Merry GISHWHES, one and all!

It's been a crazy ten days or so, running around performing nonsensical errands for GISHWHES. It's over, now; the deadline has passed, and it's time to start thinking about what we're going to do with the unusual side-effects of our quests.

What, for example, are we going to do with a golden plunger? Will I keep the monkey hat? Should we disassemble the kale chandelier, or just chuck it? Do you want some barely-used candyfloss?

We didn't even take it that far. Some dedicated team actually launched a Christmas tree aloft with only helium balloons, and made the news in a few places in the process!

GISHWHES 2011 pride

Anyway, as I've said, I'll share a few photos when we're given the all-clear.

The past few days have consisted of me being alternately grumpy and sad, interspersed with brief moments of Baileys.

Baileys makes everything better.

Please link me to something that'll cheer me up, I could really do with it.
Much love.

Taciturn, melancholy, doleful, blue

If you know me in person, I'm sorry for being a little bit out of sorts lately. It seems like, in the past few days, a switch has flipped inside my head and now I'm fed up of being alone again.

I won't try to claim that I hadn't been looking for anyone prior to that, but I was essentially okay with being single. I got my share of attention, and while it never led anywhere, it was nice to know that some people still found me attractive. But there have been moments - today especially - when I've heard a second- or even third-hand account of someone falling in love, and have been consumed with misery at the reminder that I'm not anyone's favourite person any more.

It doesn't help that, upon recovering the data I'd thought lost when my laptop died, I discovered old photos of holidays with my ex that I'd forgotten about. It sucks to ask myself when's the last time I looked that happy and (crucially:) relaxed. I still do feel happy, of course, but more often than not it's an oh-god-please-like-me kind of smiley, all bright and tense and desperate to be accepted. I watch myself doing this. Half of me is craving positive reinforcement, and the other half is convinced I don't deserve it.

This sounds awful, doesn't it. Self-indulgently emo, and with no good reason. But I'm willing to bet that you know what I mean, because we've all felt it, and for me this left-on-the-shelf feeling is back in a big way like I haven't felt it since I was nineteen.

Well, this is just tonight. Maybe in the morning, or in a day or a week, I'll have an entirely different outlook. I hope so.

THAT'S RIGHT LET'S ALL FEEL SAD FOR POOR LITTLE ME

Emo is a verb now

In a bit of an odd mood, if I'm honest. After a pretty awesome and sociable day, I seem to have plunged into the post-midnight blues. I was having fun with my friends, talking and eating and watching silly videos on youtube, when I realised that whatever it is I'm looking for wasn't in the room.

Once you've realised that, trying to be funny or score hugs off people seems a bit irrelevant, really; so instead I just emoed off home and now here I am.

By myself.

In my room.

Still not entirely sure what I was looking for in the first place.

Eventful day

Also, Gav's brother is engaged to his lady! Hooray!
Also, my uncle died of cancer either today or yesterday. I barely knew him.
Also, I played lots of wii mariokart tonight.
Also, one of my friends is a Lost geek like me!
Also, telling someone they're being oversensitive when they're angry is a FANTASTIC way of calming them down...

Repentance

You know what? Repentance hurts. My tears last night were tears of pure grief at the things I've done and the way I've been, and it was like wringing out my heart. I'm a sinner. An unpopular word, perhaps, but that's what I am and I realised that anew last night. I was sobbing the words I'm sorry, over and over, but words didn't do it justice. I was grieving the things I'd done to sully the Holy Spirit. Something so pure and beautiful that should lift me up to better things, and I've trodden it in the dirt time and time again.

Gavin told me he felt I should call my sister Judi, so I did, despite the fact that I assumed she'd be asleep. So I said no. Gav said "I really feel like you should call her." So I did; no answer. "Try again." I did, and she picked up, and she said all the right things... she hadn't been able to sleep so I hadn't woken her. She said the right things, encouraged me, and gave me good advice. I thank God for people in my life like Gavin and Judith who are, thank God, there when I need them.

And today... this appeared in ASBO Jesus:

I thought mine had, but last night my tears made it burn brighter.

Falling apart

Yes, hello, sorry. I need help. Um. Badly.

As many of you know I've been a Christian my whole life, and it's a huge huge part of who I am. But for the past year or so I've been feeling hugely distant from God. I lived in Plymouth for a year and I didn't really know anyone; I spent a lot of time alone, didn't go to church regularly. I'm so much happier in Cardiff but the root problem hasn't gone away like I hoped it would...

The reason I'm asking for help now is that it's affecting me more and more. I cry every day (literally EVERY DAY), I just can't seem to get things together. I've been rubbish at just getting stuff DONE. There's loads of phone calls to make and emails to send and an essay to write and a flat that needs tidying and people to get back in touch with... and I don't feel able to do any of it. I feel like my support's been cut out from under me. God kept me going through all the hardest times in my life, so to have that gone leaves me with no coping mechanism. I could go all hard and cold and keep the pain out by building a wall around my heart but I don't want to, I really don't want to!

Even today I was on a bike ride and I got off and walked because I felt like I didn't deserve to have it easy. I decided I was pretty much the crappest person alive and that God could never love me, that nobody could ever love me. Then when we reached a main road I considered just not hitting the brakes and seeing if getting hit by a car would help.

Yeah, I told you I was in a pretty bad way...

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. Never have been. I just wondered if getting bashed up and waking up in hospital would make things better.

I've tried to tell people about how I'm feeling. My boyfriend has been an absolute pillar of strength, but it can't just be on him. I'm planning to go see TyTe as well; and I've emailed a Christian counselling service in the area, and I'll be going home soon...

Thanks for reading this far, if you did, and if you didn't you won't know that I'm calling you a smelly bumhole.

Turning point

It's a long time since I've written a post like this. I think. Knowing my memory I could have written this word for word a month ago, but it doesn't feel like it.


I've been crying a lot lately. Like, a LOT a lot. You know that emotionally unstable girl who freaks out on her boyfriend over the tiniest thing, and he then has to placate her until she stops wailing? I have become that trainwreck. I NEVER wanted to be that girl. But there I was, walking blindly and silently in a random direction trying to suppress the tears once again while my poor beloved tried to understand what the hell was wrong this time.

Thing is, it's not hormones. I've been blaming it on hormones for about the past six months, which should be enough to clue me in, but it's taken me until now. It's taken me this long to remember that my general happiness is inextricably tied to my relationship with God.

We went to church this morning for the first time in a long while. It felt good. Both of us were very touched by the message, and I think it's time I once again confronted that scary-beautiful word 'repentance'. That was this morning. This afternoon was my most recent crying fit. After that, we found a green place by a river. There was a willow tree. We prayed together on a bench, and I sat on the grass and waited.

Sometimes you just need to wait.

He waited with me, holding my hand and looking directly into my eyes. He remarked afterwards how my eyes had changed, phasing through heartbreak, laughter and surprise in the space of a few moments. The truth is I was rediscovering something. Not all at once, because sometimes it takes time, but I was sat digging in the dirt and I felt like things weren't as awfully sad as they had been.

So, here's to Cardiff and new beginnings. Thank you all.

Working 9 to 5

... as the legendary Dolly Parton sang. Yes, the rumours are true, I finally have a job! Today was my first day, and it was pretty good! Stuffing envelopes, wrestling paper jams out of printers, standard temp stuff.

For some reason I was in a truly weird mood afterwards. All sad and quiet and wanting something-but-I-don't-know-what. If anybody has a theory I'd be delighted to hear it; all I knew was that I felt down and even cuddles couldn't fix it. Probably just hormones, giving me the old leaky-eye.

Ah well, same again tomorrow no doubt.

The Emo Song

This made me very happy indeed!



Enjoy, me loves.

"I'm so useless", a rant.

I don't try things properly because I'm scared of failing. I've tried to learn so many instruments over the years, but I give up before I can have the chance to fail or succeed. I've never really worked hard to become good at anything.

Hmm, let's see. Over the years, I've tried to learn:
Guitar
Glockenspiel
Ocarina
Harmonica
Penny whistle
Magic tricks
Juggling
Poi
Piano
Fire staff
Painting
Drawing
Writing
Beatboxing

And the only ones I've achieved anything vaguely resembling success in are drawing and writing.

I'm basically not willing to put in the practise. I'm put to shame by the people who've got years of experience with their instrument, people who've got a real passion and commitment to something.

I'm not feeling very passionate and committed to much at the moment. Blargh. You caught me mid emo-moment, I do apologise.