I had one seminar on my timetable for today, and it turns out that was a mistake. So instead of going home and moping, I thought I'd go exploring. I did the same after my lecture yesterday, I found the train station so that I could get my boy next week without getting lost. Today I found the shops! Oh my gosh! I don't really like shopping, but after living in a student ghetto for a fortnight it was such a relief to be back in the real world.
I wandered around happily knowing that I could be myself, that I could talk to people without being nervous. That's who I really am. I'm a vaguely confident, happy person - but for some reason I can't be that at university. YET. I can't wait to start being myself again, it'll be such a relief!
It's been strange, actually worrying about what people think of me. It's affected everything I do, say, and even wear! That's not like me at all! Back home I wear what I damn well like because I know that I know what I'm doing. I know people and they know me. That's a very enviable position to be in, and I never realised that until now, when I'm completely anonymous and there's nobody I know. Fingers crossed that'll change soon.
Things have been a bit rocky with God lately, so any prayers would be so much appreciated. Life in general is a bit odd right now, just because there's so much that's new. But I'm hopeful, and positive, and I swear it's not just the fairtrade chocolate talking. Mmmm. Fairtrade chocolate makes you thinner! And boosts you IQ! And other such self-delusive lies.
(Is 'delusive' right? It should be.)
I want to thank you guys who read / comment here, you're all so incredibly supportive... it's wonderful to know that there are people who care. God bless you.
Bear
Friday, 28 September 2007
A stranger in a strange land
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Define rocky.......?
ReplyDeleteFBL
We all go through highs and lows spiritually... or I certainly do anyway! This is just a bit of a low. I'm not feeling very connected to God, or in touch with Him at all really. I try to pray and read my Bible and all, and I'm aware that the truth isn't dependent on feelings, but I'd really love some reassurance from Him that He does actually - um - EXIST. You know? :(
ReplyDeleteFirst thing - maybe my taking the time to write this two line response is that reassurance from God for today?
ReplyDeleteSecond thing - put your Bible aside, get comfortable and try to spend five minutes in silence just keeping company with God. If you find that hard because your mind's too active, there's your problem. Small wonder after the couple of weeks transitioning you've had!
When I'm all over the place spiritually, getting back into that place where I can just be with God in the silence is the surest way back to some kind of consistency. It gets easier with time. Do it for a week and you'll be back on track.
Another way that helps is through music - if there are particular pieces that touch you and bring you close to God, stick them on and just sit still for a few minutes to listen to them.
For me, ironically, it's not Christian music that helps. I have a choral version of Barber's Adagio for Strings which is great, and I also love the work of the composer Thomas Newman who did the scores for Shawshank Redemption, American Beauty and Phenomenon among others. His soundscapes help me open my mind to the wideness of God when I'm feeling less than myself and boxed in.
Hang in there, sis. God is closer than you think.
FBL
God made fairtrade chocolate. :)
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