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Monday, 14 July 2008

Falling apart

Yes, hello, sorry. I need help. Um. Badly.

As many of you know I've been a Christian my whole life, and it's a huge huge part of who I am. But for the past year or so I've been feeling hugely distant from God. I lived in Plymouth for a year and I didn't really know anyone; I spent a lot of time alone, didn't go to church regularly. I'm so much happier in Cardiff but the root problem hasn't gone away like I hoped it would...

The reason I'm asking for help now is that it's affecting me more and more. I cry every day (literally EVERY DAY), I just can't seem to get things together. I've been rubbish at just getting stuff DONE. There's loads of phone calls to make and emails to send and an essay to write and a flat that needs tidying and people to get back in touch with... and I don't feel able to do any of it. I feel like my support's been cut out from under me. God kept me going through all the hardest times in my life, so to have that gone leaves me with no coping mechanism. I could go all hard and cold and keep the pain out by building a wall around my heart but I don't want to, I really don't want to!

Even today I was on a bike ride and I got off and walked because I felt like I didn't deserve to have it easy. I decided I was pretty much the crappest person alive and that God could never love me, that nobody could ever love me. Then when we reached a main road I considered just not hitting the brakes and seeing if getting hit by a car would help.

Yeah, I told you I was in a pretty bad way...

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. Never have been. I just wondered if getting bashed up and waking up in hospital would make things better.

I've tried to tell people about how I'm feeling. My boyfriend has been an absolute pillar of strength, but it can't just be on him. I'm planning to go see TyTe as well; and I've emailed a Christian counselling service in the area, and I'll be going home soon...

Thanks for reading this far, if you did, and if you didn't you won't know that I'm calling you a smelly bumhole.


  1. I love you too. Miss you, sis, I hafta call you soon. <3

  2. Anna, I'll say to you in public some of the things I've said to you in private

    You are loved, special and unique. You're created in God's image, there's something of Him in you. By His spirit, who lives in you, He granted you the ability to reach out to Him.

    Reach out, my love. Stretch your arms, legs, toes and possibly tentacles until you touch base with Him.

    Sometimes we need to pursue, but He says "never will I leave you, never will I forsake you". He "catches and bottles your tears". "Nothing can separate you from His love". "No-one can snatch you from His hand". "If one falls, his friend helps him up"; many of us are here for you. "How wide, how deep is His love". "We have a high priest who is not unsympathetic to our failings, who has been tempted in every way". "If we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us". And "even if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows all things". His spirit is the "comforter", the person of God, the nature of Christ, dwelling within the believer. There is "no condemnation for those in Him". He "did not leave us abandoned like orphans". He is gracious and merciful. "Many are His thoughts towards you".

    Sometimes we feel remote. Sometimes we feel like Job, like David, like Solomon. Sometimes, we argue, like Paul and Apollos (or whoever it was that was disagreeing in Acts). Sometimes we're like Noah and people think we're crazy. Sometimes we're like Peter and we get it wrong, denying Him in our lives or words. Sometimes we're like Gideon, hiding from Him. Sometimes we're like Jonah, running from Him.

    ALWAYS He's like Jesus, teaching us, challenging us, showing us ourselves, showing us Himself, and above all, LOVING us.

    Our feelings, our thoughts, they can be twisted, can be deceived. The Bible speaks of an accuser, whispering in our ears, seeking to devour us. It also tells us of a loving God who is far, far greater than any nasty little snitch could ever be.

    I'll stand with you. You're not alone. I cannot solve your problems, but I can encourage you, pray for and with you, love you and support you.

    I love you.

    - Gav

  3. You're in a dark place, but it happens and you're doing everything right. Telling people, getting help (though I know not of this TyTe of which you speak). Everything Gav said: hold on to what is true, dismiss what is false with the contempt it deserves. God bless ya.

  4. *hugs* :( im sure you will work something out... you've got to!! its not nice having to live like that.

    you know me... Atheist all the way but i hope you find whatever you have lost... it pains me to say (can't you tell :P dodging saying it) but i hope you find god again (or he finds you or what have you)... never thought i'd say that :P

    I care about you as a friend and if thats what helps you get though then by all means i hope it works out for you.


    and whatever happens... don't forget to smile ^_^ they make the world go around.

  5. Hi! Just dropped in from twitter. @esvdaily said today, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

    God is good. God is full of grace and mercy and loving-kindness.

    "Come to Me all who are weary and heavily burdened... Lean on me..."

    God answers the desperate.

  6. Thanks so much, sunshine. I've subscribed to esvdaily.

    x x x


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