Ice cream makes everything better

What a peculiar day. My seminar tutor and I had a difference of opinion. He spent ten minutes defending something that I wasn't intending to attack; pointing out that there's no point my being here unless some things are wrong and some are right. I know that. I'm no relativist. But I didn't see how that equated to me being wrong and him being right, and it would have been just wonderful if he could have explained that part.

So, I felt quite got at, zoned and, and drew cartoons on the back of the poem instead. A girl in my seminar group said how ridiculous it was for him to attack the one person who actually contributes stuff in discussions. And now I'm worried that I might a) go completely silent, b) disagree with him on everything, or c) nod and smile at everything he says until he cries or something. I bought comfort ice cream on the way home. I'm buying too much unhealthy stuff these days, I feel all fat and gross. Boooo.

That was quite rubbish. And now I'm home with an essay to finish, and that's quite rubbish too, but I'm in a much better mood than I was due to a rather odd phone call I got from Gavin. He's gone mountain-climbing with his friends (Ben Nevis apparently, well done them), and the following was a conversation between myself, Gavin, and Stu.

Hey honey!
Hi girl, how are you feeling?
Better thanks. Done emo-ing now.
Have you met Stu?
Errr don't remember...
Say hello.
Ok, hi!
Hello! I'm in my pants!
*laughs* Great. Is Gav in his pants too?
No. He's not looking.
*couldn't make this bit out but I swear I heard the word 'twitching' in there*
Ok honey I'm gonna leave you to it...
Alright sweetie. Love you, bye!

So that cheered me up, and then I went downstairs for some trashy sitcom action and more ice cream. Ah well, back to that essay...

I should be working.

I have all the best intentions in the world to start any second now, I SWEAR, but sadly this has been the case for about a decade now.

I went to bed just after midnight last night, which for me is shockingly reasonable. I did lots of praying and tried to get an early night, but I kept being disturbed by rustling sounds in my room. It was a mouse; bigger than Jeffers and with darker fur. Thus commenced a mousehunt that would have been comedic if I wasn't so darn skilled. I ended up cornering him in my giant luggage bag , until he slipped out underneath my door. I couldn't find him after that; I suspect he went into Michelle's room - she's gone home for Christmas already.

but y'know, it was a lot cuter when it was just Jeffers - I'm considerably less keen on the concept of us having MICE.

I can't think of anything to write, which is tragic because I'm writing about having nothing to write in yet another transparent attempt to avoid work.

Oh well, tata all. Do stuff I wouldn't do and report back. x x

What makes you free?

If you were snatched up from wherever you are and dropped in an infinite featureless plain, would you technically be imprisoned?

Think about that for a second.

What if there was stuff on this plain, trees and such. Is it still a prison? If so, what makes it so?

Maybe it's prison when you can't get home... but then you can be imprisoned in your home. Maybe it's a prison when you can't get where you want to be. I'd feel trapped if I couldn't travel to my home or to Cardiff. Or to beatboxing events. You know what, the sooner my NUS student card comes through, the better - I'll get rail discounts, which apparently in my head equates to more freedom.

What makes you free? Would would count as a prison to you?

ITOTD: I could spend hours doing this.

Johnny the rugby-tackling alzheimer's patient

Right, I've decided to be a bit more frequent with my blog updates. I don't feel that I've got that much to say, but as we all know it's the quantity and not the quality that counts.

I have spent most of my life with tragically low self-esteem. I was, socially, a wasteland throughout my childhood - hopeless with other kids, introverted, intelligent, and convinced that I was ugly. I am by no means unique in this respect. A lot of people start out that way.

The past few years have consisted of me discovering that I'm more than that. I learned how to win people over with the bare minimum of effort (hint: be interested in them!), I put the books down and started talking to people, and I found out that I'm not Quasimodo's ugly step-sister.

I'm missing my gap year like crazy. The combination of responsibility and freedom was perfect for me; the feeling of doing something practically to help, talking to people about their problems, leading discussion groups, it was just right to push me to the next stage. I grew in confidence over that year, no doubt about it.

And now, to cap it all off, I'm loved in a way I never expected and sure as hell never deserved.

I am having quite a wobbly start at university. I'm being shy and introverted, and because of the nature of my course I'm doing a lot of reading, and I'm scared to get into the church side of things and not really sure how to go about it. But I'm not going to lose sight of who I am now; change in character is a one-way process from my experience and I'm glad of that because I really, genuinely liked who I was in my gap year. I hope and pray to have the guts to be that person here in Plymouth.

Interesting thing of the day: Plug your webcam in!

Greek mythology and bicycle sex

This uni work is making me feel a lot like Sisyphus. Every time I feel like I'm getting somewhere, that rock just rolls right the way back down again... blargh.

Interesting thing of the day: bicycle sex is against the law, apparently. Strange world we live in.

The big two - oh

Today is my birthday. I am 20, and no longer a teenager.

However, I still know nothing about mortgages, and I intentionally started this post with a false sense of significance just to worry you. It's ok! I'm still me and still relatively clueless.

Being newly away from home meant that things were a bit quiet, as I'd expected, so I went into today thinking things would be normal. Which they kind of weren't. Within minutes of waking up, I'd received an utterly amazing gift from my boy that I'm still finding my way around, had a thread started about me on humanbeatbox.com, and had received two birthday cards (one from my grandparents and one from my boy's parents - not one from mine though! ;) ). Granted, nobody really knows me yet, but everyone smiles and wishes you the best when it 'comes up in conversation' that it's your birthday.

My housemates have bought me a cake which we'll share as soon as everyone's in at the same time (est. February), which is SO lovely and unexpected! And Lanky Dave (I live with two Daves, a Ben, and Michelle) said he might buy me some Baileys - which, as some of you might know, is the only alcoholic drink that makes me smile on contact.

I had a lecture that was absolutely rubbish and ended half an hour early - she was supposed to be teaching us how to use a website that a) wasn't working and b) she didn't understand. So THAT was fun.

My seminar was pretty darn good! I contributed! Maybe a little too much, which isn't a good indicator really since I haven't read the whole of the Odyssey yet. When I have I'll probably be insufferable.

And in the evening I went to my Christian Union for the first time, which was very cool! It felt like such a relief to be back among Christians, which is a dangerous and damaging thing to feel and I expect you guys to make sure I don't isolate myself away from the real world. That said, it's amazingly encouraging to have a few names under my belt at the CU already, and someone has invited me to their church. Fab!

Then I came home and talked to my boy, which (as always) made me exceedingly happy. He's coming down in three days!! I miss him a lot less than I did this time last week. I was very emo about it all, but I appear to have survived the two-week mark intact. Thank God it's not much longer, I'll say that.

Interesting thing of the day: The Man Code.

A stranger in a strange land

I had one seminar on my timetable for today, and it turns out that was a mistake. So instead of going home and moping, I thought I'd go exploring. I did the same after my lecture yesterday, I found the train station so that I could get my boy next week without getting lost. Today I found the shops! Oh my gosh! I don't really like shopping, but after living in a student ghetto for a fortnight it was such a relief to be back in the real world.

I wandered around happily knowing that I could be myself, that I could talk to people without being nervous. That's who I really am. I'm a vaguely confident, happy person - but for some reason I can't be that at university. YET. I can't wait to start being myself again, it'll be such a relief!

It's been strange, actually worrying about what people think of me. It's affected everything I do, say, and even wear! That's not like me at all! Back home I wear what I damn well like because I know that I know what I'm doing. I know people and they know me. That's a very enviable position to be in, and I never realised that until now, when I'm completely anonymous and there's nobody I know. Fingers crossed that'll change soon.

Things have been a bit rocky with God lately, so any prayers would be so much appreciated. Life in general is a bit odd right now, just because there's so much that's new. But I'm hopeful, and positive, and I swear it's not just the fairtrade chocolate talking. Mmmm. Fairtrade chocolate makes you thinner! And boosts you IQ! And other such self-delusive lies.

(Is 'delusive' right? It should be.)

I want to thank you guys who read / comment here, you're all so incredibly supportive... it's wonderful to know that there are people who care. God bless you.

University and the like

I feel better! And my laptop is working! And university seems ok! And the library here has half a million books which is enough to form L-space! And I'm listening to a track called Sweet Charity by Mr Bungle and generally feeling rather awesome.

Did you know, if you hardly eat for almost a week, it really wrecks up your body? Over the past few days, in addition to a painful throat, I've had the muscles in my legs burning with lactic acid, and my tongue actually turned black after a glass of red wine (I kid you not, that is NOT ok with me)! Still, I appear to be 100% better now, thank God. Sorry to bore you all with my health, I realise it loses some of the fascination when you're not undergoing it personally!

I went to a poetry reading the other day, it was very enjoyable. I love poetry, and poetry readings are pseudo-intellectual enough to flatter me into feeling cultured. So that was nice. I came out of it feeling very fired up about how much I'm going to improve throughout university, and thinking "I could so do that!"

Now I'm listening to a song about a cartoon stuffed otter called Philippe. And that is one reason why my boy rocks. Another is that I just spent almost an hour with him on the phone. Hooray!

Love to you all :) x x

Pathetic Excuses

I'M HERE I'M HERE!! Sorry sorry sorry! But I was in Cardiff! Then packing for university! Now I'm at university! And ill and miserable and terrified and starting tomorrow! And I got abducted by aliens and had to save the world as we know it from...

Orrrr maybe I'm making some of that up.

But yes, Cardiff! have to tell you, never in my life have I had a moment so entirely special as being blind-fed a surprise breakfast in bed of... Ben and Jerry's. Drool. Does my boy know me or what! But it's okay because we were super-healthy for the whole rest of the 5 days I was there. But yes, Ben and Jerry's, watching South Park, and other such awesome things... quite possibly the most wonderful morning I've had, ever, EVER. I love you honey.

I met more people up there, which was wonderful, and we had a proper grown-up style dinner party on the last evening! Iiiiii know! And I almost, almost beat him at a combat game. Went right down to the decider. I was kicking ASS to start with, but the element of surprise can't last forever!

So, despite the fury and panic of starting university, and despite the sheer UNFAIRNESS of getting ill JUST BEFORE freshers' fortnight (I'm in constant pain, it's not ideal), I'm making it through by remembering happier times.

Well, wish me luck for tomorrow, and please pray that I get better. Pain makes me very grouchy which is A Bad Thing for first impressions.

I shall try to be less almost weekly, FBL my dear! Apologies!

52

I've been agonising over finding accommodation for university for a while, so it was blissfully relieving to find the right place first try. I have a place to live! Brilliant! I am (I know) a very, very lucky girl.

I'm not superstitious about the number 52, my subconscious just always seems to pick it out of a lineup. I'm always noticing it on license plates, house numbers and so forth. On the train up to Cardiff, I sat in a random seat and later noticed it was number 52. My brain really needs to stop doing that!

It would be silly to claim that my life is ruled by coincidence. But it is interesting that, on my first day in Cardiff, I bumped into Dave. A few of you will know Dave; he's doing a gap year in Wales and just happened to be passing through the park while I was out with my boy. So that was nice, and I had hugs!

So, life continues strange but wonderful, long may the slightly baffling magic continue! More detail to come no doubt.

Miracles will never cease

So, after the shock revelation that somebody actaully reads this, (I know! Hi Les!) I decided it was time I updated you.

Lately I've been going to various universities to have a look around. You see, where all six of the unis I applied to have accepted me, I now have to decide which ones I consider to be good enough for me. (Which is all well and good until I fail my exams.)
Today I checked out Chichester university - eventually! Y'see, I'm not great at mapreading. Never have been. So when I was told that it would fall to me to decide where we were going, I knew there was only one way that could go.

And indeed, when we stumbled through the door of Chichester College an hour late, my worst fears had been realised. But more than that, halfway through filling out the form, I realised they thought I was going into childcare, and that the college is in fact NOT the university. So we left again. I was close to tears at one point. But the rest of the day went fine (except for getting hideously lost again on the way back through no fault of our own [they moved the ferry terminal. Seriously.])

Guess what! Ben's planned a Man's Night In! Oh dear, this may take some explaining. You see, last Man's Night In we had, I was invited as a special guest. I thought "Great, so I get to see what men act like when there are no girls around," as I'm usually in mixed company. I'm not the girliest girl ever, so I thought I'd be in my element! Not AT ALL what I expected. My (heterosexual) male friends were:
1) Watching Friends. Understandable.
2) Using moisturiser. Forgivable.
3) Dying each other's hair in the bathroom. Hmmmm.

So watching my friends taking their tops off, all 5 or 6 of us crammed into the bathroom, the most boyish thing that happened was a less-than-subtle joke about what Jamez was going to do with the rubber glove provided with the hair-dye kit.

This time it's going to be a proper manly night, with beer and sports. Never drunk beer before, could be an experience, especially since Justin wants me to drink his share as he can't be there! Sigh. I miss Justin. He's moved to London for a year, which is just inconsiderate really.

I wonder if anyone can help me with something. In Newport on the Isle of Wight there's a tiny theatre / art gallery type thing called the Quay Arts Centre. After I saw a play there the other night, I came out to see the words "The afflicted" written in chalk on a wooden part of the building. I immediately thought Oooooo a mystery! Who are the afflicted? What does it mean? What do they want? How many of them are there? Do you know?

Of course you don't. Probably one person with some chalk knows. I doubt they read my blog.

Sorry for the rather lengthy post, hope you like it. Take care y'all.

Anna x x

I'm being unfaithful...

I'm sorry, but I have to confess something. I have been looking at other blog sites to see if there's somewhere I might consider... um... switching to. Y'see, I get restless pretty easily, and other blogs have all these cool features - and one of them is called manicfish, isn't that such a cool name? What I wouldn't give to have a name that cool in my blog address.

Sadly, they're all rubbish. I'm not kidding. They are boring and all plain colours, whereas I have a colour scheme! Hah! Yes I do, with spots! Oh yes! So I'm staying put, at least until a better offer comes along.

Maybe it's not such a terrible thing that I'm not the boyfriend-having type...

It's the school half term now, so I spent most of saturday asleep. And today for the first time in yonks, I wasn't even slightly sleepy at church. I was so proud of myself. It wasnt half bad actually.

That reminds me, there's this verse that's been on my mind lately. Everybody I know gives me a different explanation, so any ideas would be welcomed... John 20:23. Jesus says to his disciples, "If you forgive their sins, they will be forgiven. If you do not, they will not be forgiven." So.... wow. Big deal slightly? I mean, does this apply to the disciples only, or was it instructions for the church, and... wha...? Like I said, no two people seem to agree.

My mum didn't know I have a blog. Hunh. I guess it hasn't come up in conversation much, but still! She's my mother, she should already know these things without me having to tell her.

Cliff, here I come.

No, I'm not declaring my intentions for everyone's favourite long-term pop legend. I have an English presentation for tomorrow, so I drew this helpful diagram to illustrate my further course of action.

Lovely. That's me, see, and that's the cliff. It wouldn't be that bad, but my teacher reminded me to do it today because she's being supervised tomorrow. So I was very helpful and reassuring and said of course I'd do it when I got home and then I couldn't remember what I said I'd do. And I hadn't written it down. But I googled till I couldn't google no more, and I eventually remembered what I was doing. But I can't find anything about it. So instead, I'm writing this which is useless but may just entertain you.

Also, I recently had my hair cut by some top London people. (For free as one is my aunt. Heehee) I'll put a photo up soon. (Promise.)

If you actually read this, look after yourself, ok? x x

Which tells of mental confusion, social division, and my impending marriage to a celebrity.

What a crazy few days. Aside from all the craziness that's been happening inside my head, there's been a few interesting things happening outside of it too.

London have got the Olympics in 2012 - by which time I'll be 24. Scary much?!

I hope the G8 summit went/is going well (I'm not too sure how thing are chronologically.)

I've bought the DVD of Long Way Round, the motorbike adventure with Ewan McGregor (who, by the way, I'm going to marry when I invent time travel) and Ewan McGregor's mate (Charlie Boorman). Ewan seems genuinely lovely and funny and interesting - and cute - so yeah, I'm going to marry him. Alright so he's rich and famous, but you can't have everything can you.

I was talking about the craziness inside my head. I have no clue what's going on in there! It's all scary and confusing. I kind of think it's male-related, though which one and why I'm not sure. It could be one of any number of blokes - or, indeed, all of them. I'll get back to you.

Hey, look, I'm blonde. Sorry, I'm not used to it. I've always been semi-blonde and occasionally (like when I wear black or purple) I realise how blondish it actually is. Sorry. Ok. Hair-related rant over.

Things at school are mucho confusing. There are social problems, divisions, petty rivalries... we're usually a good bunch with that sort of thing but it's all gone a little bit funny. I think a few people blame Big Brother. We watch the stupid arguments, then re-enact them ourselves; it's ridiculous. I hope it's sorted by the holidays, otherwise only some will be invited to various parties over the summer and it'll make things worse... dire predictions, maybe, but probably right.

I'm always right, it's sickening. Every time I make a prediction - usually under the label of 'worst case scenario' - it happens. That's why pessimists are always so depressed, they know they're right!

I cannot summon the enthusiasm for school at the moment. We've done our exams, please let us go! It's not fair. Most people have time off after exams, we just roll right on to A2.

I am in stupid need of a boyfriend. However I am aware that getting one 'just because' is incredibly stupid, so I won't be doing that. Instead I am going to sit in my room thinking "How sad is it that I've never had a boyfriend?" while at the same time feeling slightly smug that I'm not codependant. Sigh...

In which there is a fire, wasted lessons, and a reversion to childhood.

Yesterday was manic. Absolutely bizarre. I only ever have two lessons on Tuesdays, but one of my Theology teachers wasn't in (ill still) so it was just the one. On my way to R block, I smelled smoke down west corridor. Nobody was making any fuss, so I didn't think too much of it and just continued to my lesson. Five minutes later the alarm went off, and we had to evacuate the school. Ergo no lessons for me (sob... not).

Crazy though; it was arson in the boy's loos. Because lightning hit the school last Friday, we had no phone communication, no fire alarm, and no CCTV. So we couldn't alert the pupils or the fire peeps, and we can't see who did it! What a fiasco; our headteacher is in pretty deep with this. It was nice though, spending the one hour I should have been working lying on the field with my friends... with a gentle summer breeze... perfect!

Today was mildly tamer... at first! Theatre Studies was - as always - fantastic. Then things got silly. In G4 at lunchtime, most people had gone down to the park as they had the afternoon off, but a select few - myself included - stayed behind. Ellie found some crayons - proper wax crayons - and we droo sum pikshas. It was great! We did a zooo, and a serkiss wiv clowns juglin, and a house wiv birds and trees and a pink cat, and a sky piksha, and I did a piksha of Muykle. I blame the Millions. Little sugar pixies, all artificial colourings and flavourings and additives. Giggle... nothing like a sugar high to pass lunchtime well, is there! We've pinned them all up on the wall, but the Humpty Dumpty one is upside-down. Which possibly explains why he fell off, at least.

Sociology was cool; both our teachers for that subject have given up on getting us to work, so I just taught people how to do those Scoubidou things. It was great! I had Adam, Kate, Dan, Tasha and Mrs. Reynolds all learning at various points. Well, it's that or work, isn't it...

Roll on tomorrow, says I... I need sleep! It's ridiculous. A couple of days ago I fell asleep on my bedroom floor when I stopped to pray. That's bad, and all entirely my fault, because I've been reading instead of sleeping. Since it's a Theatre Studies book I've been reading, it's technically Rob and Liz's fault. Oh well; I've finished it now. Sleep time... later. After BB.

Not that I watch BB, you understand. Ohhh nooooo. Rubbish. Me? Hah! No.