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Monday, 11 October 2010

Silly girl

Shortly before my seventeenth birthday, I went on a week-long camping trip with YFC (the charity I ended up doing a gap year with). I met hundreds of new people; Christians, my age, and they were wonderful and exciting. A new chapter of my life started that week.

Part of that chapter (a not inconsequential part) was my discovery of hugs. On the last night, after a waterfight and a bedtime story (a Mister Men book, though I forget which one), I ended up in the arms of a young man called Matthew. I'd never met him before that week - odd, considering the vast crossover between any two lives on the Isle of Wight. We cuddled into the early hours, just stood up in the middle of the campsite enjoying holding each other. At an age when many of my peers had lost the big V, I was still astonished that anyone would willingly touch me. Yes, my self-esteem was that low. I found a spot on the back of his neck that made him shiver, and for me that was a breakthrough - the beginning of the realisation that I, too, could be desirable.

I remember him telling me then that this didn't mean anything special, and that some girls got the wrong idea.

"I think I can manage not to fall for you," I said, possibly raising one eyebrow sardonically in what turned out to be utterly misplaced confidence. It took me a good two years to get over him properly; two years wasted obsessing over a guy I could never really have been happy with. Eventually, I met Gavin and realised that stupid unrequited crushes are best left in high school.

All that was over six years ago now, and a lot can change in six years. I grew up. I  left high school, did my gap year, found myself, lost myself, moved away from home, started university, found love, had a three-year relationship, moved to Cardiff, made new friends... and yet...

"You know I'm no good, right?"

"Yeah. You can join the rest of the world on that one."

I have learned exactly nothing. History, it seems, is doomed to repeat itself. I am a moron.


  1. Your not a moron.. your human. We have these crazy emotions that tend to rule us instead of logic. Its irritating huh?

  2. It sure is, lady Z. Oh well. At least it's not dull!

  3. Take heart. I think it means you're alive.

  4. Holy new update, Batman, a new blog!

    Moron? Non. We all do similarly self-destructive/hindering/infuriating/bananaing things. Otherwise life would be easier, and what human wants that?
    And have you seen Mary street? That's repeated itself for decades! I'm not sure that was the best comparison to make, especially when the kind of hug you're most likely to see there is a policeman wrestling someone to the ground...

    Hugs. Are. Awesome.
    (though not the kind mentioned above.)

    By the way, did you do that uketastic open mic?

  5. HAA, suffice, they really are! I still haven't got around the the open mic; I lost my voice every day for a week or two. I'm probably well enough to do it now, though, so watch this space! Especially since I've started uploading videos again. I say 'again', the most I ever had on my channel was 3, but you get my point.

  6. Videos?

  7. "Eventually, I met Gavin and realised that stupid unrequited crushes are best left in high school."

    Sound advice, but unfortunately I fear I'll have to experience this one first hand to realise it for myself.

  8. It happens to us all, my dear, no matter what happens.


  9. I agree entirely with the last line of your most recent post: aside from the last four words. To not experience Love, Life, the human experience or to at least try to is more of a waste and more foolish than to back down due to the fear that you might fail/ get hurt!

    As George Bernard Shaw said; "we learn from history that we learn nothing from history!"

    Now to a history student that creates despair, despondancy and dpression as well as other emotions beginning with the letter D. But I did Archaeology at univeristy so I see it a different way....

    I had though out an end to that but it ended in such a tradmark tangent that I deleted it and went back to the alst logical point in my post that bore some relation to what the hell it was other people where talking about in the first place. If you want me to complete my unrelated/ irrlevant rant please contact me for details....


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