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Friday, 17 September 2010


I have very vague memories of a night, must have been a year or so ago; details of the nightmare are lost in the time that has passed since. I only remember that I couldn't scream. I was terrified, and I needed help, but I couldn't scream.

Eventually I managed a squeak; a small sound of distress, all I was capable of at the time; and he was there. We so rarely spent the night together, but he was there that night. He comforted me, and told me everything was going to be ok. A tiny noise, heard and recognised by the only person who could save me from whatever terrors I was facing.

It could be that this never actually happened. Am I remembering his nightmares as my own? I know I woke him from bad dreams once. Did I concoct it in last night's half-sleeping daze? An invented fiction that brought tears to my eyes, because part of me believes I need to feel guilty? A dream of a memory, brought on by watching Ink and sleeping in an unfamiliar place? I'm not sure. But regardless of the facts, of the history, the truth remains this:

I miss him. And I'm still not used to this new kind of aloneness.


  1. Has your relationship ended?! The above sounds like a really painful experience, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a miserable time :(

  2. (((Hugs.))) I wish I could make it all better but I don't know what I can say. I know how much it hurts. And it's okay to be sad. :(

  3. Hi Anna. As honest as usual - one of your greatest gifts to us. All I can say is that it will get better, but there are no shortcuts to 'well again'.

    7 years ago I was in a car crash from which I walked away unscathed but utterly shaken. Later that week I went to a retreat centre where they had a labyrinth. Go google if you don't know much about them.

    I walked it slowly and prayerfully - a deeply meaningful experience - and one of the lasting memories of it for me is that whatever happens, it's all held within the compass of God's love. As you walk the labyrinth there are times when you feel like you're careering towards the edge. But the thing is, if you keep your head down, keep focusing on the next step, you will eventually get to the centre. It's guaranteed.

    It's all held. And so are you.




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