Silly girl

Shortly before my seventeenth birthday, I went on a week-long camping trip with YFC (the charity I ended up doing a gap year with). I met hundreds of new people; Christians, my age, and they were wonderful and exciting. A new chapter of my life started that week.

Part of that chapter (a not inconsequential part) was my discovery of hugs. On the last night, after a waterfight and a bedtime story (a Mister Men book, though I forget which one), I ended up in the arms of a young man called Matthew. I'd never met him before that week - odd, considering the vast crossover between any two lives on the Isle of Wight. We cuddled into the early hours, just stood up in the middle of the campsite enjoying holding each other. At an age when many of my peers had lost the big V, I was still astonished that anyone would willingly touch me. Yes, my self-esteem was that low. I found a spot on the back of his neck that made him shiver, and for me that was a breakthrough - the beginning of the realisation that I, too, could be desirable.

I remember him telling me then that this didn't mean anything special, and that some girls got the wrong idea.

"I think I can manage not to fall for you," I said, possibly raising one eyebrow sardonically in what turned out to be utterly misplaced confidence. It took me a good two years to get over him properly; two years wasted obsessing over a guy I could never really have been happy with. Eventually, I met Gavin and realised that stupid unrequited crushes are best left in high school.

All that was over six years ago now, and a lot can change in six years. I grew up. I  left high school, did my gap year, found myself, lost myself, moved away from home, started university, found love, had a three-year relationship, moved to Cardiff, made new friends... and yet...

"You know I'm no good, right?"

"Yeah. You can join the rest of the world on that one."

I have learned exactly nothing. History, it seems, is doomed to repeat itself. I am a moron.

Volunteers and things in ears

Ever been 'volunteered' for something? As in, told that you were going to do it and then left to deal with that fact? Of course you have. Well, last Thursday was the date of a church party that my sister had volunteered me, my brother, and my youngest sister for.

We were all up visiting her for the week, and had been shopping a few times and watched a lot of movies by this point. When I got to the church on Thursday, I started blowing up balloons for the games. I'd been told what game I was going to run, and secretly I was delighted to return to something I knew that I was good at. I did a year of youth work for a Christian charity on the Isle of Wight (something I've blogged about on many previous occasions), so I have a huge repertoire of games. We played quite a few classics that night; Mafia, this is a tick, Splat, and of course musical chairs. We were catering for people aged 15 to 90. My previous experience with youth work had been a lot more... youthy, but I distracted myself by taking photos of everything in sight.

These were the lights in the kitchen of that church - look how pretty! Oooooh! (Photographers are much like magpies. Anythign that looks even vageuly interesting, and we're as good as hypnotised!)

While we were staying with my sister, I absolutely fell in love with a cat that had adopted her. The cat's called Lilcat Freesian, or Lily Freesia for short, and is a one-eyed beauty with a heart on her back. Sadly her real owners showed up towards the end of the week, but I absolutely loved having some kitty time anyway! Honestly, those of you with full-time cats are very lucky indeed, I have to borrow cats from my friends.

I'm back with my parents on the Isle of Wight now, after a beast of a train journey that was meant to be direct (but ended up with two changes and huge delays). I've been meeting up with old friends and relaxing (as relaxing as anything can be when you're once again surrounded by siblings) and I'm very much looking forward to getting home to Cardiff!

I got a phone call from my boyfriend this morning. He's - how much of this have I told you? - He's on a stag do for his best friend, and they successfully survived the mountain-climbing part. He hasn't been so lucky with the pubs and clubs part, however, as apparently he had to be taken to a medical centre to remove something from his ear with pliers! Now, I love and respect my boyfriend tremendously, but if I can't mock him relentlessly for that then there's just no point us being together, is there.

What I love most about rivers

Last night was an interesting one. I'm home on the Isle of Wight with my family, and I finally managed to get a visit home to coincide with Catalyst.

Catalyst is a Christian worship event for young people, run by a charity I used to work for. It's always had such an incredible atmosphere, and it's run by wonderful people that I was lucky enough to work with in my gap year. The kids at the event are people I've grown up with, some of whom I'm related to (part of living on quite a small island - you're guaranteed to keep meeting the same people over and over again!), so it was amazing to see them all. I got plenty of hugs and photos!

It's crazy to think that I haven't been a part of Catalyst for two years. Everyone's growing up! The quiet, shy kids who'd just started high school are turning into confident young adults, and I'm kind of sorry I wasn't there to see it happen. There were a lot of new faces and a lot of friends missing... I guess it's true what they say, that you can never really go back.

But despite the hard times in my life lately, I wouldn't want to go back. I'm happy in Cardiff, and very much in love with my wonderful man (wish him luck, by the way, he's climbing mountains for a mate's stag party and I'm suitably worried). There have been a lot of teething troubles in the past few months, but I'm getting stronger and bolder by the day. So today, surrounded by the people and places of my past, I'm looking to the future more than ever.

I'm going to visit my sister, so I might not get online this week (whimper!) but you can always follow my Twitter if you want to check that I'm not dead.

Interesting thing of the day: My Name is Sylar! Quick and funny.

And oh I do love Sylar. Why is it always the psychos that have the most appeal?! Psychos and vampires.

The end of something...

So the gap year is over. To recap for anyone new, I've been doing a year of youth work for a Christian charity on the Isle of Wight... and that's over now.

Now technically it's not entirely the end, there's still Soul Survivor to go yet (and to be honest I'm pretty sure they'll rope me into stuff whenever I'm around!), but officially, this is it. So I'm moving out of my host family's home. I'm all packed and ready to go tomorrow... basically, this is me:


I know. Whimper.

Luckily though, my impeccable sense of timing has kicked in again. I remember when I left school, some people weren't ready to leave and some had reached their limit months ago... I was just getting fed up of school when it ended. And again, I'm just starting to feel that it's time to move on, and it is! How convenient.

So I'm sat on my bed listening to REM and trying not to be too emo about it all, because as much as I'm going to miss everyone and everything from this year (and I really, really am!), it is time to move on. I know. How wisdomous am I.

If anyone who's known me at all during the past year finds their way to this post, I want to thank you so much for making this experience so incredible. I honestly feel very blessed by the people I've been surrounded with and supported by. So thanks.

Three times is a charm

When God tells you something three times in one day, you should listen.

As some of you know, I've been working this weekend with a group of Christians from Maidstone. We wrapped things up tonight with a worship session, and (just like at Catalyst on Friday) I began to cry. I just felt crap about myself. I know God treasures me and everything, and I know some would tell me different, but somewhere inside me there's still a twelve-year-old girl who's convinced she's ugly and worthless.

One of the visiting girls came to pray for me. She pulled out her bible and read Romans 8:15, which says

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

After that, she began to tell me how important it was to know what it means to be a daughter of God. Just then, another girl came over and said God had just shown her a picture of a little girl looking up at her daddy with an expression of trust and love on her face. She said how important it is that I trust God as my father, and that all I have to do is take His hand.

I've just got home, tired from a long couple of days (and quite a lot and emotionally wearing week), and trawling through the humanbeatbox.com forum, I came across Romans 8:15 again.

Maybe I'm just hormonal. I fully accept that this may be the case. But I think God might be trying to tell me something as well.

And as for the Maidstone guys: they were the kindest people you could imagine, truly warm and friendly, and we've all been very blessed to have them with us.

Unreasonably early

Well, it's yet another Monday morning and I'm up at the crack of dawn (by which I mean before 10. Be reasonable.) As some of you might know, I spend Mondays on the mainland doing a theology course called Deeper, in which I invariably lose concentration multiple times a minute and in which Matt falls asleep. We're going to resort to Red Bull today, which I've never tried before.

Seriously though, how am I supposed to stay focused?! 6 hours (including lunchbreak)of sitting behind a desk and listening to someone talk. Oh, and taking notes, just to keep it fun. The only upside is that it's all truly sound stuff that I love knowing, and the blame lies entirely with me that I don't make more of an effort. I should start going to bed earlier on Sundays.

Mondays are mad. I'm going to have to leave the house at half past 7 and I won't be back until about 11pm, because after travelling back from Southampton, I help at this thing called Soul Cafe. So it's all fun and games, everything winds to a close soon anyway, and then I'll realise how good I had it and how much I miss it. Such is life, eh ;)

Hope you're all ok, and I've got a favour to ask. Please tell me what sort of thing you'd like to read about here. I'd really love some feedback.

Innocent whistling

As I saunter embarrassedly back on to my blog, hoping nobody minds my two-week absence terribly (c'mon, forgive me, you know you want to!), I can't help but marvel at how much has happened.

If only I could remember some of it.

Ah! Dave has given birth, or his wife has if you want to be picky about it. Welcome to the world, Seth!

Jamez is pregnant - his girlfriend, must I spell it out every time? - but the baby was moving too much for the scan to show the gender, so that'll be a lovely surprise for them. Well, not too much of a surprise probably. It's not as if they'll be saying "A what?! A boy?! What the heck... sorry, I think I need to sit down." No. There are only two main options, neither terribly surprising.

Things are going rather splendidly on the old religion front, woo for that. I've spent most of the evening with my good buddy Dominique praying and talking and reading the Bible and whatnot, and we're both feeling rather positive about everything. We're both very much looking forward to Lucy coming back from Africa, but I'm terrified what she'll think of what's happened in her absence...

We have a team from India working with us at YFC this week. Despite my self-esteem crash when they turned up on Monday, they actually turned out to be very lovely girls indeed. Girls and boy.

One of my readers is sad. This is very unfortunate. I'm praying for you, sweetie, and I hope you and him sort things out as quickly as is divinely possible.

You know, I ordered some CDs from Jay Foreman two months ago and they still haven't turned up? Slacker. Granted, he's not in the country, but really. It's just not good customer service.

I'm reading a book called Slick by Daniel Price, about the people who manipulate the media (not just adverts - all the media, news included). Very enlightening stuff, although my already-low BS limit has been strengthened once again - I can't stand to watch adverts at the moment, they're all so utterly transparent. Yes, this product will get me sex, I believe you.

I should be asleep, we're setting up for Catalyst Vibe in the morning (which I had forgotten). Should be a good one.

The Clusters Weekend Away-Day, and My Day Off

I am a very lucky person.

Over the past couple of weeks, it's just felt like I've had no spare time. No chance to just sit back and relax. The thing about youth work is that not only does the level of work fluctuate, it also expands to fit every available moment. So while there are some weeks (school holidays in particular) when there's nothing much to do, there are also weeks where I'll be out from early morning to late night with no real break in between. Mondays are the worst for me. I have to get up at 6 to go to a theology course on the mainland, and I don't stop going until 11.30pm when I get back from Soul Café.

But like I said, I'm a very lucky person. Dave (I've mentioned him before - he may even be reading this, so I'll try not to be too unstinting in my praise) is a very perceptive man, and he could see that things have been getting to me a bit lately. Possibly because I answered every sentence with "ARGH I WOULD but I DON'T have TIME!!!!!!"

That may or may not be exaggeration, I don't really remember to be honest.

So anyway, he made me take today off. So I said "Brilliant! Oh, except I should probably probably go to Soul Café."
And he said "No, take Monday off."
And I said "Actually, that's a good idea, it'll give me time to catch up on the essays."
And he said "No, forget the essays, take Monday off."

So today, I went to the cinema with my brother and sister. She's down from university for the weekend, and I wouldn't have got to see her otherwise, due to having been at the weekend away.

Oh yeah! The weekend away! It was brilliant, everyone had so much fun and they are the COOLEST people in the world ever. Really up for God. They didn't even have Issues, which was very nice of them indeed.

At the start of the weekend, Dave saw me wandering around with a camera and said "Oooh, are you going to take a picture of me for your blog then?" I think he was kidding.


If you want to see more photos I've taken lately, keep reading. If not, thanks for stopping by! x x
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Cushions and slipper


A crucifix that looks eerily like there's someone still in there


The girl's toilet had the most awesome paint job ever!


Oh yeah, this one's cool - a hailstorm hit out of nowhere! Well, I say out of nowhere, it may have been the giant freaky brown cloud that did it.


If you want to see more, there's a link to my Flickr page to the left.

Oh Em Gee, WALES!

So, I'm back from Wales. Please excuse the net-kid excitement in the title, I just felt it was necessary for some reason.

At this point I realise that "I'm back from Wales!" has no impact since you probably didn't know I'd gone. So here follows my reason for going in the first place.

It was the annual YFC staff conference! I was staying in a hotel in a Welsh castle! And again with the exclamation marks! Anyway, basically I've spent five days with the coolest people known to man. So many people don't realise this, but honestly, your average Christian is pretty darn cool. On the last night, a worship session sort of morphed into a disco - not entirely sure how - and I was truly struck with the awesomeness of the other young Christians there. Seriously, they could sing, play a million instruments each, and dance like you wouldn't believe! A couple of the guys and gals there were legendary breakdancers, and of course there were the ones who were just willing to go do it, however stupid it might have looked. Which it didn't.

So, today I had to come home. I mean, I wanted to, of course, but there's something so special about getting away from it all to focus on God that I really didn't want to let go of. And on the way home, riding in the front seat of my boss / co-worker / friend's car, I had a sudden freak-out moment. I was shouting

"ABINGDON!!! Dave, look, ABINGDON!! Can we go? Can we? Please!! Oh please, look we're ahead of time..."

Dave understood, of course, because I'd already told him about my Dave from Abingdon, but he still said no... smelly Dave. (I know. How inconvenient that they have the same name. Well you're just gonna have to put up with it, sorry.) Anyway, basically, he's cool with my 'internet friend' - I could tell because he was mocking me for it, which he wouldn't have done if he was worried. And boy did he mock me for it. Because, of course, however sensible you are and however real a relationship is, when a normal (non-internet-obsessed) person says "Anna met some guy on the internet", it sounds bad. C'est la vie.

Back to the subject! How was Wales? Windy and grey. Windy I was fine with, I find it invigorating (even though it dries out my skin like nobody's business, as if you care), but grey I wasn't. I'd started to get a tad SAD-ish by the end of the week.

Fascinating factoid (the "oid" indicating that it's something like a fact, but not): Stilton was created by Stan himself.

STAN ->

WHY oh WHY is the internet being so SLOW? It makes me want to cry, it really does. Well no it doesn't, but you see what I mean. WORK, DARN YOU.

Babies, babies everywhere.

So those of you who know me, will be aware that all the guys I work with are pregnant. Were pregnant. Their wives, I mean. ANYWAY. The current state of affairs is that Ian's (Joel Enoch) came on Christmas day, and baby 2 (Chris', Amelie Grace) was born this evening. Well, yesterday. Well anyway.

So now we're just waiting for baby 3.

The funny thing is, despite my aversion to babies, I am simply overjoyed at the growth of the Catalyst family. I've said many times that there's nothing more beautiful than newborn parents, and the smiles on the faces of Ian and family tonight completely reaffirmed that. "We're a proper family... We've got children!" Bless him!

So, congratulations all round!

Stress, fog, G4 politics and the like.

So, work has been getting steadily more... work-like. I still really enjoy my job, don't get me wrong, but after three stress-free months, it's returned with a thud for Christmas. I mean Christmas was always bound to be mad, it is in any job. It's just that there's staff conference in january. And Andy's leaving for pastures new. And everyone's out of action having babies all over the place (a minor exaggeration, but seriously, ALL OVER THE PLACE). It's just all that, combined with the fact that they're going to expect more from me now that I'm a term in. That's all.

Today has been so foggy! All day. The streetlights made everything outside the visibility zone look like a giant orange blur, all very strange and surreal.

It was the G4 Christmas meal today. It was great seeing everyone again! I spent a fair while talking to Kerry's fiancé, Tom, about Mormonism. If my friend's going to be baptised into it, I should know what it's all about. I've done a fair bit of research, but the concepts still feel a bit alien... I've got a lot to think about... but I've decided that I'm going to her baptism.

I don't know if I ever mentioned Bruce. Our spider plant. My beloved. Tonight, the mystery of his disappearance was solved. Dan did it. He cut off Bruce's leaves and threw him in the bin, hahah what a practical joker that Dan is... turns out the "F4" thought it would be funny. The self-titled fantastic 4.

The F'ing 4 weren't the only example of G4 politics, of course, as tonight reminded me... honestly, I love them all individually, but I'm well shot of that environment. Jenny and Becky (supervised by Mike, of course) made a professionally printed G4 calender, and it's fantastic, but as Jenny pointed out, it's nice that everybody looks so happy in the photos because "you can't tell who hates who".

And that about sums it up, really.

My plans for the future (Yes! I have some!)

I am such a lucky, lucky girl.

At the last Catalyst I went to, Ian hunted me down and said we needed to talk. After going through the customary mental routine ("Help. Help. What have I done? Am I being kicked out? WHAT DID I DO?!") it turned out that he wanted to talk to me about a gap year thing the YFC guys have been thinking about. [1] And they wanted ME!!! Excitement!!! SO things that will be happening next year: (probably)

Moving to Newport (thus leaving home for the first time)
Learning to drive (the use of a company car included! lol)
Living with a Christian family (no idea who yet, scary...)
Assemblies with middle school kids (who are all evil, I swear)
Catalyst / clusters related stuff (so possibly public speaking!)

The thing is, I am immediately panicking about so many things... for example: what if the other kids don't like me? [2]

That said, I'm dead excited and very proud. Wish me luck / pray for me!

[1] YFC = Youth For Christ. They're the main Christian organisation for teenagers on the Isle of Wight. They organise events like Catalyst, Bible study groups, trips to Soul Survivor... and other regular doses of Godly goodness.

[2] And by 'other kids', I mean the YFC guys, the girl(s) I would be working with, and the actual kids I'll be actually leading. Terrifying beyond all reason.