Scrapbook etc

For those who're interested, my recent creative splurges are here, the photos I've been taking recently are here, some funny photos of people (myself included in a wig) are here, and a picture of a happy face is here.

Some of you may well be wondering why I got kicked out of the pub. It's not as glamorous and exciting as I apparently made it sound; I intended to drink some coke, maybe, but went straight through to the beer garden. This is apparently suspicious behaviour, so Gav was told to come get me. I got ID'ed, grumped a bit, and had to go. I went back a couple of days later with my passport and an apology ready - it's a difficult job they do, and I felt bad for saying "This is ridiculous" - but apparently Dan had Had Words with the management and told them that if they ID me they'll never work in this town again.

I hope Ross was exaggerating.

It's good to have friends like that, isn't it? Scary friends who Know People. Back home on the Isle of Wight I had my own mini-mafia looking out for me; I've lost count of the number of people who've sworn to avenge me should I ever have my heart broken. This is something I have not previously shared with my Beloved, so, surprise honey!...

Does this website make my butt look big?

I KNOW EXCITING ISN'T IT

Welcome to the all-new (i.e. slightly different) Almost Daily Exploits! MARVEL as I make slight adjustments over the coming weeks! (You did marvel, I distinctly saw you marvelling.) By the way, if anyone knows where I could get a 5-star rating widget for each post (á la YouTube) please let me know in the comments. You may be interested to know (although I can't think why you would) that I've also added a wishlist to my profile.

Heartfelt thanks to my Beloved for showing me how to do basic CSS adjustments. I am now a technology wizzard. Although I would like to point out to anyone else who says "That's the gay rainbow, you know" that rainbows meant different things before Gay Pride and they'll mean different things after. Symbols are like that. Flighty little scamps.

So where to start! Since moving to Cardiff I have finished and sent off a Very Important Essay, been kicked out of a pub, had multiple creative splurges, and been voted honorary mayoress of Wales. Three of the above are true.

It's amazing how conducive my new room is to creativity. It has a skylight, which allows inspiration falling from the sky to seep into my brain as I sleep. That's the current theory anyway.
In the space of two days, I modified a white waistcoat, decorated a strappy top with flowers, fixed my black trousers (the ones I've been holding together with a badge for about three years), started a scrapbook, made two (very professional-looking) cards, and decorated my nails in pointless but wonderful ways! Photos are, of course, forthcoming - I'll let you know when they're up.

I heard on the radio today, in a text-in segment about what Zippy is, that he is in fact a Zippy; part of an entirely separate species from the planet Tickle. (So he is a RAMBUNCTION?!) Zippy still terrifies me. By 'still' I don't mean 'since childhood', you understand. I mean 'since a year and a bit ago, when I was introduced to the concept of Scary Zippy who cuts peoples toes off with pliers. One... by... one.'

I'm currently penniless and destitute due to accidentally paying my rent twice - bravo, me! - and it's taking weeks to sort out. I'm living off the scraps people throw to pigeons. It's not as fun as it sounds; there's something about the sight of a grown woman diving after soggy chip-ends in the street that makes people clutch their children and hurry past.

My recommended track right now is Wheels by Cake. After discovering this song on YouTube I found a few more by Cake, and ended up buying two of their albums from HMV. (This was before the aforementioned Rent Crisis and therefore is mild fritterage rather than extreme.)


And with that, I think I'll leave you. Please let me know what you think of the new look - do you love it? Hate it? Does it threaten your masculinity? - and, as ever, thank you for reading.

Absence

I haven't forgotten you, beloved readership! I've moved into my new house and there's no internet. As soon as there is, rest assured, I'm going to update you on everything that's been happening!

Meme-time!

Nabbed from Girl with a one-track mind.

1. My uncle once: got told he had about 6 months to live. That was a month ago.

2. Never in my life: have I kissed a girl.

3. When I was five: I started having flying dreams.

4. High school was: odd. I didn't fit in. Does anybody?

5. I will never forget: the opening lines of Romeo and Juliet. Memorised for an audition.

6. Once I met: a blind lady on a train. She's a spy for the blind, and goes around with her dog to report how she gets treated. Her name is Rose.

7. There’s this boy I know: who's travelled all around the world, seen amazing things, writes amazing songs, and is still kind of a tool.

8. Once, at a bar: a lady criticised me for half an hour. And I listened.

9. By noon, I’m usually: still asleep.

10. Last night: I drank milkshake on the beach with my siblings.

11. If only I had: a kitty.

12. Next time I go to church: I'll probably cry, again.

13. What worries me most: is that I'm not the same person I used to be.

14. When I turn my head left I see: heaps of junk (ah, home again...)

15. When I turn my head right I see: more heaps of junk (sigh)

16. You know I’m lying when: I'm looking down, talking quietly, and fidgeting. I can't lie well.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: my ghostbusters spacehopper!

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: hah, I was Helena for years. Now I'm her, post-ending.

19. By this time next year: I want friends my own age in Cardiff.

20. A better name for me would be: She-who-likes-chocolate-and-cuddles.

21. I have a hard time understanding: imaginary numbers, the rules of cricket, reality TV... countless other things.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: understand people better, and maybe not feel so left out.

23. You know I like you if: I choose to spend time with you. Simple!

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: Gavin.

25. Take my advice, never: go to school with your trousers inside-out. Trust me.

26. My ideal breakfast is: cream cheese and salmon bagels. Or cheese / bacon / lettuce sandwiches!

27. A song I love but do not have is: Wheels, by Cake. Just discovered thm, I wanna buy some serious albumage.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: explore the cemetary, walk by the sea, sit under a tree in the park and wait for a red squirrel.

29. Why won’t people: be nice just for the sake of being nice?

30. If you spend a night at my house: let's eat ice-cream and watch girly movies. I never get to do that any more!

31. I’d stop my wedding for: I wouldn't be the one to stop it.

32. The world could do without: velcro, but who wants to live in that world?

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: have a one-night stand.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: Stephen, my honorary big brother.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: a glass hammer. When did you last use a paperclip?

36. If I do anything well it’s: writing poetry.

37. I can’t help but: see the best in everyone.

38. I usually cry: Full stop. Haha no, I've been bad lately, but: I usually cry when I haven't been socialising enough.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: it takes the power out of a bully's insults when you can see why they're afraid of you.

40. And by the way: I want to have more adventures.

I was locked up for a year

A few days before my 21st birthday, I went missing. I was in a large room with about 5 other people. When the smell got too bad, or we just needed space, we'd go to different corners of the room. The man who put us there didn't want us escaping each other, so he put another half dozen or so people in.

A year later - although I kept saying it had been a day or a hundred years - we got out, I don't know how. I went back to my family on the 12th October 2009. They cried. I called my boyfriend and couldn't get through, and his message was different, and I was ready to cry, I missed him so much! But then I realised that what I had assumed was an extra bit of his phone message meant only for me in case I came back ("Loves Bear. Loves diddums.") was actually him - right behind me...

He told me that his job was going very well and that he was pretty much THE expert for (insert some techy thing here).

My family, Gavin and I went to this big new building to see my cousins and a bunch of other people from my church. They were all amazed and happy to see me. I was overjoyed to see everyone, I'd missed them SO much!

The strangest part was that... you know that mental check you can do? And then you go "oh, it's just a dream actually, I'm ok"? Well that came up negative several times. It was real when it was happening.

When I woke up I wasn't even sure what year it was. I went downstairs and turned the TV on to check that it's 2008. (It is.)

Steampunk

If you don't know about Steampunk already, you will do by the end of this post.

I discovered the concept through Girl Genius, a beautiful plot-driven webcomic that I thoroughly recommend. The best description of that I've found is this:

Steampunk is Victorian elegance and modern technology: steam-driven robots, souped-up stagecoaches, and space-faring dirigibles fueled by gaslight romance, mad scientists, and oh-so-trim waistcoats. It’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Wizard of Oz, and The Golden Compass. Replete with whimsical mechanical wonders and bold adventurers...

Because I love you too much to subject you to many thousands of words, here instead are many pictures that hopefully explain why I'm so fascinated with it.






Basically, it's brass, it's cogs, it's battered and beautiful.

and that's why I puked on the vicar.

I can't believe how beautiful the weather's been lately! I was worried that it would be another washout, but instead I've been staggering about getting sunstroke and falling over. Not literally.

I spent the weekend at my vicar friend, TyTe's, house; which was absolutely lovely! He barbequed some shark for me and Gav out in the garden, and it was delicious. Absolutely amazing. I drank a few glasses of rosé, and then... well, I got rather drunk.

I've never been drunk before. It was very peculiar. There's a moment, when you're on a swing, when your stomach swoops and tingles. On a swing, it's amazing. Sitting on a chair, screwing your eyes closed and hoping it'll stop, it's not so fun. Seriously, why do people do this?!

Still, I'm glad that the first (and hopefully last) time I got drunk, I was in a safe environment with people I trust. I'm less glad that I threw up on the patio.

... in the downstairs toilet, Gav holding back my hair...

... in a plastic bucket in the morning...

... in the bathroom sink...

... in the upstairs toilet...

I didn't have the traditional hangover symptoms, just horrible, constant queasiness and throwing up. From 9pm on Saturday to about 3pm on the Sunday, I didn't feel safe. Thank GOD I got better just before I had to get on the train...

Aside from that though, great weekend!

I'm home now, with my lovely lovely family, and causing my beloved undue stress because I'm not in perfect health (in a different way).

--- CAUTION: GIRL STUFF FOLLOWING ---

Every time I move or have a lot of stress, my periods go haywire. When I moved to Plymouth I was on more or less constantly, and now I'm a couple of weeks late. Trauma. I mean, I'm not hugely worried, but I will feel better when I'm all sorted out, so I went to the doctor's today.

--- GIRL STUFF OVER ---

Sorry I've been updating so rarely; life moves so fast... hopefully I'll be a little more regular now!

Black and Gold

If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now I'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now I'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

I looked up into the night sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
I see nothing but black

I feel a way of something beyond them
I don't see what I can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now I'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

Listen to the song here

This song must have washed over me a thousand times. This kind usually does, to be honest, but today the lyrics finally managed to get through my expectations and smack me between the eyes. This is a much more eloquent version of what I've been saying for the past couple of weeks.

Thanks, Gav, for putting up with all my crying and miscellaneous assholery. You're an angel.

Morning sounds

I wrote this at the beginning of June. It was while my blog was deleted, or I would have posted it sooner...

It's late at night. The seagulls are playing outside my window, screaming at each other. My housemate's fucking some girl. Doesn't matter who, it's not about her. If that man could fuck a mirror he'd do it. There's a cat wailing at the pre-dawn chorus, and the gentle hum of my laptop. There are sounds.

The wind picks up, or maybe it's a car far off; either way it gets me thinking about leaving. I'm counting down the days until that fresh sea breeze blows me out of this ruin, this dead city. Dead to me anyway.

Nobody emails you at a quarter past four in the morning.

I look past my curtain to an inky-purple sky. Strange, that. The moment I turn my light off, I know it will change to a muddy streetlight orange. How can the same sky be orange and purple at the same time? Somewhere else it's blue, somewhere else it's grey. At this moment, somebody somewhere is watching the sun set. Or rise. Or just lying on their back listening to the stars sing.

My shelves are empty. The floor is still a mess, I still have clothes everywhere, but my books are gone from sight until I unpack properly. That might not be for months. The birds are going crazy now, singing with all the breath in their fragile feathered chests. Can they really sing with such joy and passion every single morning? Do they ever sleep in?

I sleep in when I can. Long past noon. Even when I wake up I don't move from my bed for hours, not if I can help it. I can't help feeling that if I had a dawn chorus to be part of, there'd be a reason to get up early.

But here, in the pre-dawn gloom, I hear the hurried pad of feet; somebody wants to get home quickly. And why not run? Waddle, flap, skip as much as you want. Run slowly and awkwardly if that's how you run. Who's going to see you?

How can I go to sleep when there's so much happening! I'll regret it tomorrow when I face the disappointed voice of the one man I never want to disappoint, but for now as the sky pales I like to be aware and awake again. It doesn't happen often. That's why I'm not succumbing to sleep; not yet.

While you're here, I'd like to recommend Girl Genius, an utterly fantastic gaslight fantasy comic that I've been absorbed in for the past few days. Or if you just want a highly addictive flash game, try this one out for size. They'll both be going up on my "interesting thing of the day" link list to the left, so don't forget to check that out if you've got time to kill.

Falling apart

Yes, hello, sorry. I need help. Um. Badly.

As many of you know I've been a Christian my whole life, and it's a huge huge part of who I am. But for the past year or so I've been feeling hugely distant from God. I lived in Plymouth for a year and I didn't really know anyone; I spent a lot of time alone, didn't go to church regularly. I'm so much happier in Cardiff but the root problem hasn't gone away like I hoped it would...

The reason I'm asking for help now is that it's affecting me more and more. I cry every day (literally EVERY DAY), I just can't seem to get things together. I've been rubbish at just getting stuff DONE. There's loads of phone calls to make and emails to send and an essay to write and a flat that needs tidying and people to get back in touch with... and I don't feel able to do any of it. I feel like my support's been cut out from under me. God kept me going through all the hardest times in my life, so to have that gone leaves me with no coping mechanism. I could go all hard and cold and keep the pain out by building a wall around my heart but I don't want to, I really don't want to!

Even today I was on a bike ride and I got off and walked because I felt like I didn't deserve to have it easy. I decided I was pretty much the crappest person alive and that God could never love me, that nobody could ever love me. Then when we reached a main road I considered just not hitting the brakes and seeing if getting hit by a car would help.

Yeah, I told you I was in a pretty bad way...

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. Never have been. I just wondered if getting bashed up and waking up in hospital would make things better.

I've tried to tell people about how I'm feeling. My boyfriend has been an absolute pillar of strength, but it can't just be on him. I'm planning to go see TyTe as well; and I've emailed a Christian counselling service in the area, and I'll be going home soon...

Thanks for reading this far, if you did, and if you didn't you won't know that I'm calling you a smelly bumhole.