First off, read this article about Every Girl Ever. This blog post won't make much sense otherwise!
Hi, every boy ever! Thanks for writing that article about our date. It really shows how much you understand women. It was really helpful to me; I hadn't realised what a vapid, talkative, irrational bitch I was until you pointed it out! Still, us women are all crazy, as you told me yourself, so I guess it can't be helped.
Anyway, about that date. Sorry I spent so long in the bathroom; there's nothing like a slightly disappointed look from your date to bolster your self-esteem. I was trying to make myself pretty enough to meet your high standards. Well, they're obviously high, because when you saw that photo of my friends, you called Beth (who, by the way, has a body I would die for) "the fat one." You're so funny! With that kind of sensitivity, you must be a hit with the ladies.
I would have done the hair and makeup stuff sooner, obviously, but I was busy having a life of my own that didn't involve you. Can you believe that? I know for next time not to be so rude!
But hey, I know you're really a gentleman, right? You opened the car door for me! And the smug, self-righteous look you gave as you did it was just so cute!
Did I talk too much over dinner? Oh jeez, I'm sorry. I do that. Especially when my date is staring silently out the window with his head on his hand. If I'd known in advance that you didn't care about my job, or my family, or me, I could have saved us both a lot of time!
Still, wasn't it great that we bumped into my friends? It spared us from spending any more time alone together in awkward silence, even though that was SO exciting!
It's such a shame that you didn't hit it off with Christine; that would have saved me a lot of trouble. I don't like her that much, but I still felt bad about leaving you there with her. I thought maybe you just didn't like me, and that you were a nice enough guy with other people. Guess not! Still, at least I managed to have some fun while you weren't around!
Thanks for the ride home. It was really nice of you, although I did seriously consider making the three mile walk alone rather than endure the painful silence of your hatemobile. I feel bad for misleading you into thinking that we were going to have sex. For some reason, nobody ever told me that a date constitutes a legally binding contract!
Anyway, maybe I'll see you around, or maybe I'll work very damn hard to make sure that never happens. Also, you kiss like a fish.