Birthdings

I was not going to celebrate my birthday. I was playing it cool. I always do, at first. It's a lowering of my own expectations, really, because I'm never convinced that anyone else is going to remember.

I promise this post gets less wallowy. Bear with me.

har! har!

Having a birthday in October, for a kid who grew up as bookish and introverted as I did, meant that people at school often hadn't had time to get to know me when my birthday rolled around. September kids probably have it even worse.

In my first year at uni, my first birthday away from home, I quietly mentioned my birthday to the three people I knew by name; and I got a surprised "Ah! Really? Happy birthday! ... So are you doing anything for it?" to which I answered No, no. Not really.

So, nothing happened.

It's my own fault; I'm bad at making things happen. For my 18th birthday, my friends demanded that we go to Pizza Hut at least, because I wasn't planning to do anything at all.

Since coming to Cardiff, though, things have picked up speed. I'm not the wallflower I once was, and I'm lucky enough to have friends who'll grab hold of the most tenuous excuses imaginable for a fancy-dress shindig. I love them, I love them (fancy-dress shindigs AND my friends; but I mostly meant my friends. I would not trade the wonderful, talented, gorgeous people in my life for anything, not even a kawasaki ninja, and LOOK how frakkin' pretty they are:

Are we still parentheses? We are. Sorry).

Yesterday, despite being in work all day, I was remembered by a great many people. As soon as midnight hit, Sean Solle got the first HBD greeting in, and the following 24 hours saw a whole bunch of people on twitter and facebook and even tumblr wishing me a merry one. Some of them barely know me, or were reminded by facebook, but every single one made me smile and feel valued. That kind of positivity really adds up over the course of a day!

And, to top it all, the very kind family I live with (whose generosity I can't begin to deserve) bought me a book on Graffiti - one I don't already own! It looks great, the pictures are grouped by area rather than by artist which is so cool bec- er, anyway - and a birthday cake.

And AND, the people I'm training with at work bought me cards and chocolates because they are insanely lovely. INSANELY. Get this: the lady who trained me for the first two weeks remembered that my short story has been published by the UK Zombie Defence League, looked the UKZDL up, found my blog along the way, discovered that Lindt Lindor are my favourite chocolates, got me some, and made me promise not to share them.

SERIOUSLY.

like -

I can't even -

That's lovely on a scale I never expected to encounter in a work environment. Dilbert did not prepare me for this. How are you supposed to respond? Anywhere else I'd have given her the biggest bearhug on record, because seriously, that's above and beyond the contractually-obliged Happy Birthday, but instead I just rambled and thanked for a bit and grinned my way throughout training for the rest of the day.

Also, a girl I met on a bus and befriended the heck out of lent me the first Harry Dresden book, so I've got that going for me too.

Just - keep up the good work, universe. This is all very very adequate.

A vastly superior day

Yesterday was a day of wonderful things.

I wandered around the grass expanse of Bute park, toes clenching and relaxing in the lush grass, treading happily on loose dirt, or my outstretched legs splashing shallow in the river. The barbecue smoke washed through my hair, which I don't mind at all - for the rest of the day, every turn of my head would remind me of it - and the music flowed from the macbook.

Haha, yes. I was getting back to nature in true filthy-footed hippie style, and my cute, skinny, indie-boy friend was playing music on his macbook. I have more cute, skinny, indie-boy friends now than at any previous point in my life. They sure know how to make me feel flabby and uninteresting (on my worse days. Today, I felt nothing but enjoyment of their company. Take that, insecurities!).

The food was great, the company was wonderful, the music, and the grass the grass the grass - my feet were filthy by the time I'd stopped wandering around. Honestly, get one cider in me and I'm so much happier! I even clambered about on the stones in the stone circle grinning happily to myself. I do love Bute Park.

These photos of the park weren't taken yesterday, but they're mine and I like them. So there.

And then, and then, a poetry event! Word4word in the yurt at Milgi. There were bad poets and good poets, a couple of stunningly funny monologues, Leeum doing his thing (that makes me feel like I've been set on fire with language), and one poet who made me take an intensely strong and personal dislike to him. Words have power, kids: they can make me decide you're a dick.

They can also leave me with a burning desire to write. I'm glad I took a notebook with me. It may look pretentious, sitting among poets and scribbling down poetry, but the ideas come thick and fast at those events and they never stay put for long.

To everyone who's comforted or checked up on me since the last blog post: thanks for caring. You really don't need to worry, though. Very soon after writing that emofest, I saw a song by Goldfish that made me dream that I'd decided to stop wallowing and get on with shit. So get on with shit I shall!

And there was much rejoicing!

For months now, I've been nagging my parents to hunt throughout the entire house for a very precious bracelet that I'd left behind. With every passing week I lost hope, becoming more and more convinced that it was lost to the void. You know how when you lose something that was pretty much brand new, and it just stays new and unattainable in your mind forever? My beautiful bracelet was like that. I even had dreams where I found it and it wasn't quite the same as in the real world... a sure sign that I was forgetting it while obsessing over it at the same time.

My dad asked me where he thought I'd seen it last, and time and time again I told him that I had no idea, and that the only place I could remember leaving it was on the leg of an upturned piece of furniture in my old bedroom. (It's kind of turned into the junk room since then so there's no shortage of chairlegs hanging around, waiting to have hairbands and stuff left on them.)

It wasn't because it was expensive jewellery that I wanted to find it, it was because it was a special gift from my boyfriend's parents. They chose the charms specially with me in mind - a silver flip-flop and conch shell - because I was raised on an island, you see? And they gave me a third charm to me this Christmas - a beautiful silver bear. Bears have huge personal significance for me.

The bracelet was intended, partly, to be worn on a cruise this summer. My boyfriend's grandmother is taking the entire family, and apparently, I qualify! I didn't want to wear it until then (ironically because I had a suspicion I would lose it / drop it / have it stolen), but I was talked into it by his mother, who told me 'not to save it for best.'

Anyway, my dad hadn't found it, my mum hadn't found it, none of my siblings had seen it, and I was forced to conclude that it could have slipped off my wrist any time, any place. I prayed. This is a revelation I've been unsure how to introduce to you all, but I'm a Christian. Sort of. Was. Am. Well, I'm confused, essentially, so I was pleading with God saying "If you're really there, you know how important this is to me - please, please help me find it..." then I'd tail off and wonder if I was talking to myself.

Every day since I've been back, I've been having mini-hunts in every corner of this junk-packed house, in the futile hope that it'd turn up. Tonight I searched in my old bedroom again. I'd already looked, of course, but I had to do something.
"Dad's already tidied here loads of times... to be honest, if it was here, he'd have found it." That was my sister, Judith, getting ready for bed.
"I know," I said, "but it just feels better than doing nothing, you know?"

After a lot of organising, and sorting, and putting things into bags and throwing them away and finding books from years ago, I saw it. There, on the leg of an upturned stool, hidden away under an old computer desk, was my bracelet - paler than I remembered it, but just as beautiful.

The next few seconds sounded like this:

"I found it.

I FOUND IT."

Judith: "What?"

"I FOUND IT!

I FOUND IT!!

MUUUUM!!! I FOUND IT!"

I ran downstairs, my sister shouting congratulations after me, and my mum reaching out to hug me, almost as delighted as I was, because she knew how important this was to me, and how bad I'd felt for letting down my boyfriend and his parents. I called him with the good news straight away, of course! And then... we prayed. And I said thank you to the God that I can't quite not believe in however much I hurt sometimes.

Sitting on the sofa afterwards, I thought of a story Jesus told about a woman in a very similar position.

Luke 15 v. 8-10

The Parable of the Lost Coin

"Or what woman who has 10 silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp, sweep the house, and search carefully until she finds it? When she finds it, she calls her women friends and neighbors together, saying, 'Rejoice with me, because I have found the silver coin I lost!' I tell you, in the same way, there is joy in the presence of God's angels over one sinner who repents."

So, it being a little late to call all my friends and neighbours together, I thought I'd share it with you. Because some things are just important.

I'd like to thank the academy

Right! I'm today's Blog of Note (which excites me rather more than it should!) so now's the perfect time to welcome any new readers I may have gathered. Hello, everyone! Introduce yourself in the comments section, I'm sure my regular readers will make you feel welcome.

I'm rather flustered just at the moment, so rather than witter on about myself, I'll just link to some of the old posts I'm proudest of. Cheating? WHY YES!

Words are not enough (or too much)

So there I was in my bikini

Dinner party in a car park

Big Al says dogs can't look up

Well, things are looking up for me! I'm feeling better, showing up at uni (if not actually enrolled yet), and turning 21 tomorrow. 21. That's properly grown-up! Fortunately that means nothing these days.

And, in addition, a bit of charity shop hunting has led to me listening to Hanson and B*Witched's albums from back in the day! AMAZING. It's even sunny and everything!

Oh, and I must remember to tell you why time flies when you're having fun. I worked it out! yeh! so remind me if I forget.

Today we have a VERY interesting thing: Fantastic Contraption! I've had so much fun with this the past couple of days. Give it a go. If a few of you are into it, I'll post up some amazing solutions!

Eventful day

Also, Gav's brother is engaged to his lady! Hooray!
Also, my uncle died of cancer either today or yesterday. I barely knew him.
Also, I played lots of wii mariokart tonight.
Also, one of my friends is a Lost geek like me!
Also, telling someone they're being oversensitive when they're angry is a FANTASTIC way of calming them down...

All the small things

Walking home tonight, the sky was pale blue and covered in bright pink clouds. Now I was strictly anti-pink until quite recently, but I've now conceded that it has it's place, especially my hair and the sky.

It was breathtakingly beautiful, and I'm very sorry I didn't have my camera with me to show you guys, but what surprised me most was the fact that nobody else was looking. It was fairly easy to tell because it could only be seen when you cross the road, otherwise the view to the east was blocked, and absolutely nobody I passed so much as looked above eye-level.

This is something that used to amaze me when I sat on the kitchen roof back home. My bedroom had a huge window that led out onto it, so I'd go and sit there when I needed some alone time, and I knew I'd pass completely unseen as not a soul would think to look up, however many hours I stayed there.

I'm sure it happens to all of you too. Sometimes there are days when you seem to see things so much clearer than anybody else, but the next day you become one of the myopic masses again.

Still, it's put me in a fabulous mood, so I thought I'd share it with you lucky souls!