Presenting my findings: the dream journal

When I moved house a few months ago, walking out on a flooded basement and an angry landlord, I started keeping a dream journal. I've written and tagged 53 entries now, and while that isn't much, I've learned something interesting: my subconscious is a strange and twisty place. Some things are frankly baffling (why couldn't I remember if that millipede was my sister?), while other themes seem to be marked in flashing neon lights. "PAY ATTENTION TO THIS, IT IS IMPORTANT!"

Some of the recurring themes aren't that surprising, considering. The dreams where I have someone to cuddle up to; the dreams where I explore unfamiliar rooms with secret doors. The ones about packing (moving, unpacking, realising I've left things behind) in particular: they're reflections of my literal circumstances, as I've had to move my belongings into and out of storage on three separate occasions for reasons too tedious to list here. Those I get.

What I didn't expect, however, was the water. Water is everywhere in my dreams; flooding from the taps in a church's bathroom, filling my mouth, crashing in a big tsunami wave over an entire civilisation. I've stood in a rising tide, sailed a ship over a waterfall, and pissed off a river goddess. One in five dreams of mine features water in a big way.

Another one that took me by surprise is that - look, I'll apologise in advance, because it's going to make me sound excessively egotistical, but - I rescue people. I've led my friends down to a bomb shelter during an air raid; I've swatted bats away with a big stick while we fled a haunted house; I've even tried to get plasticine monsters out of a factory without them being seen (or mangled by machinery).

I don't know why this is. I've mentally linked it to my brief stint as a youth leader, but it's fun to think of what it might be preparing me for. Not that dreams foretell the future, I don't believe that; but perhaps by thinking of myself as 'someone who leads others out of danger' I'm making it more likely that I'll have the balls to do it for real if the time ever comes.

There's not many nightmares, as a whole. There's the occasional nightmarish side-quest, though. For example, I did recently took a brief detour from a fairly standard dream about my ex and secret rooms to face down these guys:

So, ya know, THAT was horrendous. Did you know that, if you blink, they can come through sheet glass without breaking it? Well, in my dream, they can.

I don't know what these dreams tell you about me (aside from more than you ever wanted to know), but I'm going to keep writing them down for now. I wonder what else I'll learn.

P.S. One dream I logged goes as follows:

Was in a room with about 5 other people. Dylan Moran was going through some material, and had wandered into really personal stuff. Hard to tell if it was still part of the routine or not; he seemed really sad. "You know I'm starting to realise my dad wasn't a very nice person. You know something's wrong when you have to explain to vampires how awful your dad is."

I've never seen Dylan Moran live, but I want to tell him everything's going to be ok.

P.P.S. Oh, I did see Ross Noble live the other day though! You know how I got turned into a fairy over the summer? (Oh man I just realised I never told you about that. I'll write about it soon.) Well I found these on the way to the gig, and took it as a sign...

Tense

I am extremely stressed today. I don't usually get angry, but a combination of factors have led to me being ready to snap at someone. I don't want to get snappy, I want to be happy and relaxed. That would be nice.

I've lit candles, I'm burning incense, and the living room is atmospherically lit. I put some reggae on and tried to work out why I'm in such an awful mood.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about those vague, non-specific but utterly soul-crushing moments of gloom and despondency that seem to come out of nowhere. I talked about how you try to work out when it started, and usually it's one sentence or one look or one event that sets you on a negative path and your mood just gets worse from there. That's what happened today.

I've been having a lot of dreams all focussed around the same theme lately (I won't go into specifics, but suffice it to say that it's broadly superego vs. id). This morning's dream consisted of someone I like berating me for my behaviour; clearly a guilt dream, and one that had me feeling like the Worst Person (tm) for my first few waking moments. This is probably why I'm feeling all cross. Great! So, I understand it... but it still isn't going away.

This is worse than I thought. Send kitties.

Nightmares

I have very vague memories of a night, must have been a year or so ago; details of the nightmare are lost in the time that has passed since. I only remember that I couldn't scream. I was terrified, and I needed help, but I couldn't scream.

Eventually I managed a squeak; a small sound of distress, all I was capable of at the time; and he was there. We so rarely spent the night together, but he was there that night. He comforted me, and told me everything was going to be ok. A tiny noise, heard and recognised by the only person who could save me from whatever terrors I was facing.

It could be that this never actually happened. Am I remembering his nightmares as my own? I know I woke him from bad dreams once. Did I concoct it in last night's half-sleeping daze? An invented fiction that brought tears to my eyes, because part of me believes I need to feel guilty? A dream of a memory, brought on by watching Ink and sleeping in an unfamiliar place? I'm not sure. But regardless of the facts, of the history, the truth remains this:

I miss him. And I'm still not used to this new kind of aloneness.

Recent dreams

Some people keep a regular record of their dreams, and good on them for doing so, but a recent conversation with a friend has inspired me to try a little dream analysis.

Dream one.

In the first, I was wandering around a school / office type building, trying to get Marmalade (the ginger cat that, until recently, lived with us). I met somebody who was doing a diabolical bad-guy speech into the PA system. They were definitely evil, because they pinned down a butterfly - a big, beautiful, bright, multicoloured one - and killed it. Then somebody (me? Not from my perspective, though) split their head in half with an axe. This was not even vaguely concerning to me; as I said, they pinned down a butterfly, so... they deserved it (dream logic. I do not advocate death for butterfly killers).

Friend's interpretation of this: The butterfly represents some kind of potential within myself; something that's being stifled by an outside force.

My interpretation: Not sure the force is external. Tempted to conclude that the butterfly, the maniac and the axe wielder are all aspects of myself. If anyone's inhibiting me, it's me! Nice to think that my subconscious thinks that I have the means within myself to overcome this, though. But was the axe part a liberation? Felt more like an act of vengeance for something that's been lost.

Dream two.

A group of bad people did something bad to the giant, ugly, terrifying rabbits. Therefore, I was utterly in support of the rabbits getting revenge, and they did. However, my perspective switched and now I WAS one of the people getting drooled on by these monstrous lagomorphs. We ran, but the drool made me slip back. We ran away again, as fast as my little legs could go, terrified and not looking behind me. A man, holding a kid's hand, strolled out ahead of me, so I grabbed him to try and give me a speed boost.

My interpretation: never read this article again.

Secret places

I had a pretty good childhood. My family got on okay, and I lived on an island with fields and beaches and forests... life treated me well. But there was something missing from my youth, something that I've always longed for - I knew, as so many children do, that there are supposed to be secret rooms.

I'm sure you know what I mean. We've all read the books, haven't we? The ones where a tapestry conceals a hallway, or moss hides a door. Narnia's wardrobe, Harry Potter's platform 9¾... fiction is littered with secret doorways to unusual places.

It even happens in real life - there's Anne Frank's bookshelf; Queen Victoria's wardrobe in Osbourne House that leads into other rooms. I remember going into her room on a school trip as a child and being amazed that the Queen of England would employ such subterfuge. If I was queen, I would do the same.

Why have I never had a secret room?!

It's what I longed for when I shared my room with two other sisters, and it's still the most common dream I have. I dream of being somewhere familiar - my home, my church, my school - and finding unexpected passages, or a gap in a fence, or a big wall hanging beyond which lies a secret space that nobody knows about but me. I can't count the number of times I've had this dream. It used to be flying, but now I dream - sometimes as often as five times a week - of these secret places.

Perhaps that explains my love of exploring.

It certainly explains my love of Ben "Yatzhee" Croshaw's games; I've only played one so far, but secret rooms feature heavily. OH MY GOSH SEAMLESS LINK! Maybe some of you have seen his amazing game reviews (I don't care about gaming, but watch his reviews obsessively), but I want to recommend his own games. They're honest-to-goodness, point-and-click, pixel-art masterpieces. You can find them linked at the top of his site. (Where it says The Best Stuff.) The links will go, as ever, on the left.

Also, just for fun, I made a picture of myself in the style of Jeph Jacques (artist and author of the epic Questionable Content). What do you think?

Ten things

For some reason I've found it difficult to write about anything lately. I haven't seen any new films lately, or I'd attempt a lacklustre review, possibly with a few mediocre puns thrown in for good measure.

So anyway, as I said, not much in the way of inspiration happening here. I suppose this is a filler post. For my regular readers, here are ten unrelated things about me that you may not know. To those who don't know me, who are new readers, perhaps, here is my proof that I'm not just another cardboard cut-out person who sits on the bus with you.

1. The place I dream about most often is my home church. I've had flying dreams, naked dreams, exploring dreams, even a sexy dream once, located there. I think I probably dream about it roughly once a week.


2. My parents sent me a bear for my birthday. He arrived today and has a hot water bottle inside him, and I've named him Bode. I think the journey must have been stressful as he's shedding a fair bit - I never want to travel by envelope!
   


3. Back when I used to get insomnia as a kid, I'd try sleeping the other way round, on the floor, in my wardrobe, on top of my wardrobe, in the hall... anywhere. It never worked.
   


4. I want to redecorate this site to something a little less fey, but I've absolutely no idea where to get the layout. I got this one by butchering some code from one of those "OMGLOL pretty up your myspace, lyk totally hot!!!1" sites.


5. I have maybe sort of cyberstalked before. A bit. But it was all public information. But I'm still sorry. Although I would probably do it again. Well then people should stop being so damn INTERESTING then shouldn't they! Still, we're going out now so I suppose I must have done something right! Hahahaah!! I'm not crazy!!! Hahahaah!!!!


6. I used to get very homesick for places I'd never been. Heaven, Ankh-Morpork, a willow tree by a river. I don't any more. Any great thinker, writer, or comedian will tell you that as soon as you're happy with your life, something in your imagination goes dormant.


7. The first pet my family ever owned died right underneath my feet. He was a cat called Chloë and I loved him very much. He purred for the first person to get up every day, so our parents had to ban us from getting up before 6.


8. For years I thought someone I knew was skiving off school. He had six months off at one point just because every weekday morning he'd wake up with an indefinable headache that would disappear sometime after lunch. When he was diagnosed with depression I felt like utter shit, especially since part of me still didn't understand.


9. My greatest fear is that I will cease to be interesting or likeable, and everyone I know will desert me, and I'll be incapable of making any new friends. Every day I wonder if this has already started happening.


10. I could be an amazing poet. I know I could. Maybe I will be one day.

I'm not going to say it's a meme, but if any of you decide you'd like to write ten unrelated facts about yourself (and let's face it who doesn't love a bit of a vanity-wallow once in a while), drop me a comment or an email with a link - I'd love to read them.

I was locked up for a year

A few days before my 21st birthday, I went missing. I was in a large room with about 5 other people. When the smell got too bad, or we just needed space, we'd go to different corners of the room. The man who put us there didn't want us escaping each other, so he put another half dozen or so people in.

A year later - although I kept saying it had been a day or a hundred years - we got out, I don't know how. I went back to my family on the 12th October 2009. They cried. I called my boyfriend and couldn't get through, and his message was different, and I was ready to cry, I missed him so much! But then I realised that what I had assumed was an extra bit of his phone message meant only for me in case I came back ("Loves Bear. Loves diddums.") was actually him - right behind me...

He told me that his job was going very well and that he was pretty much THE expert for (insert some techy thing here).

My family, Gavin and I went to this big new building to see my cousins and a bunch of other people from my church. They were all amazed and happy to see me. I was overjoyed to see everyone, I'd missed them SO much!

The strangest part was that... you know that mental check you can do? And then you go "oh, it's just a dream actually, I'm ok"? Well that came up negative several times. It was real when it was happening.

When I woke up I wasn't even sure what year it was. I went downstairs and turned the TV on to check that it's 2008. (It is.)

Work, play, toys, tales, pity and pictures

Well well well. Where to start.

I've got a job. Just for a month, some simple office work, but it will be my First Proper Job. I'm not too nervous, actually; I've got a kind of "just do it" attitude that probably means I owe Nike royalties. In honour of doing this remarkably grownup thing, I've been making the necessary phone calls and running errands and finding paperwork and all sorts of impressively organised things. Mostly without hardly being threatened at all.

A friend of mine has bought a wii. This is, naturally, the perfect excuse to all go round his house and play that strangely addictive sports that involves odd limbless people that look almost, but not quite, entirely unlike you. I'd like it to be known that I absolutely kicked ass until we started playing a proper game.

I miss the days when I used to rule the world at DOA3. Out of sheer sudden cravings for that game, I started playing on Gav's Soul Calibre 2. Methadone.

I had a very detailed dream last night. The best way to remember dreams is to repeat them to yourself out loud in the morning. I thought it all through in detail, figuring that's more or less the same, and it hasn't worked. Booooo.

Gav had his hair straightened, and it made him very happy. He looks really good too, so we've bought some straighteners to share. Hooray!

Gah - remember my crushingly embarrassing bikini story? I had the opportunity to tell a rather lovely person the whole thing, and our mutual friend told me that she'd read my blog post on the matter at work on a rubbish day and that it cheered her up. I mostly write this blog for me, but that kind of comment truly brightens up my day.

Also, my toe hurts. I tripped over the carpet last night. I hopped about for a bit looking pathetic before remembering that there was nobody here to feel sorry for me. That's why I'm telling you; I figure I'm karmically owed sympathy!

Some of you know about the cartoons that I made. Well my creative splurges now extend to graphics tablet doodles. Let me know what you think!

So, in summary, life is good and moving forward, and my addiction to Boots meal deals continues unabated.

How I scared an old couple

Interesting thing of the day: Banksy. So true, so artistic, and so difficult to catch ;) You won't have seen this piece before, so check it out.

I had a bizarre dream last night. Gav and I were around at a friend's house - a middle-aged married couple, nice people. We were there to scare them. Half the time I was polite and friendly, but the other half I looked like this.



It was just a bag that I kept putting on my head, and then I'd wander up to the poor dears whose house we were in and go "wooooo." Or possibly it was "blaaaargh." Either way, I was quite unconvinced by it all, but they seemed suitably afraid, so we ran outside.

I was picked up by my family, and we got out of there, safe in the knowledge of a scaring well done.

Still not the strangest dream I've ever had!

Life continues

I saw some reverse graffiti for the first time yesterday! I wrote about it a while ago.


I still think it's way cool.

Been an ok few days; Gavin is home safe from his adventures, thank goodness, so I'm not a widow or owt! I've been chasing through my university transfer, and I've got an interview at UWIC on Friday the 7th which is super-convenient because I was gonna be in Cardiff that weekend anyway. (Hopefully we're gonna go to the Bristol Beatbox championship heats!) I've promised myself a bottle of Baileys when I'm certain that I'm transferring.

Last night I dreamed of my family for the third night in a row. My dream recall really has improved lately!

Don't forget it's Mother's Day this Sunday. A favour from me to you.

Interesting thing of the day: GreenMetropolis. Heaven for the bookish types among us!

Dreams

I am now a contributor to "A Dreamer's Dream Diary", and I've just written this post about all my mad dreams last night. please tell me what on earth they mean!

Today's been interesting, I was woken by a phone call from my boy saying that he was going hill-walking / climbing in Scotland for five days, so he might be incommunicado for that long. I'm so proud of him!

Then at 11 I went into university to see for myself if I had a lecture on today. Yes, I could have checked without getting out of bed, but I'd quite like to not get too lazy to move. I wandered around taking multiple photos of stickers (there are SO MANY stickers in Plymouth!), met up with Luke (fellow dream blogger), and came home.

Me too!

In response to Ben's I Had a Dream post, I thought I'd ask for analysis on my own. I've been remembering them more lately so it seem worth asking for insights into my psyche!

I was in a small car with members of my family, some family friends, and my boy. Someone was holding a baby. The baby was Josie, my cousin, but tinier and younger-looking . It was all good fun, if very cramped, (my family recently downsized from the Fruenmobile, a blue 9-seater van, to a regular car) and we started singing a song we all knew from church - although I can't remember which one now. Richard, the family friend, got a bit carried away and started clapping right by Josie's head, and she was crying like crazy.

I took the baby, who was wrapped in a soft white blanket, and started rocking and bouncing her a bit, and despite everyone's skepticism about the effectiveness of this method, she quietened down almost immediately. I didn't have a clue what my boy thought of it, I remember hoping he didn't think I was broody. That was certainly realistic!

Freud thinks I want a baby as a penis substitute. Freud is an idiot. What do you intelligent and wonderful people think?

Various stuff and things!

Mouse #5 is a fast little blighter. Dark brown fur, and apparently uninterested in the food on the traps. I'm thinking of investing in a) an anvil or b) some black paint; (fake mouseholes of course! It'll run into the wall and concuss itself!) but I can't work out if the ACME website do deliveries.

There's been actual genuine sunshine today! I ventured, bleary-eyed, into the big wide world in less than a jumper for the first time in what feels like forever. I bought ice-lollies for all my housemates to celebrate the occasion.

"Some women wear foundation... other wear a sensation!" Adverts SUCK. I mean seriously. I dreamed a better advert last night. It involves an incredibly long twisty straw, and two colours of slushy liquid, carefully alternated to spell the company name when it's all been sucked through the contraption. Genius.

And, to complete the quartet of things that very few people are interested in, I'm currently watching Forrest Gump. Yay!