An attempt at vulnerability

Some of you know I haven't been myself lately, and hopefully this will explain why...

To understand why the current situation is so very terrible, I have to explain a bit of background. Myself, Lucy, Dominique, Matt and Justin used to be a really tight group of good friends, and there were plenty of others. We used to meet up all the time to have fun, mess around, watch films, whatever; but very often we'd pray together. It was brilliant, it's so valuable to have a support network of Christian friends who can encourage and build each other up. We were all out for God, and it was wonderful. Some of them used to go to open mic night and evangelise, something I never worked up the courage to do.

Things have changed now. A lot. And not for the better. Lucy's gone to Africa - from her emails it seems like God's doing amazing things in her life, she seems completely fired up for him, which is just brilliant. But she's gone, and Matt's usually working, Justin doesn't like us any more due to many complicated and private reasons; basically we've been losing people one by one and overall... it feels like the group has lost the fire.

My own spiritual walk with God has been getting increasingly rubbish, and I only just noticed. It was only tonight that I realised how far we've fallen.

Another thing we used to do, back when Jamez was still in the picture, was go on adventures. A guy called Jon - mine and Dom's friend, Matt's brother - said he wanted to go on an adventure - so we did. Me, and Dom, and Jon, and Toby, we caught a bus to anywhere and walked along a long road in the dark. It was amazing; we were next to the sea, so we could hear the waves, and the only light was from the stars. Oh, my word, the stars; millions and millions of them. It looked like we were in a bowl of water, and someone had thrown glitter on top.

Well if that's not a time for praying, I don't know what is. It was difficult, since we are spiritually moribund, but we prayed.

I said I knew how rubbish I was. I said I wanted to do better. I told him I missed him.

There was no instant warm fuzzy feeling, it was far too cold out and I couldn't feel my hands. There was no flash of light, unless perhaps from a passing car. But I at least know what's been causing the problem now, and I hope that - as a group, albeit a small and slightly fragile one - we can begin to work towards fixing it.