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Sunday, 19 April 2009

To: Every Boy Ever

First off, read this article about Every Girl Ever. This blog post won't make much sense otherwise!

Hi, every boy ever! Thanks for writing that article about our date. It really shows how much you understand women. It was really helpful to me; I hadn't realised what a vapid, talkative, irrational bitch I was until you pointed it out! Still, us women are all crazy, as you told me yourself, so I guess it can't be helped.

Anyway, about that date. Sorry I spent so long in the bathroom; there's nothing like a slightly disappointed look from your date to bolster your self-esteem. I was trying to make myself pretty enough to meet your high standards. Well, they're obviously high, because when you saw that photo of my friends, you called Beth (who, by the way, has a body I would die for) "the fat one." You're so funny! With that kind of sensitivity, you must be a hit with the ladies.

I would have done the hair and makeup stuff sooner, obviously, but I was busy having a life of my own that didn't involve you. Can you believe that? I know for next time not to be so rude!

But hey, I know you're really a gentleman, right? You opened the car door for me! And the smug, self-righteous look you gave as you did it was just so cute!

Did I talk too much over dinner? Oh jeez, I'm sorry. I do that. Especially when my date is staring silently out the window with his head on his hand. If I'd known in advance that you didn't care about my job, or my family, or me, I could have saved us both a lot of time!

Still, wasn't it great that we bumped into my friends? It spared us from spending any more time alone together in awkward silence, even though that was SO exciting!

It's such a shame that you didn't hit it off with Christine; that would have saved me a lot of trouble. I don't like her that much, but I still felt bad about leaving you there with her. I thought maybe you just didn't like me, and that you were a nice enough guy with other people. Guess not! Still, at least I managed to have some fun while you weren't around!

Thanks for the ride home. It was really nice of you, although I did seriously consider making the three mile walk alone rather than endure the painful silence of your hatemobile. I feel bad for misleading you into thinking that we were going to have sex. For some reason, nobody ever told me that a date constitutes a legally binding contract!

Anyway, maybe I'll see you around, or maybe I'll work very damn hard to make sure that never happens. Also, you kiss like a fish.


  1. That was fantastic. You are brilliant.
    that's all.

  2. Jeeez, don't be so butal...we're not ALL bad...

  3. Aww, I know you're not! I have more guy friends that girls. It's more a parody of the original article than anything. Besides, awkward dates are usually nobody's fault.

  4. Touche. But as HeyDrew, most guys aren't like that! Actually more like *some* guys aren't that bad. But it's rather annoying how dating has become this game of overanalysis and repressed disappointments, I wonder if it was ever easy.

    On a less rambly note, I think this was a worthy reply to the original article! I wonder if his article was meant in parody or semi-serious resentment...

  5. I have to say (even though this might destroy all my feminist street cred) having lived for several years in a college town where there were a great deal of vacuous young women and equally vacuous young men the original post made alot of sense to me. My friends say it's because I'm bitter about being almost 30. My friends are also bitches.

    Comedy gold I tell ya! I loved it!

  6. i'd rather love a girl who is talkative coz that proves her interest in me, and if she's not talkative i m always there to talk !

  7. Good stuff. The original article did seem pretty bitter and your retort was perfectly delicious.....did you submit it the the site the first article was posted on?

  8. give em hell anna, thats about all he deserves. how did you find this guy? under a rock......take care and keep your standards high, jack c

  9. haha that was should definitely submit that to the website of the original article!

  10. Hee hee hee. That made me laugh.

  11. yes i read your post before i read the other one. it was a great rebuttal though. take goods care, jack c

  12. If I may, I'd like to act as Devil's advocate for a moment. Having been on the date described (or a close approximation - she didn't have a cat), I feel I'm fairly well qualified.

    Firstly, it's more the content of conversation that's irritating, not the amount. People who talk about work outside of work should be silenced, whether it be on a date or in regular conversation. Unless you're an astronaut or an explorer, chances are you have a tedious job with tedious people, consisting of a series of tedious events and tasks, repeated every tedious day. Conversations about art, politics, music, film, and so on are much better on dates, but often people (both men and women) are too afraid to express an actual opinion on things in case it somehow marks them out as not romantically viable.

    Secondly, constantly readjusting hair and make-up is for you, not us. And that disappointed look from him was almost certainly in your head. Men are far less picky and critical that women think, which is why whipping yourselves into a frenzy making sure your hair is done perfectly and you have just the right amount of make-up on to accentuate that glint in your eyes is completely useless. I'd be far more impressed by a girl who turned up in casual clothes with no make-up. That, to me, says confident. Make-up says "I don't want you to see my real face". Why not wear a mask and be done with it?

    Thirdly, anyone who refers to a girl's friend as "the fat one" on a first date is representative of idiots, not men. Surprisingly to some, idiots can be both male and female.

    And finally, not all silence is awkward, and not every pause need be filled. People seem to have lost the art of enjoying each other's company without prattling on at each other.

  13. I think it was awesome. We all have those moments in our lives that can one day make us laugh our asses off.Take Care

  14. I officially feel better for today, thank you!

  15. That is a fantastic rebuttal. I think I sympathise with both sides tho, as some women I know really do come across like that! Love you. x


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