please excuse me while I kiss this guy

Pissed the hell off. Not everybody likes reading rants, especially not ones that could be construed as gossiping / bitching (though I really really try to stay away from those), so if you're playing it safe just skip ahead to the kitty buffer. ↓↓↓

I've been with my boyfriend for three months now. He (let's call him M) lives with his ex*, and my friends and I used to go over to their house for gaming weekends, before he and I got together. I haven't been welcome there recently, at his ex's request.** That doesn't bother me too much.

But what happened tonight? Really does. I'll try to explain...

M works all week and sees me on the weekends, so when he turned up unexpectedly an hour or so ago, I was surprised but pleased to see him! My housemate / friend D had just ordered us pizza, so it looked like it was going to be a fun evening in. Which would be lovely, since my other housemates were going out, and I didn't want to be alone tonight.

Boy did I misread the situation.

What was actually planned was for M, his ex, and D to go bowling together. That happens sometimes. I used to go with them, but these days it's just 'understood' that I won't because that would be too awkward, apparently.***

And if M had told me before showing up "Look, this is what's going to happen, I won't be able to stay longer than five minutes," that would have been fine. I could have prepared for that. If D had said in advance "I'm ordering pizza but I'm going out with M, so please save me some," that would have been fine too. It would have been okay. Not great, still, but okay. But to have what felt like a nice surprise U-turn into another 'you're not invited' event, well, fuck that.

I normally try to squish whatever feelings I have about this, because it sucks for everyone involved, not just me, but if I don't tell them how it feels to be sat at home alone again after that fucking directorial mislead, then it'll just keep happening. And please bear in mind that I'm aware how childish it sounds to wail about unfairness, but if she doesn't want to hang out with me, maybe she just shouldn't come. And maybe my boyfriend and friend shouldn't aid her baseless social exclusion.

* Which is fine. Unconventional, but fine.
** Also fine. I completely understand. It's her house, she should only have to endure the company of people she likes.
*** Not for me, I should clarify: for her. I'll hang out with whoever.

Okay! Kitty buffer!

I cannot stress enough how amazing this video is. It's like Daft Bodies crossed with Tron.

Flipping

Gah, I keep trying to think of fun subjects to blog about. It's not like my past week or so has been uneventful, by any stretch of the imagination!

First of all, my dad had a heart attack last week. He's ok, I think - the clever doctor people have put a stent in his heart, which is a cool wire mesh thing to keep an artery open. Hopefully that's sorted him out, so although he's tired he's hopefully be okay.

In other news, Fat Tony came to stay! It was so awesome. He was only here for one night unfortunately, but we crammed in some youtube, Mario Kart, Community, Archer, Wall-E, pancakes and socialising. I call that a success.

No silly pictures this time around, tragically, but I'll leave you with this.



I genuinely don't know what to make of it. It's so unabashedly cheesy that I find myself quite warming to it, and I think it's by far Alex Day's boldest and best endeavour yet.

Recent events and Muppet Me

I have been up to things! Exciting things. Things that I shall now summarise because they were too long ago for me to remember any details.

Last week sometime, I forget when exactly, I went to a business meeting at which, despite having a cold that was frying my brain, I managed to actually contribute some stuff. This is very good news. Maybe I have a head for business after all!

Last friday was fairly eventful! I was treated to Avenue Q, the puppetty explanation of life and its trials and disappointments; with such unforgettable songs as "What do you do with a BA in English" and "the internet is for porn." I would recommend it to anyone; it's irreverent and clever and my expression throughout was one of unadulterated delight.

After that, I went to Gwdihw and saw Hobbit and MC Zani perform! I cheered, I yelled, I lost my voice. It was my first beatboxing gig in over a year, so I was delighted that I got to show a bunch of my friends what beatboxing is supposed to sound like. Hint: that thing I do when I'm drunk and you're bugging me to beatbox is basically babytown frolics; these guys are where it's at. The highlight of that was when  I introduced myself to Zani, who said "Oh, yeah, you're Hobbit's friend right?" I was the epitome of cool about that, but internally my response was a little more jubilant.

Last weekend was Cardiff Comic Expo, which was a lot of fun for the admittedly brief time that I was there. The coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose was starting to upset people. However I did get hit on by a dalek and stop a baby from crying, so overall I'm counting it as a win.

I am continuing to draw silly pictures of the only thing I can actually draw, i.e. ladies with big boobs. This is because of reasons.

Also I recommend that you check out this blog. It is all kinds of excellent. What else? I think that's everything; I still have a cold, and my sister and our friend Katie are both in town, so I'm spending as much as I can with them before they leave tomorrow.

Peace out, homies, or whatever.

Body

The other night, looking in the mirror, I had a revelation:
Yes, I may be heavier than the societally accepted ideal, but I'm lucky to be an hourglass shape with awesome curves. I'm happy with my body.
Then the following morning, faced with a closer inspection of dry skin etc., I decided I needed renovating from the ground up.

My body image, as I'm sure a lot of you will relate to, is like using a trampoline that is also a functional set of scales: I'm up and down way too often to get an accurate reading. Some days I feel like this:

Did somebody order a Manic Pixie Dream Girl?

And others, I feel like this:

Did somebody say fudge cake?

And that, as near as I can tell, is totally normal.

 The thing is, beauty comes from healthiness and happiness. If you've got both of those, the rest is just taking care of yourself... I've been realising more and more lately that the 'healthiness' side of my life needs a lot of work. All pizza and no exercise makes Jack a fat boy. And Anna a lazy girl.

I don't want to be the slovenly kind of person who never does anything because it's too difficult.

Anyway, I've finally liberated my poor bike, which hasn't been ridden in a year and a half. It's been to Punk Bikes for some TLC, so I just need to get on that, in every sense! At least if I'm actually doing something, whatever shape and size I am, I won't have shame about it. Being ashamed of your body is ten times worse than having a few extra pounds.

Affirmations

The theory behind affirmations, or "Cosmic Ordering" as the Mighty Wizard Edmonds calls it, is that if you repeatedly state your desire for something, you'll be more likely to get it.

My personal theory is that if you repeatedly state your desire for something, you're more likely to work towards it, because otherwise you look like a putz.

I already go on about things I want a fair bit. I want a motorbike, I want to shave my hair, and so forth. Like Chekhov's Three Sisters, I go on about it while never working towards it, because I am pretty lame.

NONETHELESS. I'm going to publicly say something that has been creeping up on me for months:
I want to go to America. I want to stay there. I want to see different states, compare different kinds of American life, get a feel for the geography and the people.

I'm still trying to work out ways this can happen that don't basically boil down to "get a job and spend no unnecessary money for three years." I'm sort of waiting for an opportunity to present itself. I dunno.

Anyway, yes, I am stating this here and now so that one day, I can look back and go "oh yeah that's when I decided to come here."

Also, please please watch this. It kicks all kinds of ass. The song has been wheeling through my head for a week or so now, and the video is utterly captivating!

Niceness

My romantic entanglements have, for the most part, ended before the other party became aware of their existence. It always goes the same way: inevitably, at some point, whatever poor guy I've been... not pursuing, as such, more... ogling with wilful intent, will have the following conversation with me.

Him: Let me tell you about this amazing new girl I met!

Me: Shoot (me).

Him: She's so nice, she's such a free spirit, she has awesome hair and she hovers three inches above the ground wherever she walks! All that is best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes, blah blah fuckitty blah (I'm paraphrasing here.)

This usually results in the following dichotomy.

Externally:

Internally:

This was my life in high school, and this has been my life for the year and a half since breaking up with my ex. For the past few months, I've again been staring at some oblivious dude, attempting to work out whether he was even single. Over Christmas, the matter was brought to a satisfactory conclusion when it was revealed that not only was he unattached, but that the lucky girl he'd had his eyes on was, in fact, me.

In the words of President Obama, "I got the sucker."

That was nice.
It's still nice.

Down the rabbit hole again

If you have been reading my blog for a long time, you might remember that I was obsessed with an alternate reality game called "The LOST Experience." Now, despite being left on a cripplingly cruel cliffhanger (RACHEL BLAKE, if you're out there, get in touch), it was one of the most exciting internetty things I was ever a part of.

Why mention it now? Well, I recently started watching Chuck. I've started watching from the beginning, and in the second episode, while spouting countless military secrets, Chuck mentions that Oceanic flight 815 - the same airline and flight number that crashed in Lost - was shot down! And that little part of my brain that catalogued and cross-referenced every slight hint at the truth flared into life again.

I felt the craving for an ARG. So I had a quick look around, and, what do you know? A new series called Alcatraz has put out a rabbit hole and a twitter account for the inquisitive. I won't link to the twitter account. You'll find it if you go looking.

Wheee! *clicks heels*

Forgotten photos

I took these in October and forgot all about them until yesterday. After some amateur post-processing, I'm pretty happy with a few of them! The whole set is here, but I've posted my favourites below. I'd love to know what you think!

Two-oh-one-two

There is a plastic cup in my room. It is on the windowsill, catching drips. What these drips are doing in my room is anybody's guess; although the letting agency, before pawning our house off on another agency, got as far as deciding that it might be the guttering.

Yes, well done. It might.

I suppose it's damp, then, that's turning my wallpaper a mottled pattern of bleached and black in that corner, despite the best efforts of a dehumidifier my housemate's relatives have kindly lent us.

It makes me feel a rush of hopelessness whenever I pull soomething from my wardrobe and smell, or see, that it is going moldy. I can't afford to replace anything. Or pay my rent, actually, let alone cover bills and food. It's a miracle that I'm limping along as I am, despite sort of having two jobs (I have had no shifts at the first job in two months, and the second is unpaid(ish) for now).

My new year's eve was uneventful. I've been nocturnal and listless for a couple of weeks, and that meant I had no resolve to fight my unfortunate tendency to hide from parties. If I'm invited to one, I'll generally go, but if I'm invited to five on the same night, you can bet good money I'll be at home, in my room, by myself.
As was in fact the case.
It got bad.
I went on omegle.

All of this, basically, is my attempt at complete and brutal honesty. Some of you seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that I'm interesting, or even "awesome." Well I'm not. But you know what? I have been. And I can be. And, goddamnit, I will be. One way or another, I'll shift gears and change from someone who is surviving into someone who is thriving. I don't know if that means I'll be getting more money in (though, Lord knows, I do hope so), but at the very least I'll be living the way I want to. Trying new things, working on my meagre skills, playing to my strengths and the like.

At least I've been writing a lot of poetry in the last month. I was looking for one I could share with you, but I seem to have started dozens and not finished any, so you might have to wait. Or check out my idlescribe tumblr, that's an option too...

I was looking for blogs to recommend to you, ones that count as an inspiration, but my google reader seems to have had a panic attack and dropped all its proverbial biscuits, so I'll get back to you on that one.

Much love, y'all.

Festivities

The buildup to Christmas is a long one. Even at the start of December, I was celebrating Not-Christmas at a friend's house. I got a full stomach and a stocking full of chocolate to remember it by, not to mention a pretty severe crush.

After that, I went home for a couple of weeks, which was as it usually is, i.e., lovely with regards to seeing my family, and fairly horrendous in terms of staying in that house. I live in hope that one day my parents will see sense and chuck out 90% of their stuff.

I've felt very guilty about presents this year. The sad fact is, this year I don't have enough money to cover rent and bills, or even food for myself, so I can't treat everyone to the nice things they deserve. But, for some reason, people care enough to give me things, because it isn't really about reciprocity, so I'm told. They love me and want me to know that, so they give me gifts.

Oh man, let me tell you, this year for the first time I got a gift from someone I've never met! Someone in America! Paul, a guy I've known for probably a couple of years now, sent me the most epic, tricked-out, bells-and-whistles sonic screwdriver set I've ever seen. It's got me thinking about designing my own Doctor look to cosplay! Most people seem to go for a female interpretation of an existing Doctor's costume, but I'd want to start from scratch. My first instinct was to see if anyone from the Doctor Who costume department is on twitter, but no such luck.

This is going to be my first Christmas with friends. I've spent one away from home before, with my ex's family, but I've never dealt with the full mixed bag of celebrating Christmas with vegans, pagans, and people who've lost loved ones / are missing their kids, etc. But we're doing it. I'm a little bit proud of us for that. If we can get through it without drama, I'll be even more so.

I'll also be spending the day with my aforementioned crush (a poor word choice, but anything more accurate would give too much away, and it's early days yet). I wouldn't mention it unless I thought it was going to be important. Unless I thought he was going to be important. We'll see, I guess.

Anyway! I've wittered on long enough. I'll let you get back to all that important hall-decking. If I don't post again beforehand, have a very merry one indeed! See you soon for the traditional New Year navel-gazing.