Two-oh-one-two

There is a plastic cup in my room. It is on the windowsill, catching drips. What these drips are doing in my room is anybody's guess; although the letting agency, before pawning our house off on another agency, got as far as deciding that it might be the guttering.

Yes, well done. It might.

I suppose it's damp, then, that's turning my wallpaper a mottled pattern of bleached and black in that corner, despite the best efforts of a dehumidifier my housemate's relatives have kindly lent us.

It makes me feel a rush of hopelessness whenever I pull soomething from my wardrobe and smell, or see, that it is going moldy. I can't afford to replace anything. Or pay my rent, actually, let alone cover bills and food. It's a miracle that I'm limping along as I am, despite sort of having two jobs (I have had no shifts at the first job in two months, and the second is unpaid(ish) for now).

My new year's eve was uneventful. I've been nocturnal and listless for a couple of weeks, and that meant I had no resolve to fight my unfortunate tendency to hide from parties. If I'm invited to one, I'll generally go, but if I'm invited to five on the same night, you can bet good money I'll be at home, in my room, by myself.
As was in fact the case.
It got bad.
I went on omegle.

All of this, basically, is my attempt at complete and brutal honesty. Some of you seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that I'm interesting, or even "awesome." Well I'm not. But you know what? I have been. And I can be. And, goddamnit, I will be. One way or another, I'll shift gears and change from someone who is surviving into someone who is thriving. I don't know if that means I'll be getting more money in (though, Lord knows, I do hope so), but at the very least I'll be living the way I want to. Trying new things, working on my meagre skills, playing to my strengths and the like.

At least I've been writing a lot of poetry in the last month. I was looking for one I could share with you, but I seem to have started dozens and not finished any, so you might have to wait. Or check out my idlescribe tumblr, that's an option too...

I was looking for blogs to recommend to you, ones that count as an inspiration, but my google reader seems to have had a panic attack and dropped all its proverbial biscuits, so I'll get back to you on that one.

Much love, y'all.

Being better

Egads, people...

I don't really know what to say for myself.

I'm sorry, most of all. I am currently feeling very sorry indeed. I've been a terrible friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend. a terrible person in general. I'm not depressed about it; it's not my way to convince myself that I'm worthless and to feel terrible about it.

How to express it... I would be worthless without the love of others. As it is, you've given me a value, God has given me a value, that I could never hope to earn on my own. So thank you for that.

I'm trying to be better, but then I always try to be better and very little comes of it. Still. One must keep trying.

As I'm often told, you don't have to be better than anyone else, you just have to be better than yesterday.

It would have been a great day if it hadn't been night-time

I've been waiting for my productive side to kick in for a week. In accordance with Sod's Law, it did so at 11:30 in the evening after my last day of uni work before the holidays. I really don't see why I couldn't have had a surge of productivity in time to get my essay done properly, but ah well. Better late than never, as they say.

Still, it's hasn't been wasted; I've tidied my room, had a shower, done a few small but necessary things... I was gonna go out for a walk as well, but it occurs to me that 3:35 may not be the best or most practical time to do so.

I've been listening to Queen all evening as well, which has put me in a good, positive, hopeful mood. I heartily recommend it.

Good morning, world! :)

Every silver lining has a cloud

I have so much to look forward to right now, so I thought I'd have a rare (these days) moment of unbridled positivity. Yes, I am aware of the irony in that sentence.

So! I got my essay handed in, and tomorrow is that last day of lectures... and I think they've been cancelled. So technically it's easter! Hooray! And for Easter, G and myself are going to Paris for a week. I'm very very very excited about this!!

ALSO

ALSO

I'm moving to Cardiff. Wow.

I discovered a beautiful poem today, it's here if you want to read it. My poetry seminar went so well today! It's by far my favourite subject, and to be honest I'm gonna miss our lecturer. I've had differences of opinion with him, but that's a good thing; in so many subjects I don't have any opinion at all.

I bumped into Dainjamouth on the way home from university; the only beatboxer that I know of in Plymouth. It was good to catch up with him; he reminded me about a hip-hop battly type thing that's happening today but I don't know anyone here who'd want to go to that kind of thing with me, which is a shame!

I saw Lost last night! I missed it on Sunday due to being in Cardiff, and on Tuesday due to being a fool, but they repeat it on Wednesdays as well and I'm so very excited about that. Hahaha. Yes, my life currently is that dull, but it won't be for long!

On the downside, somebody I know really needs a cuddle and to be told everything's gonna be ok. Both things that inexplicably lose 99% of the meaning when you're not in the same room as the person.