Winter daze

Work has been objectively stressful lately, but I don't think that's entirely why I'm struggling. All my copes are gone, you know the feeling. SAD or summat.

This is good, that I'm doing this. It's been a long time. I've been at least 3 entirely different people since I started writing this blog. School Anna and girlfriend Anna and whatever the heck I am now.

Howard, thanks so much for your comment, I definitely want to catch up soon! I keep meaning to carve time out of my reluctant schedule to do so. It's difficult, but not impossible - think obsidian rather than bedrock!

What would be nice, in the middle of winter, is if you could open a door into summer. Sometimes that's all I need, just an hour or so of summer that  can walk into. Someone else's summer. One where there's grass.

“And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you suppose you'd be?”

I'd like to tell you that a lot has changed since I last posted, but in truth, things are much the same. I sympathise very much with Alice:

"Well, in our country," said Alice, still panting a little, "you'd generally get to somewhere else—if you run very fast for a long time, as we've been doing."
"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"

I've been running in place for quite a while now, and I'm not sure how to achieve escape velocity.

I told myself, a couple of years ago, that I would find the Thing I'm meant to b doing when I was 27. That I'd work out what I can contribute to the world, and what would make me happy, before a completely arbitrary date: New Year's Day 2015. That, if I didn't have some kind of revelation before then, I'd do something drastic to change my circumstances.

Drastic change can be very good, very healthy. The frame of mind I've been in lately, I have not been thinking of good change. I can't put it into words well, but if I can't find some way to be happy soon, my 'drastic change' might be to give up, I don't want that.

It's hard sometimes to believe that I can get on the right path, but I hear that, with practice, one can believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast.