Turning point

It's a long time since I've written a post like this. I think. Knowing my memory I could have written this word for word a month ago, but it doesn't feel like it.


I've been crying a lot lately. Like, a LOT a lot. You know that emotionally unstable girl who freaks out on her boyfriend over the tiniest thing, and he then has to placate her until she stops wailing? I have become that trainwreck. I NEVER wanted to be that girl. But there I was, walking blindly and silently in a random direction trying to suppress the tears once again while my poor beloved tried to understand what the hell was wrong this time.

Thing is, it's not hormones. I've been blaming it on hormones for about the past six months, which should be enough to clue me in, but it's taken me until now. It's taken me this long to remember that my general happiness is inextricably tied to my relationship with God.

We went to church this morning for the first time in a long while. It felt good. Both of us were very touched by the message, and I think it's time I once again confronted that scary-beautiful word 'repentance'. That was this morning. This afternoon was my most recent crying fit. After that, we found a green place by a river. There was a willow tree. We prayed together on a bench, and I sat on the grass and waited.

Sometimes you just need to wait.

He waited with me, holding my hand and looking directly into my eyes. He remarked afterwards how my eyes had changed, phasing through heartbreak, laughter and surprise in the space of a few moments. The truth is I was rediscovering something. Not all at once, because sometimes it takes time, but I was sat digging in the dirt and I felt like things weren't as awfully sad as they had been.

So, here's to Cardiff and new beginnings. Thank you all.