An object lesson

God occasionally teaches me things through object lessons; metaphors with something that I can see, hear, or feel.

Once a few years ago, I had a truly terrible day and I was in the foulest mood ever. I was too thoroughly miserable to go home, so instead, I went to the park and sat down in the middle of a rarely-used football field and refused to leave until God spoke to me somehow.
After about an hour, I was getting tetchy. I'd been staring at everyone to cross that field, just waiting for an epiphany to strike, but none had. Finally, sat there on the grass, I noticed a man walking his dog. I watched for a while as the little dog followed her master closely, occasionally running off to explore but never going too far. It wasn't until they got closer that I noticed that the man kept talking to the dog, calling her. I went and sat on a bench at the edge of the park and waited for them to pass me. As they did, the man said to me, "I have to keep calling her, she's completely blind!"

I was really struck by that. I had been stressing so much over my future, worrying about the fact that I couldn't see what was coming in my life, and here was a real-life parable that seemed so clear to me. I felt that God was telling me not to worry that I couldn't see ahead, and that if I just follow His voice I'll be ok. I needed to hear that.

So today, a similar thing happened. You might know that I've been struggling lately. Well earlier, I was sat in the student union bar looking at the ceiling at a light, and the light was very slowly changing colour.
I read in Velvet Elvis the other day (a great book by Rob Bell) that colours fade in the memory. They tested it, and people always made colours brighter, more vivid, to try to match the hue that they'd seen only moments before. So when you stare at a fixed colour, it becomes less impressive.
That wasn't happening here; the constant colour changes - blue, aqua, green, yellow, red, purple, blue - kept every colour fresh and bright and new. And once again, my object lesson instincts kicked in. And I realised that my relationship with God is going to keep changing because it's alive. It's an active, dynamic thing. A relationship is never something you just Have, like an ornament in a glass case; and in God's case maybe the intention is to keep me engaging with Him rather than being passive. So maybe I should stop thinking of my spiritual life in terms of 'highs and lows', but instead be thankful for the beautiful, strobing, ever-new nature of what God is to me.

Interesting thing of the day: The moon landings were Faked! No, really!! I mean it!!!1one

A stranger in a strange land

I had one seminar on my timetable for today, and it turns out that was a mistake. So instead of going home and moping, I thought I'd go exploring. I did the same after my lecture yesterday, I found the train station so that I could get my boy next week without getting lost. Today I found the shops! Oh my gosh! I don't really like shopping, but after living in a student ghetto for a fortnight it was such a relief to be back in the real world.

I wandered around happily knowing that I could be myself, that I could talk to people without being nervous. That's who I really am. I'm a vaguely confident, happy person - but for some reason I can't be that at university. YET. I can't wait to start being myself again, it'll be such a relief!

It's been strange, actually worrying about what people think of me. It's affected everything I do, say, and even wear! That's not like me at all! Back home I wear what I damn well like because I know that I know what I'm doing. I know people and they know me. That's a very enviable position to be in, and I never realised that until now, when I'm completely anonymous and there's nobody I know. Fingers crossed that'll change soon.

Things have been a bit rocky with God lately, so any prayers would be so much appreciated. Life in general is a bit odd right now, just because there's so much that's new. But I'm hopeful, and positive, and I swear it's not just the fairtrade chocolate talking. Mmmm. Fairtrade chocolate makes you thinner! And boosts you IQ! And other such self-delusive lies.

(Is 'delusive' right? It should be.)

I want to thank you guys who read / comment here, you're all so incredibly supportive... it's wonderful to know that there are people who care. God bless you.

"I'm so useless", a rant.

I don't try things properly because I'm scared of failing. I've tried to learn so many instruments over the years, but I give up before I can have the chance to fail or succeed. I've never really worked hard to become good at anything.

Hmm, let's see. Over the years, I've tried to learn:
Guitar
Glockenspiel
Ocarina
Harmonica
Penny whistle
Magic tricks
Juggling
Poi
Piano
Fire staff
Painting
Drawing
Writing
Beatboxing

And the only ones I've achieved anything vaguely resembling success in are drawing and writing.

I'm basically not willing to put in the practise. I'm put to shame by the people who've got years of experience with their instrument, people who've got a real passion and commitment to something.

I'm not feeling very passionate and committed to much at the moment. Blargh. You caught me mid emo-moment, I do apologise.

Revolutionary musings

I promise, this is going to be my last health-related post for a little while.

I've been to the doc's and apparently it was just a simple infection, or tonsillitis, or the 'kissing disease' or something. But basically I survived, and unless it keeps happening there's nothing to worry about! Lovely.

In addition to which, I'm the right weight for my height, my blood pressure's fine, and I don't have diabetes. Good for me! (Although perhaps I shouldn't be pigging out on peanut m&m's in celebration? Never mind.)

I've been talking to a friend about politics, and changing the world, and homelessness and everything. I want to change the world. I believe it can be done. Furthermore, I believe it SHOULD be done, since I'm one of the few with the power and the inclination to kick up a fuss. But where do I start? Do I just donate £2 a month to the good cause of my choice? Do I turn up at marches and protest everything going?

I'm still finding my way, but don't let me use that as an excuse. I should be starting NOW.

University and the like

I feel better! And my laptop is working! And university seems ok! And the library here has half a million books which is enough to form L-space! And I'm listening to a track called Sweet Charity by Mr Bungle and generally feeling rather awesome.

Did you know, if you hardly eat for almost a week, it really wrecks up your body? Over the past few days, in addition to a painful throat, I've had the muscles in my legs burning with lactic acid, and my tongue actually turned black after a glass of red wine (I kid you not, that is NOT ok with me)! Still, I appear to be 100% better now, thank God. Sorry to bore you all with my health, I realise it loses some of the fascination when you're not undergoing it personally!

I went to a poetry reading the other day, it was very enjoyable. I love poetry, and poetry readings are pseudo-intellectual enough to flatter me into feeling cultured. So that was nice. I came out of it feeling very fired up about how much I'm going to improve throughout university, and thinking "I could so do that!"

Now I'm listening to a song about a cartoon stuffed otter called Philippe. And that is one reason why my boy rocks. Another is that I just spent almost an hour with him on the phone. Hooray!

Love to you all :) x x

The Pain, the Pain...

So basically, my throat is swollen or something, and it's very painful indeed to swallow. So I'm not eating or drinking properly. This has been the case for about 5 days now. My leg muscles are cramping, I think that's because of the whole not eating thing... it's not good, really. I'm going to be meeting everyone on my course at uni today, and I can barely talk.

I realise this has been a very whingey post, but... feel sorry for me!

I've got a doctor's appointment for Friday, luckily, so I've just got to sit it out.

Pathetic Excuses

I'M HERE I'M HERE!! Sorry sorry sorry! But I was in Cardiff! Then packing for university! Now I'm at university! And ill and miserable and terrified and starting tomorrow! And I got abducted by aliens and had to save the world as we know it from...

Orrrr maybe I'm making some of that up.

But yes, Cardiff! have to tell you, never in my life have I had a moment so entirely special as being blind-fed a surprise breakfast in bed of... Ben and Jerry's. Drool. Does my boy know me or what! But it's okay because we were super-healthy for the whole rest of the 5 days I was there. But yes, Ben and Jerry's, watching South Park, and other such awesome things... quite possibly the most wonderful morning I've had, ever, EVER. I love you honey.

I met more people up there, which was wonderful, and we had a proper grown-up style dinner party on the last evening! Iiiiii know! And I almost, almost beat him at a combat game. Went right down to the decider. I was kicking ASS to start with, but the element of surprise can't last forever!

So, despite the fury and panic of starting university, and despite the sheer UNFAIRNESS of getting ill JUST BEFORE freshers' fortnight (I'm in constant pain, it's not ideal), I'm making it through by remembering happier times.

Well, wish me luck for tomorrow, and please pray that I get better. Pain makes me very grouchy which is A Bad Thing for first impressions.

I shall try to be less almost weekly, FBL my dear! Apologies!

52

I've been agonising over finding accommodation for university for a while, so it was blissfully relieving to find the right place first try. I have a place to live! Brilliant! I am (I know) a very, very lucky girl.

I'm not superstitious about the number 52, my subconscious just always seems to pick it out of a lineup. I'm always noticing it on license plates, house numbers and so forth. On the train up to Cardiff, I sat in a random seat and later noticed it was number 52. My brain really needs to stop doing that!

It would be silly to claim that my life is ruled by coincidence. But it is interesting that, on my first day in Cardiff, I bumped into Dave. A few of you will know Dave; he's doing a gap year in Wales and just happened to be passing through the park while I was out with my boy. So that was nice, and I had hugs!

So, life continues strange but wonderful, long may the slightly baffling magic continue! More detail to come no doubt.

Starving myself

It's autumn, can you believe it... autumn already... on the plus side, the weather today was gorgeous so I'm harbouring hopeful delusions that summer was just delayed.

That's the sort of thing you can see happening though, isn't it? "An administrative problem has led to the Summer of 2007 being delayed by 3 months. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause." Fingers crossed.

Been a funny couple of days... I'm officially blonde now, not to mention the proud (and shocked) owner of a miniskirt, so there's some quite radical self-image-adjustment happening in this little mind of mine.

My little sister is having her first day at High School tomorrow... she's really nervous about it so I'm walking her in. My brother had his first day at college today, and I'm going to university soon... it's all change!

Oh man... I'm not very happy. I haven't prayed or read my bible in I don't know how long, and it's really affecting me. I spend about 50% of my life in this state, not doing nearly enough to keep myself spiritually healthy. Jesus said "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God"; and that's more than just a passing thought, it's an important truth. I've been starving myself, evidently. (So that's what the sensationalist post title was about, sorry!)

And on top of starving myself spiritually, I've been living off junk food because that's all that's in the house, so I'm generally feeling rather low.

Interesting thing of the day (and heaven knows you need one after reading my miserable moanings): A rad and random game!