the Petebox, TyTe, Bellatrix, Hobbit, some incredibly talented people. I don't think I was too star-struck, maybe I went a bit quiet at first but it soon passed, simply because they're all such awesome people.

The London finals started two hours later than expected, which was cool as I got bonus time to talk to people and get hugs ;) and they rocked. I could honestly not believe the skill in that room. I was hanging around with Phil and Tony feeling way less awkward than I expected to, and loving every minute of it!

Then came the UK finals, held in a packed club. Shlomo's set was every bit as good as Tony had promised it would be. Scratch's was awful, there was some pretty heavy distortion, but after that came the finals...

Fozzie shouldn't have gone out that early if he's as good as BM swears he is. He paced himself wrong, held a lot back for the next rounds which sadly never came. BM was not a happy bunny. Or indeed a happy mammal of any description.

The semifinals between Bella and Beardyman were absolutely genius, very entertaining dynamics going on there! (Bella's 18, win the for?! Truly amazing skill.)

Now, don't get me wrong, the championships were legendary (Beardyman won, naturally), but that wasn't the best part. The best part started afterwards. BM was trying to round up everyone so that we could get back to the Generator, but leaving is never that easy, especially when a few members of the party have been drinking. He had to physically carry Brown out of the club twice while YasSon looked for his bag and fished some Tea Tree oil out of his pint.

The journey back was entertaining to say the least, I alternated between shepherding along the slightly unsteadier people and talking to BM and TyTe.

Ok, all of you know how much I've been going on about TyTe. Well don't expect to hear the end of it any time soon because he's LOVELY, a truly stellar man and a legend in the flesh. Good hugger too. And friendly. He TALKED to me. (And I talked back, don't get the impression I was just stood there going "Heehee... you're TyTe, you are", no, I was just fine thankyou.) Then he left, because he had to be alive for the next day...
And as for BeatMuppet... well. He's a Christian, the most physical beatboxer I've seen, he likes Discworld, and recommended Velvet Elvis to me, and threatened to improve my vocabulary (can you believe it!) AS WELL as being a computer geek. So, you know, it was good to talk to him.
UPDATE! Enough time has now passed that I can clarify: "it was good to talk to him" means "he is My Type in every way that matters, and I developed a fun crush on him more or less instantly."

We got to the Generator at about 4am, it was getting light already and we were all knackered... especially poor Hobbit. He'd been performing on stage, and had to be up at 7, so he was quite keen to get to sleep. Nobody else was. It just wasn't happening. The constant stream of innuendo regarding bottles, cucumbers, and even Zippy (who never sounded that perverted before) were enough to keep me laughing till I cried. A truly awesome night.

I'm missing out so much here but I'll try to keep it short. The next day we got kicked out at 10 and all went our separate ways by tube and train; Yas, Yas's friend whose name I feel bad for not remembering, Tony and I caught the same train back and talked all the way. Yas is a sweetheart. In the end, I hugged Tony goodbye, and went home... knackered, but happy.

And, just because I haven't mentioned them yet, I'd like to say how great it was to meet Bevis, Typerite, Vig, Skitz, Magda, and argh I've forgotten her name, the one with the gorgeous hair.

They were all lovely, I will most definitely be meeting them again, and I've been staying in touch with BM because he's way awesome.

So that is it! That is what I did with my weekend! That is what I've been hyped about ever since! And five gold reader stars if you actually got this far, well done you.

Roffle. I'm a geek.

Dude... site recommendation. This has had me laughing for ages! A few of my favourites:

Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
Cthon98> ********* see!
AzureDiamond> hunter2
AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
Cthon98> *******
Cthon98> thats what I see
AzureDiamond> oh, really?
Cthon98> Absolutely
AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
AzureDiamond> awesome!
AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

_________

*** Now talking in #christian
-Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot. For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info
Abstruse> !kjv numbers 22:21
Word_of_God> Numbers 22:21 -- And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab. - (KJV)
*** SageRider sets mode: +b *!*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au
*** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider (Please dont Swear)
Abstruse> I know I'm never going to be able to come back in this channel again after this, but damn was it worth it to see that...

__________


tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
Ouroboros> Ok.
tag> | .
Ouroboros> . |
tag> | .
Ouroboros> . |
tag> | .
Ouroboros> | .
Ouroboros> Whoops

__________

kow`> "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."
SpaceRain> That's only 2 types of people, kow.
SpaceRain> STUPID

__________

P.S. Let's hear it for men who dance, yowza. o.O

Oxford, Sleepover, Pub, and Dirty Dancing.

See the title for this post? See what happens when I'm gone for three days? DO YOU SEE?!

Some of you have been expecting me to talk about Tuesday for some time now, and I'm very sorry for not updating you all sooner, but as you see things have been fairly hectic.

So! Oxford. I went (all by myself) on the ferry and then the train (like a big girl) to Oxford, and I was freaking TERRIFIED. The train would take only two minutes between stations until we got near my stop, then suddenly it was draaaagging ooouut... and then the train inexplicably started going BACKWARDS.
As I got closer to my destination I got jumpier, edgier, fidgetier - fortunately not enough to become too conspicuous, I hope. At one point I started worrying because I'd gone so pale that my skin was actually blue, before realising that the train's windows were actually tinted slightly; that was a relief.

SO ANYWAY after that I actually went out of the station and saw him. Right there. Dave. Without a screen between us, or indeed anywhere in sight, there he was and there I was and... what now?
Well what happened next was we talked, and hugged (which he'd told me not to do straight away but changed his mind about), we got food, we went for a walk, sat in the park, talked, hugged (slightly awkwardly at first, then I relaxed a bit). We caught the bus back to his house, blur, blur, hugging, cat, blur, watched memento, blur, hugging (uhgahbuh), blur, dinner, home...

Yes, yes, I know. I can't remember a lot of it, not in detail anyway, because of the combination of nerves and excitement and hugging and not having a fantastic memory anyway. But I hope it's enough to say that it was truly awesome, that everybody I met was lovely and fun and generally great. In fact while I'm here, thank you, guys, you made me feel really welcome. Everybody go ahhhhh.

It wasn't until I was headed home that I started to worry about the fact that I'm an emotionally stunted wreck who may not even be capable of entering a real relationship, let alone sustaining one, but we'll brush over that.

I didn't get home until gone midnight, and by then I was too tired to blog, sorry guys. I should have done it the next morning, but I hadn't anticipated just how mad the next few days were going to be...

Wednesday: I went over to Dom's and played Kingdom Hearts 2. Awesome game. Haven't played it in months because her rabbit ate the wire. Steve (my honorary big brother) came over. Dave was sad. That made me sad, and worried, and guilty, but things got better. I think.

Thursday: Played Kingdom Hearts. Steve came over. I went to the pub for open mic night, which was awesome, and came back to Dom's smelling of smoke (so I refused to inflict that smell on her and slept in the living room that night).

Friday: Dom ran me a bubbly bubble bath! Hooray! Played KH. (Okay, maybe it was less manic than it felt, but I still had a truly awesome time. Dom is lovely.) Thennnn we went to a girly night with some of the cell group girls, we watched Dirty Dancing and had snacks, painted nails, etc. while the guys did guy things.
What guy things? Well, we found them running around outside Naomi's house with clingfilm, sellotape and beer.

In conclusion: much awesomeness has occurred. Much of which I'm sure I've forgotten just at the moment, but never mind.

Ooh, also I've dyed my eyelashes black for some reason, which I didn't know you could do. Apparently you can. *Flutters eyelashes*

I am pleased with you

Ok, so I thought I'd post again just to give you wonderful crazies who read my blog somewhere else to natter! By the way, you're all so truly awesome I can't even express it in words, so instead here is a picture.



That is for being good readers.

I've spent most of today in Guildford visiting my new baby cousin Josie, she's adorable and I'll get a photo up soon. Yay.

I was talking to Dave on the phone earlier, and right before I hung up I said "I'll see you tomorrow."

I'll see you tomorrow.

"I'll see you tomorrow"...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Unwanted recognition

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3 today. That is not, in my eyes, the most interesting thing that happened. I got the CDs I sent the money off for two months ago, but that's not the most interesting thing either. I bought a present for someone at an insanely reduced price, but that's not it either.

The most interesting, embarrassing thing that happened to me today was when I was paying for the aforementioned gift. I was with my mum, my brother and my little sister. The guy behind the till, (pretty attractive, blond hair, nice eyes) looked up at me as he was handing the card back and said

"You are the one who was on Small Talk, aren't you?"

Many of you know that I blush quite easily. Well it was a prize-winner this time, I looked down and silently died while my brother and mum laughed. (Esther would have only been a baby at the time so she was a bit bemused by it all.)

I got out of there fairly quickly, extremely distressed and laughing at myself, before having the presence of mind to actually talk to the poor guy. I thought he looked like Sean, a kid I went to primary school with, and the receipt confirmed that.

I don't talk about my brief brush with fame, mostly because my 8-year-old self was an idiot, and having that idiocy broadcast to the nation isn't much to be proud of.

But yes. Here, on my blog, where I am loved and accepted by all three of my regular readers, I am finally coming clean: I was on TV once. And I am not ashamed.

Well, I am slightly ashamed. Just don't tell people, yeah?

Various people and other such miscellany

Oh, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to say! I could tell you not much has been going on, really, but that's blatantly not true. They're just all very mini-subjects.

So! Things I am thinking about, in no particular order.

1) I'm meeting Dave ON TUESDAY

2) I'm meeting Tony, going to London, meeting Hobbit, watching the beatboxing championships, sleeping there on the 8TH JUNE

3) Last night my suspicions were confirmed, a rather friendly guy told me that the reason he was talking to me is that he's been going through one heck of a dry patch, and when he asked James to be introduced to some new people, our helpful mutual friend pointed him my way. Thanks, James.
(No, actually it's ok, he's a lovely guy and we've had some interesting conversations. It's a weird one though, going to the pub with no intention of sleeping with ANY of them. Confusing or what!)

4) I got lovely hugs from lovely somebodies! Drunk guys give awesome hugs, I'm very sorry that this is the case, but it is. And they seem impressed by my hugs too, you know girls usually do quite pathetic hugs? Like they're afraid they're going to snap? My female friends, I love you, but you must work on that. Seriously.

5) I've just spent too much time doing some insane google-sleuthing to find out who drew a random picture. On the plus side I've educated myself in the process, I now know the difference between Jean Grey, Phoenix, Dark Phoenix and Madelyne Pryor; not to mention the plots involving all of them, the names of many of Marvel's comic artists, and so on and so forth. Heck, it might come in handy if I ever need to impress a comic geek (which between Northern Tom and Adam is a very real possibility).

6) Yes, Northern Tom. Toms have adjectives here. When I used to hang out with Jamez (with a Z) he was always telling me about his adventures with Small Tom, Tall Tom, Big Tom, Medium-sized Tom (seriously), I think there was a Welsh Tom too... maybe Northern Tom was one of them.

7) K that's all thanks bye!

Innocent whistling

As I saunter embarrassedly back on to my blog, hoping nobody minds my two-week absence terribly (c'mon, forgive me, you know you want to!), I can't help but marvel at how much has happened.

If only I could remember some of it.

Ah! Dave has given birth, or his wife has if you want to be picky about it. Welcome to the world, Seth!

Jamez is pregnant - his girlfriend, must I spell it out every time? - but the baby was moving too much for the scan to show the gender, so that'll be a lovely surprise for them. Well, not too much of a surprise probably. It's not as if they'll be saying "A what?! A boy?! What the heck... sorry, I think I need to sit down." No. There are only two main options, neither terribly surprising.

Things are going rather splendidly on the old religion front, woo for that. I've spent most of the evening with my good buddy Dominique praying and talking and reading the Bible and whatnot, and we're both feeling rather positive about everything. We're both very much looking forward to Lucy coming back from Africa, but I'm terrified what she'll think of what's happened in her absence...

We have a team from India working with us at YFC this week. Despite my self-esteem crash when they turned up on Monday, they actually turned out to be very lovely girls indeed. Girls and boy.

One of my readers is sad. This is very unfortunate. I'm praying for you, sweetie, and I hope you and him sort things out as quickly as is divinely possible.

You know, I ordered some CDs from Jay Foreman two months ago and they still haven't turned up? Slacker. Granted, he's not in the country, but really. It's just not good customer service.

I'm reading a book called Slick by Daniel Price, about the people who manipulate the media (not just adverts - all the media, news included). Very enlightening stuff, although my already-low BS limit has been strengthened once again - I can't stand to watch adverts at the moment, they're all so utterly transparent. Yes, this product will get me sex, I believe you.

I should be asleep, we're setting up for Catalyst Vibe in the morning (which I had forgotten). Should be a good one.

Aww... it happened again...

Every time. Every damn time. *sigh*

Open Mic Night last night was good, as always, with the added bonus of free pop-up hats from the bar - mine is a lime-green cowboy hat. How can you not love that?! But the reason I'm frustrated with myself is that I suddenly missed CQ, which led me to his MySpace page, which led me to listen to Calliope again, which led to me playing it again. And again. AND AGAIN. Last time this happened, I racked up a fair few plays before I dragged myself away from it... I just love this song so much!! Out of the 1050 plays it's had, I reckon about half of them are me, no exaggeration. I looooove it.

Listen to it because it is awesome.

I've been writing so much poetry lately, in a desperate attempt to find something I could read out in public without being ashamed of myself. I'll keep you posted.

Soooo... how is everyone?

I'm such a girl!

I've been fighting it for years, but it seems some traces of femininity escaped the purge.

I went to a charity fashion show last night. It was all for a good cause, St. Luke's Leprosarium, and after the catwalky bit (my friend Amy was a model, and very gorgeous she is too), we were let loose to buy designer clothes at half price. It must have gone to my head. I was very good, I must say, I only bought two things:

A floaty, yellow, slightly translucent skirt that reminds me of a daffodil,

And a dress... yeah, I bought a dress. A little black one. A little black fairly revealing one.

I wore the skirt today, loving it, even if I have to remember not to stand in front of bright lights. Then I wore the dress over jeans to go to Dominique's, which in retrospect was a mistake because we usually lie down on a double bed / floor sofa thing in the living room to talk, and this dress was not designed for horizontal wearing (things don't stay where they're put, if you see what I mean) but I still love it.

So, yes, I am now apparently female. Hooray for me.

Other worlds

Parallel universes, alternate dimensions, whatever you want to call them: the possibility of other worlds has infiltrated science and science fiction, to the point where most people have an opinion on the subject.

To read about the scientific debate behind the multiverse theory, read this Wikipedia article. I'm no scientist; I'd rather talk about the philosophical implications, if that's alright with you.

If this world is merely one of many, all slightly (or radically) different; if every choice sends us shooting down one leg of the trousers of time; what does this mean?
It means that whatever you do (killing someone, falling off a cliff, adopting a child) had to be done in some universe.
It means that, somewhere out there, Romeo and Juliet lived to a ripe old age, or never met.
It means that we can work around all the little ideological glitches of time travel.
It means that however remote the chances of life are, it was bound to happen somewhere, and that there are probably loads of unoccupied universes out there, and maybe many where dinosaurs still roam the earth, or where only Venus supports life.

So choice doesn't matter in the multiverse, because viewed from the outside it's just everything happening. Absolutely everything.

If, on the other hand, there is only one world, one universe, and this is it, well what does that mean?
It means what you do matters.
Your choices have consequences.
This is your one chance to get things right.
It means that something as colossally unlikely as life must have a purpose of some sort, and should therefore be valued and treated with respect.

Okay, so the multiverse theory is exciting, in a Star Trek kind of way. Other species, other stories, a world where you married Claudia Schiffer, anything and everything your imagination can concieve. But I personally find it much more thrilling to imagine that my life, my decisions, somehow count. I think it's better that way; better if we live knowing that the way we do things will be the way things are done, and that nothing can change that.

It just feels nicer, doesn't it? To know that you're not a murderer, you never were and hopefully never will be? Anywhere? Ever? To know that you can create yourself in your image, and that it matters?

I think it's a more beautiful idea, and that it's true.