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Monday, 20 October 2008

Being better

Egads, people...

I don't really know what to say for myself.

I'm sorry, most of all. I am currently feeling very sorry indeed. I've been a terrible friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend. a terrible person in general. I'm not depressed about it; it's not my way to convince myself that I'm worthless and to feel terrible about it.

How to express it... I would be worthless without the love of others. As it is, you've given me a value, God has given me a value, that I could never hope to earn on my own. So thank you for that.

I'm trying to be better, but then I always try to be better and very little comes of it. Still. One must keep trying.

As I'm often told, you don't have to be better than anyone else, you just have to be better than yesterday.



    I was sitting here browsing the internet with this running in the background, and I automatically went to load up my password cracker and trace tracker from the Uplink game. Seriously. And then when they weren't there I thought "oh it's ok, I stored a copy of all my files on that science lab PC I hacked on that research stealing mission"...

    Now that was a good game. I'm gonna have to re-install it some time soon. Good music!

    And now for the important stuff: I go for the "better than yesterday" approach too, though I quite happily look at other people and go "hmm... I want to be as kind as them", or "as caring as them" or some other value of theirs that I wish I had. Other people are better than me, but I guess in the end it comes down to trying to aim for that template of the "perfect dude" which was Jesus. If possible I'd rather avoid being crucified, but he was a very cool guy.

    And now, just to distract you from the lack of planning that went in to this comment, have a poem that I read recently in a Christian book shop and loved:

    I once asked Jesus "How much do you love me?"
    He replied "This much", and he stretched out his arms and died.

  2. Bear in mind that you look at others with a very shallow view. You can't see what goes on inside their heads, what their motivations for things are, whether they are truly happy, or how they feel. Also you see yourself with a far too intricate view. You know of any bad thoughts that occur to yourself, of your true intentions, and so you assume others will judge you by those standards. They won't, they see you as you see everyone else.

    I offer a parable: Aged 14 I was playing football for my school, against our great rivals Llanrumney, whom we had never beaten. The game stood at 1-1, with little time remaining. I had the ball on the left wing, and cut in onto my right foot to cross. I spotted our striker making a run for the far post, and tried to curl the ball in for him to head. I put too much curl on the ball, and it went flying into the top corner, winning the game and making me the temporary toast of the team.

    Fantastic Roy Of The Rovers-style tale of glory, right? Except that what happened was a complete fluke. It was the only goal I ever scored for my school, and to be honest I was pretty rubbish at football. What everyone else saw that day though was a player in his pomp, nonchalantly beating the keeper from 25 yards and a tight angle, before accepting the adulation of his teammates. I even had the presence of mind to do a cool goal celebration (the "shush" one - I doubt you know it but it's the epitome of cool). I imagine at least one person looked at me and thought "I wish I could be as good at football as he is". I'm equally sure that had they gotten their wish they'd have been incredibly disappointed.

    In short, comparing yourself to others will never work. You'll always see someone you believe is happier, cooler, sexier, funnier, or whatever than you. Whether or not they actually are, you'll never know. Best simply to measure yourself against yourself, and accept that so long as Gav has a smile on his face; people leave nice messages on this blog; your family accept you home with hugs and smiles; and your friends continue to invite you over to have a laugh; you're probably doing just fine.

  3. Aww, dan. You're lovely, and I sincerely believe that you should have your own blog (I'd read it!), but today's been a stinker too. I'm failing to do even the simplest things that could make people, or indeed myself, happy. I'm not taking care of myself or of Gavin, and it's getting to me even worse today. Blaaagh. I need therapy.

  4. No you don't. You need cheering up. What you want to do is sort yourself out with a long hot bath (preferably containing colour-changing Mateys - it has to be magic!!).

    Lie back and concentrate on absolutely nothing, for it's overcontemplation that causes these miseries. Or as Albert Camus put it: "You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of." Sit back, and it'll come to you.

    As for failing to look after Gav, I bet if you ask him he'll tell you that you don't have to do anything to make him happy. I'm sure your presence alone suffices. In fact I'd stake my reputation on it.

    As for having my own blog, I wouldn't know where to start. Maybe y'all can give me some pointers.

  5. Head over to Blogger! They'll make it nice and easy for you. Aw you should totally do it, it would be great :)

  6. Possibly once I move house and have regular internet access. Time will tell.

  7. I like the idea of "being better than yesterday" because being better than other people is a lot harder. I will have to take on your approach.

  8. Anna - you are brilliant. I love to read your blog, check it everyday actually! You always make me smile!!! Sending you warm thoughts from Canada!!!

  9. Wow! Thanks Heather, that's really cool! I've gone international :D x


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