Being better

Egads, people...

I don't really know what to say for myself.

I'm sorry, most of all. I am currently feeling very sorry indeed. I've been a terrible friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend. a terrible person in general. I'm not depressed about it; it's not my way to convince myself that I'm worthless and to feel terrible about it.

How to express it... I would be worthless without the love of others. As it is, you've given me a value, God has given me a value, that I could never hope to earn on my own. So thank you for that.

I'm trying to be better, but then I always try to be better and very little comes of it. Still. One must keep trying.

As I'm often told, you don't have to be better than anyone else, you just have to be better than yesterday.

Every journey starts with a single blog post about how you intend to take a step

Few things are as painful as the horrible realisation of your true self. All the little personality flaws, all the foibles that your closest friends and family know only too well (and like you too much to point out). In fact the only thing I can think of right now that is MORE horrible than that, is when you have to do something about it.

So here, in the privacy of my own public blog, I've decided to confess to a few of my faults with the express intention of weeding them out of my personality.

ONE.
If there is no drama in my life, I will create some. I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be, with my weekly breakdowns at Soul Cafe where people would need to reassure me about all aspects of my body and personality, but I'm still pretty bad. Take Gavin for example. Occasionally - up to and including this weekend - I'll continue crying at him because it takes a lot more effort to calm down and be rational about things. This is clearly unacceptable.

TWO.
When I say I'll do something, I mean I may or may not and it certainly won't be soon. Despite my many layers of organisation - both an online and physical diary, phone reminders, www.rememberthemilk.com etc. - I still find ways of postponing pretty much everything. This comes down to poor time management; something that I will have to keep very tightly in check when university starts again. If it starts again. Oh God.

THREE.
I must, must, MUST work myself back into sensible sleeping habits. I've seen the wrong side of dawn far too many times in the past week, now being a prime example. If I am to have any hope of catching a worm, ever, I must stop relying on the blackout blind to provide me with an artificial night.

So! You may all bear witness to this pledge to better myself. I shall start tomorrow with a reasonable rising time (i.e. actually in the morning), a healthy breakfast, and a tidying spree.

Why can't I improve myself in a montage? Montages are easy. Rocky got a damn montage.