Silver linings

Today has been... not great.

It started off badly because I dreamed of my ex with his new lady, which I readily confess is my fault for rereading old emails yesterday. He was describing what he imagined our daughter would look like. I know, why not just stab myself in the face, right? It's like I have no comprehension of consequences.

Then I read Kim Rhodes' most recent blog entry. Let me tell you, I love this lady, and not just for being in Supernatural - she's funny, charming, ludicrously down-to-earth and does not deserve even half the shit that's been thrown her way. I haven't commented on this post. I really am at a loss for words. None of the standard platitudes really seem to apply in this case, but on the off-chance that she ever sees this: Kim, you're an inspiration; write whatever you need to and I'll be reading.

Since then it's been a blur of packing for storage, getting threatening letters and bemusing visits from our landlord. Did I tell you our basement flooded? Probably not, it happened just after the rant about the door went up.

Luckily I've got dozens of little silver linings in my friends, without whom I really would have thrown in the towel by now.

They cheer me up, look out for me, offer me places to stay. They make cups of tea and offer words of wisdom on twitter. They link me to footage of lizards and websites about cats to cheer me up. I also found this gorgeous playlist (Spotify link) by an old friend that has been slowing my heartrate down a little.

So to all my silver linings (and, if you're reading this, chances are you're one): Thank you. I love you.

To my older self

When you are older, Anna, and working hard, and you look back on your university days with wistful nostalgia, I want you to remember how you felt now. Remember that the world caved in on you and you almost caved with it. Remember the feeling that any way out is better than writing another essay. It's not true objectively, it's just a temporary stress-based madness...

If you really do start to miss the drunken sundays and days off and creative coursemates, remember that it came with chaos, wasted weeks and deadlines that cracked your head.

Rose-tinted glasses won't suit you anyway.

Tense

I am extremely stressed today. I don't usually get angry, but a combination of factors have led to me being ready to snap at someone. I don't want to get snappy, I want to be happy and relaxed. That would be nice.

I've lit candles, I'm burning incense, and the living room is atmospherically lit. I put some reggae on and tried to work out why I'm in such an awful mood.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about those vague, non-specific but utterly soul-crushing moments of gloom and despondency that seem to come out of nowhere. I talked about how you try to work out when it started, and usually it's one sentence or one look or one event that sets you on a negative path and your mood just gets worse from there. That's what happened today.

I've been having a lot of dreams all focussed around the same theme lately (I won't go into specifics, but suffice it to say that it's broadly superego vs. id). This morning's dream consisted of someone I like berating me for my behaviour; clearly a guilt dream, and one that had me feeling like the Worst Person (tm) for my first few waking moments. This is probably why I'm feeling all cross. Great! So, I understand it... but it still isn't going away.

This is worse than I thought. Send kitties.

Don't worry, be crappy

You know what? Stop worrying, honestly.

The deciding moment in your life could be which sandwich you eat tomorrow, or how you styled your hair yesterday. You may never know. That's chaos theory - a butterfly flaps its wings, and...

There are too many factors in life! How can you identify any one thing as important enough to stress over?

We are not told how things could have been, we aren't even told how things are! We have to make it up, with no real idea of what the consequences will be. So whether you get the job, the girl, the flat, or not - how could you know if that's better or worse in the long run?

Maybe you'll live on the streets for a month and die a millionaire.
Maybe you'll get fantastic grades at school and lose a leg in a car accident.
Maybe one would never have happened without the other, maybe it would have happened anyway. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure.

So why worry? You'll muddle through somehow, you always do.

Today's Interesting Thing, in honour of my crappy poorlies, is a guide to illing, by the esteemed Anna from Little Red Boat.

and that's why I puked on the vicar.

I can't believe how beautiful the weather's been lately! I was worried that it would be another washout, but instead I've been staggering about getting sunstroke and falling over. Not literally.

I spent the weekend at my vicar friend, TyTe's, house; which was absolutely lovely! He barbequed some shark for me and Gav out in the garden, and it was delicious. Absolutely amazing. I drank a few glasses of rosé, and then... well, I got rather drunk.

I've never been drunk before. It was very peculiar. There's a moment, when you're on a swing, when your stomach swoops and tingles. On a swing, it's amazing. Sitting on a chair, screwing your eyes closed and hoping it'll stop, it's not so fun. Seriously, why do people do this?!

Still, I'm glad that the first (and hopefully last) time I got drunk, I was in a safe environment with people I trust. I'm less glad that I threw up on the patio.

... in the downstairs toilet, Gav holding back my hair...

... in a plastic bucket in the morning...

... in the bathroom sink...

... in the upstairs toilet...

I didn't have the traditional hangover symptoms, just horrible, constant queasiness and throwing up. From 9pm on Saturday to about 3pm on the Sunday, I didn't feel safe. Thank GOD I got better just before I had to get on the train...

Aside from that though, great weekend!

I'm home now, with my lovely lovely family, and causing my beloved undue stress because I'm not in perfect health (in a different way).

--- CAUTION: GIRL STUFF FOLLOWING ---

Every time I move or have a lot of stress, my periods go haywire. When I moved to Plymouth I was on more or less constantly, and now I'm a couple of weeks late. Trauma. I mean, I'm not hugely worried, but I will feel better when I'm all sorted out, so I went to the doctor's today.

--- GIRL STUFF OVER ---

Sorry I've been updating so rarely; life moves so fast... hopefully I'll be a little more regular now!

"DON'T PICK ME!!"

Interesting thing I heard today.

My coursemate's mum works as a psychiatric nurse. She once encountered a high-paid, driven, successful businesswoman who had been under a bit of pressure at work. I say a bit of pressure; she'd snapped and hidden under her desk screaming "DON'T PICK ME! DON'T PICK ME!" and freaking out whenever somebody tried to touch her to get her out.

Turned out she thought she was a strawberry.

I shouldn't laugh.

Blaaaaaaaaargh.

I don't really know what to write. I haven't written any decent poems lately for the same reason; it seems that there's too much going on in my mind and I'm a bit scared to get it all down on paper. Or on a screen.

I haven't been well lately. I'm feeling absolutely fine, but my body's been freaking out. Various people have said that it's probably stress-induced from moving to university and I think they're right - but I seem to be ok again now. Here's hoping, anyway. My family, God bless them, sent me a little box of chocolates as a feel-better-soon present.

I spent a good few hours today feeling like the world's most useless Christian because of a comment someone had made... it really hurt, really made me feel like crap. I know for a fact it wasn't intended because the person who said it is an absolute star; he called me up to talk today and had me laughing by the end of the conversation. My gosh. I really am an emotional wreck when things aren't going well with God.

I'm really looking forward to this Friday - I'm heading up to Cardiff for the weekend to see my boy. At LAST. It's been WEEKS, I've missed him so much!

Interesting thing of the day: If you've never seen this, SHAME ON YOU.
(By the way, I link to youtube videos instead of embedding them in my blog because I prefer it. Opinions? Preferences?)