In need of a redesign since 2011.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Stream of consciousness

I tell you what, you know you're a creative type when you almost wish you could get your heart broken just for the kickass poetry / music / art you'd get out of it.

It's been a long time since I seriously put out creative content regularly. I don't count these blog posts because, if I'm brutally honest, I put less effort into these than I would a poem or a picture. I guess that's one of the drawbacks of finding writing easy; it makes you lazy.

The past couple of nights, I've been staying up far later than I should wishing that somebody in particular was online. Somebody I've never met, and have nothing to say to. A sure sign of mental illness! He's... I guess, a blogger, and before that he was a youtuber, and I get the chance to chat with him every now and then about how things are going. I find him very exasperating, for reasons I won't go into here, and I have no idea why I suddenly feel like I need to hear from him.

Also, sheesh, how many times can you put "I" into a paragraph.

I used to have youtube vids up myself, actually. Only three or four. I found them today, having not watched them for a couple of years I guess, and it was really interesting to get a fresh look at myself. I could see how eager I was to please, to seem confident and interesting and fun. How much I wanted to look pretty and unique. It's interesting how deep-seated the need for approval is in some people. Aww, I told myself I wasn't going to do this, but: name-drop ahead: I was talking to Robert Webb on Twitter, and he seemed very aware of the fact that he seeks approval from everybody. He said it was the performer character-type, and I think I understand.

So here I am again, up at 3:22am, thinking too much about the wrong things instead of sleeping. I've got church in the morning and everything.


  1. I totally know what you mean about wanting a broken heart for the creativity. I used to crave being sad just to fuel my writing and still do sometimes and it sucks. Also, I know someone who always wanted to please people no matter what, it was just who he was. I think I changed it, because I really dislike that in a person. I don't really know how to feel.

  2. Oh no no - never wish for a broken heart. It hurts too much. And, contrary to popular opinion, it also stunts creativity. Now love, on the other hand...

  3. i totally concur about alot of us feeling the need to please.for the longest time i didint like interactive internet sites like facebook coz i felt the people who subscribe are so narcissistic and think their lives are so interesting they need to share every tit bit with the rest of the world. like can one be that shallow, or so eager to seem confident, fun and interesting to subject us to their daily goings on? but i guess it all depends on how u decide to use the forum hence why im a blogger now, coz i would rather read something thought-provoking by an Anna i dont know instead of reading somewhat paris hilton material from an acquaintance. catch my drift?

  4. Nomsa, thanks for the kind words! I think I'm probably just as people-pleasing, in my own way, but at least on some level it doesn't matter to me who reads this or how many comments I get. That really takes the pressure off, so I'm free to make this blog the best I can make it.

  5. "I tell you what, you know you're a creative type when you almost wish you could get your heart broken just for the kickass poetry / music / art you'd get out of it." If only that were true. My creativity seems to have dried up since I had my heart broken. Don't wish it on yourself.

  6. the word is that artists must struggle for their work, to suffer for the beauty they and they alone possess. the work they do becomes them, they do it because they have to...perhaps thats why you don't sleep at night, jack c

  7. dont wish for heart broken. ive been through with it all the time and it sucks.

  8. Be careful for what you wish for... though from my own experience i would say a broken heart was the most positive and life changing thing to happen to me. Perhaps I saw the silver lining and dealt with it differently? Maybe I was young and coped better? Obviously at the time you wondered if you would ever survive! Creativity wise, well I am working on a story, (something I never dreamt of doing) and I am working hard on a teaser/extract to post on my blog its arduous but when you finally finish the 30th draft of a 4 line paragraph it does make you smile.

    I know some people who were really ripping facebook, and I can understand why (I am a user and quite a hypocrite about it too :P) Often my wall would be plastered crap like:
    “I am going to a wedding this wkend!” “I am feel really drunk…” “I am going shopping.” At one point the anti facebook people almost swayed me to cancel my acct, but when I thought about it, I do like facebook. It encourages me to keep in contact with friends, and I keep my friends list really small, 80max. I know every person in real life. I’ve also messed around on it to limit the info I get from people who post their status every 5secs… so I no longer get tedious bits of info.

    I read your blog because its groovy! When I started writing, a bit of advice that really stuck with me was “write for yourself and it’ll attract the right people.”

  9. I totally get the broken heart thing. I write the most hilarious songs after breakups and stuff. My really good friends knoe exactly when each song was written just from what's in them.

  10. I think most people are looking for approval. It doesn't surprise me that the quality is prolific among bloggers or celebrities. It's all about showing off, innit?

  11. i agree with the first sentence. and i think that is a sure sign of mental illness. lol. but its all good. thats makes you a breed of your own :)


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