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Thursday, 9 December 2010

Nick Helm - He makes you look fat

Right, my oft-mentioned comedy addiction has led me, once again, to find an incredibly talented performer. Nick Helm, while initially a little abrasive (he's the shouty type), is very funny and musically great! This is the song that won me over to him, from his performance on Russell Howard's Good News:

So, me being me, I decided to try and play it on my ukulele. Turns out, it's a pretty simple song! Lyrics and chords below, because I couldn't find them anywhere else. Chords the same throughout.

I’ve seen your new boyfriend, he’s really good-looking
If he was a rent boy I’d probably book him
Not that I’m really into that stuff
I’m just saying, your boyfriend’s incredibly buff.

He’s got a really nice face, and really nice hair,
He’s really polite and he’s really aware
He’s got really nice teeth and a really nice tan
And he’s really relaxed when the shit hits the fan.

But he makes you look fat
He makes you look ugly like a man
He makes you look old just like his nan
Yeah he makes you look fat

He makes you look fat
He makes you look lardy round the arse
Don’t you know that he’s in a different class
Yeah he makes you look fat.

You two together, what’s wrong with this picture?
You need a man whose waistline will eclipse ya
You need a man who’s a little more shoddy
A gap in his teeth, and an imperfect body.

It’s nothing you’ve done, you just shot far too high
You get ignored while they give him the eye
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you’re fat,
It’s just anyone would look fat when they’re sat next to that.

He makes you look fat,
He makes you look ugly in the face
Don’t you know that you’re looking out of place?
Yeah he makes you look fat.

He makes you look fat
He makes you look fat, oh yes indeed
Don’t you know that he’s well out of your league?
He makes you look fat.

I’ve got a solution, you might like to try it
You won’t have to jog and you won’t have to diet
I’m sure you will see, to a certain degree,
How good-looking you’d be if you stood next to me.

I can make you look fit
I can make you look much fitter than him
Take a look at my saggy double chin
I can make you look fit.

I can make you look fit
I can make you look fit oh yes I can
Don’t you know that I am your ideal man?
I can make you look fit, fit, fit!
(Copyright Nick Helm, of course.)


  1. 'Like'
    Great stuff.

    I've become skilled at finding things funny without moving my face! The Wisdom Teeth came out yesterday!
    Hurts less than I thought it would, considering the hilarious (terrifying?) things you see as they wrench and twist and grunt. They didn't use a crowbar, but...
    I've managed to keep my mouth immobile while watching funny things, and any time I want to laugh I clap frantically to compensate. I'm kind of like a ManSeal, though I can't yet eat fish unless as a paste...
    I clapped a lot.
    I'm off to try to balance a sardine on my nose.

  2. Thank you so much for this! So much fun to play. Do you know what the chords are for his "I fancy the pants off you"?

    Really awesome post, many many thanks.



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